The guilty undertaker sighs, the lonesome organ grinder cries, the silver saxophones say I should refuse you

So Young Ben and I were listening to Smooth radio last week, as we do, and John McCauley was asking listeners to call in with their favourite ever albums. Ben couldn't decide between Adele and The Wiggles. My choice was somewhat more difficult, so I decided to make a list.

There were so many that I divided them by decade and put in the proviso that I was only allowed one album per artist and no Greatest Hits albums. With this restriction Mr Springsteen has been omitted entirely from my list as between the 70s and the 00s I would have at least two of his albums in every decade. I have limited my list to 5 albums per decade apart from the 70s as that was when I bought most of my albums. I have struggled to curtail that decade to 20

60s

1. Blonde on Blonde...Bob Dylan I used to listen to Mr Dylan through the wall in Ayr as my eldest brother played his albums. When he left home he took his albums with him, so I had to start buying them for myself and I have 19 Dylan albums right up to Slow Train Coming in 1979 when Bobby found God and lost me. Springsteen apart this is probably my favourite ever album
2. Songs of Leonard Cohen I owe this choice to my other brother. Whenever you feel down just listen to Lenny, that will cheer you up
3. A Hard Day's Night..The Beatles...not Revolver, not Rubber Soul, not Sgt Pepper but I just love this album
4. Bookends...Simon and Garfunkel...in my opinion a far superior album to the vastly over-rated Bridge Over Troubled Water
5. Tommy...The Who..in its day this was epic

No room for The Beach Boys or The Moody Blues

70s

1. Innervisions...Stevie Wonder...just brilliant
2. What's Going On..Marvin Gaye..the move from Motown pop to global commentary
3. Hunky Dory..David Bowie...just edges Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane as it contains Life On Mars
4. Transformer...Lou Reed...Walk On The Wild Side, Perfect Day, Satellite Of Love..enough said
5. Blue...Joni Mitchell ....teenage angst and Joni..the perfect combination
6. Tea For The Tillerman..Cat Stevens..I have every Cat Stevens album but this one has Father and Son
7. Off The Wall....Michael Jackson...not the biggest Jacko fan but this album was sheer class
8. A Trick Of The Tail...Genesis....always liked their albums and this one has Ripples
9. Parallel Lines..Blondie....Debbie Harry...just Wow!..and their music was good
10. Can't Buy A Thrill...Steely Dan..could just as easy have been Countdown To Ecstasy, Pretzel Logic or Katy Lied but this one has Reelin' In The Years and Do It Again
11. After The Goldrush...Neil Young...see comments for Blue
12. Sweet Baby James..James Taylor...see comments for After The Goldrush
13. The Kick Inside..Kate Bush...she was crazy but she sure could sing
14. Exodus...Bob Marley..not a big Reggae fan but this is a great album and has the wonderful Waiting In Vain
15. Tapestry..Carole King..the master songwriter showed that she could also sing
16. For Your Pleasure...Roxy Music...Roxy albums were worth buying for their covers alone but the music did not disappoint
17. Out Of The Blue...ELO...sorry Kev but I had to find room for one of my ELO albums (Mr Blue Sky et al).
18. Tubular Bells..Mike Oldfield...this is why they made stereo headphones
19. Rumours..Fleetwood Mac...everyone of a certain age who likes music will have this in their collection
20. Dark Side Of The Moon...Pink Floyd..see comments for Rumours

So 20 albums and still no place for Squeeze, 10CC, The Clash, The Jam, The Eagles or Led Zep. I could have done with 30 for the 70s

80s

1. A Walk Across The Rooftops...The Blue Nile...The 80s were not a great time for me music wise but this album was a standout
2. Purple Rain...Prince...One of the few notable talents of the 80s
3. Raintown...Deacon Blue...my town... and despite being played to death Dignity is still one of the great songs
4. Tracy Chapman.....Fast Car is depressingly wonderful and Ronan should listen to Baby Can I Hold You to hear how it should be sung
5. Brothers In Arms..Dire Straits..despite their fall from grace I thought Dire Straits were excellent and this album produced 5 hit singles

Yeah that's about it for the 80s

90s

1. Jagged Little Pill..Alanis Morissette...just an album of great songs including the brilliant Ironic
2. Different Class..Pulp...I always preferred Pulp to Oasis or Blur and I have danced embarrassingly many a time to Disco 2000
3. Automatic For The People...REM...this was REM at their peak
4. Twisted...Del Amitri..only gets the nod over Change Everything and Waking Hours because it contains Driving With The Brakes On..my favourite Del Amitri song
5. The Man Who...Travis....remember when Travis were good?

