I met you in a cave, you were painting buffalo, I said I'd be your slave, follow wherever you go

The silhouettes of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Stegosaurus loom menacingly against a dark November morning sky.

Where else would you be but Glasgow? Last Saturday morning Young Ben and I dropped his dad off in Anniesland to play football and carried on out Great Western Road to Jurassic Parr in search of Golf and Dinosaurs

Armed only with an apple and a banana we entered the enclosure, protected on all sides by high fences and barbed wire.

We followed the dinosaur footprints and were soon in the company of giants from another age

A Triceratops mocked my feeble attempt at a four footer as we halved the first hole

Young Ben's concentration was broken by grunting noises from the bushes. He told me to stop trying to put him off

A helicopter in the middle of the 6th green made judging the line of your putt somewhat difficult

Despite having several T. Rex figures at home Ben was rather unsure of the main attraction at Jurassic Parr. He was OK when it was still and silent but as you pass it you set off a sensor and the T. Rex moves and roars. Ben was not altogether happy with this

Given that I was two holes down I had to resort to setting off the T. Rex sensor just as Ben was taking his shot. All is fair in love and mini-golf.

Not exactly Jack Nicklaus on the Swilcan Bridge at St Andrew's but Ben was in no mood to pose as he had fallen behind by this time

Ben informed me that if my ball was in the nice friendly Dragon Serpent's mouth I could get it back myself and that it would cost me a penalty shot

A passing Brachiosaurus proved an unnecessary distraction as I dropped yet another shot and Ben drew level once again

Ben strides down the 18th in victorious style as a collapse of Adam Scott proportions allows Grandpa to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory

Ben thoroughly enjoyed his time at Jurassic Parr and although I would have liked to have seen a life size model of Raquel Welch in her fur bikini amongst the prehistoric creatures I also thought it was excellent

By the time we left the sun was shining and in the afternoon I saw  my team Ayr United crush the mighty Inverness Clachnacuddin 2-1 in the Scottish Cup so all in all a more than satisfactory day all round.

This is the end, hold your breath and count to ten, feel the earth move and then hear my heart burst again

I went to see the new James Bond movie Skyfall at the cinema last Friday and was highly impressed.

This particular movie has been severely hyped up but did not disappoint. I will not give any details away, suffice to say it is up there with the best of the old-school Bond movies and Daniel Craig is excellent.

Given that I cannot go into the details of the movie, this week I present instead my Favourite Top 5s of all things James Bond

Top 5 Actors to Play James Bond

1. Sean Connery
2. Daniel Craig
3. Timothy Dalton
4. Pierce Brosnan
5. George Lazenby (makes Top 5 because he is not Roger Moore)

Top 5 Bond Movies

1. Goldfinger
2. Skyfall
3. From Russia With Love
4. Dr No
5. Casino Royale (2006)

Top 5 Songs from Bond Movies

1. We Have All the Time In the World by Louis Armstrong from 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'
2. You Only Live Twice, title song sung by Nancy Sinatra
3. Live and Let Die, title song sung by Wings
4. The Living Daylights, title song sung by A-Ha
5. A View To A Kill, title song sung by Duran Duran

Top 5 Bond Girls

1.

Ursula Andress in Dr No

2.

                                                 Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger
                                                                       
                                                                               3.

                                           Diana Rigg in On Her Majesty's Secret Service

                                                                              4.

                                                       Halle Berry in Die Another Day

                                                                               5.

                                                     Claudine Auger in Thunderball


Top 5 Villains

1. Oddjob in Goldfinger
2. Christopher Walken as Max Zorin from A View To A Kill
3. Robert Shaw as Grant in From Russia With Love
4. Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp in Golden Eye
5. Javier Bardem as Raoul Silva in Skyfall

Top 5 Bond Cars

1.

                                          Aston Martin DB5 from Goldfinger

2.

                                          Sunbeam Alpine from Dr No

3.

                                           Aston Martin Vanquish from Die Another Day

4.