Not much fighting for places here although Texas, Oasis and Blur deserve a mention

00s

1. O...Damien Rice..one of the few current artists that I would make the effort to go and see live(and have done twice). This album is just brilliant
2. Hot Fuss...The Killers...When I went to see them I think I was the oldest person there but I still gave it laldy to Mr Brightside
3. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not...Arctic Monkeys...my youngest son told me to listen to this and I was pleasantly surprised
4. A Grand Don't Come For Free...The Streets..the talented Mr Skinner knows how to write a good song...Dry Your Eyes and Could Well Be In are better than good
5. Glasvegas...a powerful collection of songs including Geraldine, Daddy's Gone and It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry..and they are Weegies

Only Keane with Hopes And Fears came close to making it into 00s list

My family bought me a record player for Christmas so my vinyl collection has been dusted down and a lot of the above list are being played once again in their original format. What's with this having to turn the album over half way through though? That will never catch on and I need to convince Ben that they are not Frisbees. After all this is his inheritance, whether he likes it or not

"Good morning miss" "Can I help you son?"

This Wednesday June 8th is Ben's Dad's Birthday and also my brother's grandson Jack's Birthday. Others celebrating birthdays on that day include Kanye West, Mick Hucknall and Kim Clijsters. They must feel honoured to be sharing their big day with such illustrious company as Sean and Jack.

My son Sean was born in 1982, five days before the start of the World Cup. When he was only 10 days old Scotland played Brazil. All was going well and he was resting peacefully in his cot until 18 minutes in David Narey scored one of the most famous goals in Scottish Football history. My dad and I leaped from our seats screaming like Banshees. This upset young Sean (and his mum) almost as much as the goal did Brazil. It was downhill all the way for the rest of the game for all concerned.

It seemed fitting then that 16 years later Sean and his brother Den travelled to Paris to see Scotland take on Brazil once again this time in the opening game of The 1998 World Cup. This one didn't go much better for Scotland, but at least he will still be able to tell Ben in years to come that he was there.

Since that time his brothers and I have been to the likes of Barcelona, Madrid, Amsterdam, Portugal and Sunderland to watch football and hold deep meaningful discussions over a beer or two

So, Sean was introduced to football at an early age. I also taught him how to play tennis, table tennis, badminton, pool and various other sports and by the time he was about 10 he could beat me at all of them. I think the only game I can still beat him at is 'Rock/Paper/Scissors' but even Ben beats him at that and he only knows how to do 'Rock'.

I have many happy memories of Sean from years gone by. I remember catching crabs in Rothesay and fish in Australia, playing shuffleboard in Tenerife and pool in Cyprus, sightseeing on barges in Amsterdam and enjoying 'Jaws', 'Back To The Future' and roller coasters in Florida.

I remember coming home from work on a summer evenings to find him playing 'kerby' in the street with his brother

I was there when we came back from 2-0 down at half-time to beat the 118th 3-2 and when he started playing for Newtown Boys Club, I saw parts of East Kilbride I never knew existed

I was there when he had to have stitches in his head after an altercation with a pavement and wished it was my head they were stitching and not his

I think it is fairly common for parents, as they get older, to live their lives vicariously through their children especially when they see their talent and potential is far greater than their own ever was

I remember some years ago talking about Sean to my mate from Dundee and saying that when I was at school I was just like Sean. I thought for a moment and then corrected myself. "That's a lie" I said "Sean is how I wish I had been like at school". My friend does remind me of this most times we meet. That's what friends are for.

Sean has an enviable talent,in that when you are with him he makes you feel that you are the most important person in the world, and all his attention is focused solely on you. He has always brought joy into my life and he has always been there for me,even when times were bad, when really it was my job to be there for him

But before his head swells too much, I must declare that his position has been usurped by the new kid on the block and if Young Ben turns out to be half the man his dad is he will be a world beater and hopefully I get to see him score the winning goal for Scotland against Brazil at the World Cup

So Happy Birthday Sean and Happy Birthday Jack.
I hope you both have a great day

Can't you see, it's the chemistry, you really must agree....

Last night I had the pleasure to watch what is being described as the finest club football team ever completely destroy the best of the rest. If it had been a boxing match it would have been stopped long before the end. Manchester United just could not live with the passing of Xavi and Iniesta and the front line of Villa, Pedro and the incomparable Messi

But the class displayed by Barcelona in their play does not stop there. With two minutes left to play Guardiola sent on his club captain Carles Puyol, who was not deemed fit enough to start the game, so that he could lift the trophy. In turn Puyol then selflessly gave the captain's armband to Eric Abidal, who had missed part of the season to receive surgery to remove a liver tumour, so that he could be the one to lift the trophy. Gestures like this sum up the ethos and spirit of the team.

Mes que un club indeed.

I hope Mr Mourinho was watching last night so he could view how a club can play attractive football and still be the best and how managers should conduct themselves. Alex Ferguson was gracious in defeat and admitted that Barcelona had given his team 'a hiding'

But what about Gerard Pique? Here is a player that Manchester United allowed to leave. He has since won The World Cup with Spain and now two Champions League medals with Barcelona ....and his girlfriend is Shakira. To my mind that is just being plain greedy

Even more importantly last weekend my team Ayr United won the play-offs and were promoted to the Scottish First Division when our own version of Lionel Messi, Michael Moffat scored the winning goal at Brechin with two minutes left to play. This means that next season instead of visiting places like Cowdenbeath, Coatbridge and Dumbarton we will travel to the glamour spots of Dundee, Falkirk, Dingwall and Greenock

It is two months before the new season kicks off. In the meantime I will have to feign interest in tennis, golf and even cricket. Hopefully we experience some good weather so Young Ben and I can get the jumpers down for goalposts and have some serious games of three-and-in. He can be Lionel Messi and I will be Michael Moffat (not at the same time obviously, one of us will have to go in goal, and when I say one of us, I mean me)

Roll on the 23rd July and the first round of the Numpty Cup

I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly

What noise does a giraffe make?


Young Ben and I were playing with all his animal friends last week and I was doing my best to impersonate the relevant noises they make.


Pooh and Tigger and Eeyore were easy as they even have their own songs. Oh how we love that crazy jovial Eeyore and clap our ears along with him to show we are happy


The Gruffalo book even allows for dozy old codgers like me and makes the noises for you as you read the story


I can quack and make the silly Donald Duck voice as good as the next man and normal animal noises like elephants, bears, dogs and cats are like water off Donald's back. Ben's personal favourite is my 'eeh eeh eeh' noise for the little monkey he has. The ensuing sore throat is well worth it for the chuckles from Ben

But a giraffe? They are certainly not the most loquacious of animals and there seems to be some debate about whether they make any noise at all

It seems to me that over the years giraffes have had somewhat of a raw deal. How many famous giraffes do you know? Perhaps Geoffrey the Giraffe who found fame as the mascot for Toys 'R' Us but he worked long hours and never got a day off.

Then there was the giraffe from the wonderful Roald Dahl story 'The Giraffe and The Pelly and Me' who was part of The Ladderless Window Cleaning Company but to the best of my recollection he did not have a name. Even the pelican was referred to as 'Pelly'

I have mentioned before that when I was young my dad used to take me to see Tarzan movies. I recall seeing Tarzan fight lions, crocodiles, snakes and even tigers on his visit to India but I don't remember him in a life or death tussle with a giraffe.

Tarzan had allies in the elephants and monkeys, particularly his sidekick Cheeta, but why was he never rescued from deadly quicksand or a deep pit by the long helpful neck of a heroic giraffe. No, I am afraid giraffes were the Switzerland of Tarzan movies only seen in bad cutaway moments masticating on leaves other beers could not reach and sharing the screen with those black and white horsey looking things

But wait, along comes Sophie the Giraffe, one of the best selling children's toys ever (Ben has two, as the first one lost her squeak in the wash). Sophie was born in Paris on May 25th 1961 which apparently is St Sophie's Day. Since then over 30 million Sophies have been sold. She is everything you would expect of a French mademoiselle. She is cute,has long legs, oozes style, is slightly aloof and all the boys love her. According to her agent she is soft, light and easy to grasp and is perfect for little hands, making a happy sound when squeezed.Strangely though she does not smoke.