                                           Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me

5.

                                         AMC Hornet from The Man With The Golden Gun
                                        (more for the corkscrew jump stunt rather than the actual car)

Now, if only I had kept my Dinky model of the Aston Martin DB5 from all those years ago it would probably now be worth more than my real car

OK. Stop reading this and go and see Skyfall. You will love it!

I've built walls, a fortess deep and mighty, that none may penetrate

Young Ben and I had another excellent day in Rouken Glen Park last week.

We went prepared this time and had bread with us to feed the ducks. That being said, feeding the ducks proved more difficult than we would have imagined as other birds of various varieties (apart from seagulls my bird identifying game is extremely weak) swooped in and stole the bread from under the ducks' beaks.

We managed to entice some ducks closer to the side of the pond but still had to virtually land the bread in their mouths to stop the aeriel acrobatics of the flying thieves from being successful.

I mentioned earlier that we were prepared for our park visit. This was not true in all departments. Ben was wearing his Converse Trainers rather than his trusty Wellies but still managed to splash through every puddle there was round the perimeter of the pond. I blame his mum for this, though obviously not out loud.

After our bread was finished we made our way round the pond to the bridge over the waterfall. Being careful not to waken any of the trolls snoozing beneath the bridge we launched some sizable sticks into the water above the falls and then rushed to the other side of the bridge to watch them cascading downstream.

Just further on from the waterfall we came across the Rouken Glen Himalayas. A daunting prospect for most park visitors but not for intrepid mountaineers such as Ben and myself.

Leaving the buggy at base camp and establishing that Ben would not require any pit stops as there is no 'p' in ascent we set off upwards

There were a couple of tricky moments on the way and at one point I thought I may have had to cut my own arm off but Ben managed to rescue me from that particular cliffhanger in under 127 hours. On reaching the summit Ben had a brief rest to survey the world around him from his lofty spot but then we had to move for a young lad on his bike so off he went down the other side in search of new adventures

It is rewarding to realise that in this modern age where children have constant access to TV and Computers that a few rocks in the open air can still inspire a two year old for hours. By the time we headed back to the car, I am not sure which of the two of us was more tuckered out

In recognition of our momentous climb I leave you this week with my Top 10 Mountain Related Pop Songs

1. Ain't No Mountain High Enough............Dianna Ross
2. Sugar Mountain.....................................Neil Young
3. Rocky Mountain Way............................Joe Walsh
4. Love On A Mountain Top.....................Robert Knight
5. Misty Mountain Hop.............................Led Zeppelin
6. I Never Asked To Be Your Mountain...Tim Buckley
7. Big Rock Candy Mountain....................Burl Ives
8. River Deep, Mountain High..................Ike and Tina Turner
9. Rocky Mountain High..........................John Denver
10. Mountains.........................................Biffy Clyro

I hope you appreciate that I did not include Everesting Love by The Love Affair or anything by K2 Melua or The Fujis.........and definitely no Cliff!

Right, I am off to watch The Eiger Sanction now so that Clint can show me how it should be done. See you next week!

People around every corner they seem to smile and say we don't care what your name is boy, we'll never turn you away

I was down in Liverpool last week with my mate Kevin. While he was at his meeting I had the chance to do a bit of sightseeing

I have visited Liverpool many times over the years, both for business and pleasure and I have to confess it is not one of my favourite cities. This has always come as a surprise to me given that it is a city with a history steeped in music and football which are the two main vices in my own life

On this occasion I took a drive down into the Albert Dock area and along the side of the Mersey. This area has been majorly redeveloped in recent years and is now an important tourist destination for the city. There is the obligatory Yellow Submarine in the Dock and a Water Bus which I believe is called the Yellow Duckmarine. This appeared to be riding fairly low in the water and I was pleased that a man of my size was not adding to it's already sizable load.

The Mersey looking east...not a ferry in sight

The Mersey looking west and still not a ferry to be seen

The Liverpool Big Wheel and the Echo Arena

I have to say I was impressed by what has been done to this area so I thought I should weigh up my Liverpool influences in life to see if I have misjudged it in the past

MUSIC

You would expect this to be a large tick in the Plus Column with greats from the 60s such as The Beatles, Billy Fury, Gerry and the Pacemakers, The Searchers and Billy J Kramer and more recent acts like Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Teardrop Explodes and Echo and the Bunnymen.

But then I give you Frankie Vaughan, Ken Dodd, Cilla Black, The Scaffold, Sonia, Atomic Kitten and Rebecca Ferguson so already that category is tarnished

FOOTBALL

I have seen many football matches on Merseyside but three in particular had a major emotional impact on me.
In 1977 I was at Anfield with my two brothers to see Scotland beat Wales (yes, we used to actually beat Wales) and qualify for the 1978 World Cup. This was one of the best football occasions I have ever experienced and one of the finest goals I have ever seen from Mr Dalglish

A year earlier in 1976 I saw Sunderland lose 2-0 to Everton and suffer relegation on the same night that Coventry and Bristol City contrived to play out a 2-2 draw which saved them both. Not that I am bitter but I shed no tears for the current plight of those two particular teams

A few years ago my three sons and I drove down to Goodison for a game just after Christmas which Sunderland lost 5-0. My friend Dave from Liverpool, who we visited this week, got us tickets for this game. Unfortunately they were in an Everton fans section of the ground. It's not easy looking cheerful when your team is losing 5-0 and you are about to drive back up the road to Glasgow

So even allowing for the genius of King Kenny I would still say that is a tick in the Minus Column

TV

Apart from Z-Cars in the 60s and the wonderful Boys From The Blackstuff in the 80s I cannot think of any TV shows set in Liverpool which I have liked. Conversely we have the truly awful Bread, The Liver Birds, Brookside, Liverpool 1 and Watching (which along with the others mentioned certainly wasn't worth)

The Royal Liver Building with Polly James and Nerys Hughes visible on top of the towers


FILMS

In this category I can only bring myself to mention '51st State' which is undoubtedly one of the worst films I have ever seen and I have no idea what convinced Samuel L Jackson to participate in this movie and to wear a kilt whilst doing so. Unbelievably bad!

COMEDIANS

I can watch John Bishop but the appeal of Jimmy Tarbuck, Tom O'Connor, Paul O'Grady, Ken Dodd, Stan Boardman and Norman Vaughan has always escaped me. Maybe it's just me.

POP SONGS

I have always had a soft spot for 'Ferry Cross The Mersey' and 'Penny Lane' and 'Strawberry Fields Forever' are songs which reflect well on the city but then you have 'In My Liverpool Home' and 'Liverpool Lou' from our old friends The Scaffold and the truly cringe worthy 'Long Haired Lover From Liverpool' from Little Jimmy Osmond. I cannot decide whether or not I like 'Going Down To Liverpool' by The Bangles. It's certainly no 'Manic Monday' but has a certain strange charm

So there you have it. I am not sure there was enough there to change my initial ruling. In Scotland I think we would call it Not Proven

Notwithstanding it was a most enjoyable trip!

Me, I funk but I don't care, I ain't no square with my corkscrew hair

So, Young Ben turned two last Saturday and celebrated with a dinosaur party at Rainforest Adventure Soft Play Centre in East Kilbride

Several guests came dressed as dinosaurs and even some of the kids also had costumes. It was bedlam. There is a large area with slides and ropes and tunnels and bridges and many other wonderful activities

I did not venture into this area but Ben took his dad and his Uncle Den on a series of expeditions into this magical land. I did notice that on several occasions long after Ben emerged from this area my two sons were still climbing and sliding away. Obviously they were just looking after one another. That's what brothers do

He received a vast array of presents including a snapping T.Rex head on the end of a stick which was excellent for terrorising passers by