Apparently Sophie aids in the Sensory Development of your child stimulating each of his senses from the age of 3 months.These include...
TOUCH : Touch is the first means baby has of communicating with the outside world. Sophie the Giraffe's soft feel is just like mummy's skin, stimulating soothing physiological and emotional responses that soothe baby. (I am not sure Claire would appreciate her skin being compared to that of a giraffe)

SMELL : The singular scent of natural rubber (from the Hevea tree) makes Sophie the Giraffe very special and easy for your child to identify amid all his other toys. (who doesn't like the smell of natural rubber)

It will be her 50th birthday on Wednesday and Young Ben and I will be celebrating with a cake and a lot of candle blowing. I think we bought her a scarf as a present.

Bon Anniversaire Sophie! I hope I look as good as you when I reach 50.

ps Apologies to any of my readers who woke up this morning to discover that Harold Camping was incorrect and the only Rapture going was being sung by Blondie on the radio and have therefore been subjected to yet another Blog

Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest from all the unborn chicken noises in my head

'Unexpected item in bagging area'...yes, I suppose you could call a seven month old baby an unexpected item but it did seem a tad presumptuous to me. Young Ben and I were in Sainsburys last week picking up a few essential items and decided to use the self-checkout system. The nice lady inside the machine was keeping us right as we scanned our items
...Beep...'Organic carrots, Really? Remember to put them in the brown bin when you find them in your fridge unopened next week'
...Beep....' Sainsburys Wine Gums 500g. Another Saturday night in watching Match of the Day, is it?'
...Beep...'The Guardian. Oh get you! You do know there are no Page Three Girls in The Guardian I assume?'
...Beep...'Flora Light. Don't you think it's a bit late for that?'
...Beep...'Sainsburys Leaf Salad. No, please, stop! You are going to blow my circuits'

I didn't realise machines could laugh but apparently so. I decided this was enough and just wanted to pay and go

'Have you swiped your Nectar Card?'
'Did you remember to take your pills this morning?'
' Select payment type'
' Sorry we do not accept Monopoly money'
' What a cute baby. He must take his looks from his mother's side'

....and then when I tried to put my free Glaswegian newspaper in one of my carrier bags, all hell broke loose. Sirens sounded, Shutters came crashing down, SWAT teams appeared from nowhere....'Customer assistance required. Check under his jumper as well. It looks a bit bulky'...no sorry that's just me, maybe I should put the Wine Gums back.

All in all a fairly traumatic episode although Ben loved all the excitement. It did strike me though that in our daily life we are experiencing less and less social interaction (if you don't count the SWAT team).

You can now do your shopping without talking to anyone, you can order anything you need on-line and even on the telephone it is often a machine at the other end of the line, even when they call you.

Even when travelling in your car, you no longer have to stop and ask directions or take the trouble to look at a map, you have good old Sat Nav.

I used to have a Sat Nav in my car but she left me for Cain. Good luck telling him he has reached his destination.

The other day whilst driving Talking Heads were on the radio singing 'We're on the road to nowhere' when my new Sat Nav with celebrity voice overs cut in and the wonderful Doc Brown told me ' Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads' . Yes, you guessed it, I was heading for Cowdenbeath

Slightly more worrying was when Dennis Hopper came on and stated ' Pop Quiz hotshot. There's a bomb in your car. Once your car goes 50mph the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?' Fortunately I was on the M8 heading for Kingston Bridge so there was no danger of me ever reaching 50mph. I had to ignore Mr Cruise when he cut in to advise 'I feel the need. The need for speed'...not today Tom, not today.

But when you hear Maggie Thatcher telling you 'At the next opportunity make a U-turn' you know it's time to switch off your Sat Nav and go back to trying to keep cartographers in a job.

Anyway, I need to let Ben on the computer now so he can order us tickets for the movie Rio. He knows if I do it we could end up spending an evening with the Manchester United centre half.

Ah, the joys of technology

please, please don't cry, this is just adios and not goodbye

Legend is a word far to freely used in the sporting world these days but I do not think many people would argue against using it to describe the genius that was Seve Ballesteros

Playing a sport that over the years has not been averse to elitism, sexism and indeed racism Seve showed us a different kind of game and moved from being a European star to a Global superstar mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Palmer, Nicklaus and Player

But it was about far more than his talent as a golfer. It was about the way he played the game, with a style and flair unlike any other and this endeared him to sports followers worldwide

His smile was infectious and his film star good looks made him the pin-up boy of golf but to me the lasting memory of Seve will be his celebrations at St Andrews in 1984 after his superb putt on the 18th. This has to be one of the most iconic moments in sport and still gives me tingles when I watch it today. This was a man at the top of his game doing what he loved although it always seemed to me that whatever Seve had decided to do in life he would have been a success at it and would be doing it with a smile on his face

He won 3 Opens and 2 Masters and was inspirational in the Ryder Cup as player and captain alike. The tributes paid to him by his fellow professional golfers show just how highly he was respected and revered. It is said that his great friend Jose Maria Olazabal was in tears most of the day playing his round at the Spanish Open at the weekend.

I am not a golfer myself but can still appreciate the talent and charisma that was Severiano Ballesteros. Via Con Dios Seve!

In a week that also saw us lose Henry Cooper and the great snooker commentator "Whispering" Ted Lowe I heard with sadness today that John Walker of the pop group The Walker Brothers had died in California at the age of 67 so as a mark of respect this week's blog is missing the usual flippant asides and I leave you with the words from one of hits of The Walker Brothers

The sun ain't gonna shine anymore
The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes

I'm only a common old working chap as anyone here can see, but when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

So on a beautiful sunny day last week Young Ben and I sat on a hill in Queen's Park looking out across our great city of Glasgow and I said to him "Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?"

Glasgow is no longer the No Mean City portrayed in the famous novel. In recent years we have hosted The Garden Festival and been City of Culture and in 2014 we will host The Commonwealth Games

This was the birth place of Charles Rennie Mackintosh who left us the legacy of buildings such as The Willow Tearooms, The Glasgow School of Art and The Scotland Street School. We also have other famous landmarks such as Glasgow University, The People's Palace, Kelvingrove Art Gallery and The Finnieston Crane

This Dear Green Place has no shortage of parks either with the wonderful Botanic Gardens, Queen's Park, Kelvingrove Park, Pollok Country Park and Rouken Glen to name but a few. My own favourite park however is Hampden Park, scene of many a Scottish triumph over The Auld Enemy.

Let us not forget either that Glasgow Celtic were the first British team to win The European Cup in 1967 and did so with a team of home-grown local players all born within a 30 mile radius of Celtic Park. The current Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson was also born in Glasgow

Famous musicians born in Glasgow include Mark Knopfler, Jack Bruce, Alex Harvey, Donovan and Jim Kerr not to mention Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie, better known as Lulu (actually I am not sure I want Lulu on that list). It is also the birthplace of one of the most famous living Scotsmen of our time, the one and only Billy Connolly. He once said "The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards" It is ok for Glaswegians to make fun of Glasgow, we just don't like outsiders doing it

Notable films set in Glasgow include Small Faces, Ae Fond Kiss, Ratcatcher and the excellent Comfort and Joy starring Bill Patterson. It is also the home of Taggart ("There's been a murder"). Mark McManus who played Taggart died in 1994 so they killed off his character, but 17 years later it is still called Taggart even though there no longer is a Taggart...only in Glasgow

Glasgow has excellent shopping streets such as Argyle Street, Buchanan Street and Sauchiehall Street and we even have shops on both sides of our streets unlike our more famous neighbour Princes Street

If you have never been to Glasgow, you really should make the effort. You will not be disappointed

I leave you this week with my top 5 visits to Hampden Park


1. Scotland 2 England 1 1976 (the day King Kenny put the ball through Clemence's legs)
2. Ayr United 1 Hibs 0 2002 (Eddie Annand's extra-time penalty takes Ayr through to their first ever cup final)
3. Bruce Springsteen Concert 2009 (The Boss in my own backyard)
4. Scotland 1 France 0 2006 (just...Wow!)
5. Rangers v Kilnockie 1999 (My mate and I and our kids were part of the crowd for the filming of this final which was the gripping climax to the movie A Shot At Glory starring Robert Duvall and Ally McCoist.....I have omitted the score in case you have not seen the film. I don't want to spoil the ending for you)