Many of the presents were dinosaur themed but I also saw toys featuring Peppa Pig, Thomas The Tank Engine and Chuggington amongst the substantial collection which should just about last him until Santa comes

I bought him a Fireman Sam set as this is one of our favourite shows which we watch on our days together. Pontypandy only has about a dozen people living in the town but it has more fires than California in the dry season

Food was served in a room upstairs including jelly and ice cream and a chocolate fondue fountain. All manner of foodstuffs were dipped in chocolate even Maltesers. You can never have enough chocolate on chocolate

After a slight lull in the chaos during intake of nourishment they were off downstairs again on a treasure hunt.

All in all a fine time was had by all. In the evening Ben took his Mum and Dad and his big cousin to a Disney on Ice show at Braehead Arena featuring Mickey and Minnie and his own personal favourite 'The Lion King' or 'Baby Roar' as he likes to call young Simba

Whilst watching the Barca vs Real Madrid game on Sunday night I received a text from my son showing Ben in his new Barca strip with Ben 2 on the back. This was a present from his Uncle Den and in the words of Mr Stewart he certainly 'Wore it well'

Who knows in a few years he may be wearing one of these for real. I would be happy to see him in an Ayr top and the way we are playing this season that could happen fairly soon

So, that was the birthday weekend. He has now reached 'The Terrible Twos'. I look forward to another year of delight from the wonder that is my grandson Ben.

Well, pistons keep on churnin' and the wheels go 'round and 'round and the steel rails they lie cold and hard on the mountains they go down

As I have previously mentioned I do love a good bridge and in particular a good viaduct and last weekend I had the great pleasure to travel over the Glenfinnan Viaduct aboard the Jacobite steam train on the trip between Fort William and Mallaig and back again

This particular train and viaduct have become famous worldwide thanks to their usage in the Harry Potter movies. Having never read or seen anything to do with Harry Potter this connection was wasted on me and I was left to simply enjoy the breathtaking scenery and the enjoyment of a journey on a steam train

The train leaves Fort William at 10.20 in the morning and as soon as you take in the sounds and smell as the steam train gathers pace you feel as if you are transported back in time to an altogether more innocent age.

It is not long before the train reaches the magnificent Glenfinnan Viaduct. This impressive structure was built between July 1897 and October 1898 at a cost of under £19,000. My own photo taken through the train window does not do the viaduct justice so the main picture used above was taken from Harry Potter's flying car

The train then stops at Glenfinnan station allowing you to stretch your legs and enjoy a photo opportunity with superb scenery on all sides

The train then travels on through Arisaig, Britain's most Westerly mainland railway station from where you can see the isles of Rum, Eigg, Muck, Canna and the southern tip of Skye. It is compulsory to sing "Speed bonnie boat............" at this point

You then pass Morar and the silvery beaches used in the movie 'Local Hero'. Strangely the couple sitting opposite us had never seen 'Local Hero'. After giving them a quick synopsis of the plot for the movie and a rendition of the excellent Mark Knopfler soundtrack tune they assured me they would rectify this gap in their lives on their return to Penrith

On arrival at Mallaig there is a turnaround time of about an hour and a half. Mallaig is a fishing port and ferry terminal with services to the 'Small Isles' and Skye. I have to confess that half an hour would have been plenty here but this is undoubtedly the busiest spell of the day for the residents of Mallaig with several coaches full of passengers all looking to have lunch and spend money at the same time. There is a housing estate on the side of the hill here and I thought to myself what a wonderful view to have from your window every morning when you wake up

The return journey was spent chatting with our new found friends from Penrith, generally enjoying the scenery and taking random photos through the windows. As we were facing backwards on the return journey this proved tricky as a tree or tunnel would appear from nowhere just as I was about to capture a magic moment

I did however manage to capture a nice photo of the couple across the aisle who were from Atlanta, Georgia. I am now familiar with their entire family history along with the advantages of living in Atlanta even though their conversation was not with us

On my return home I looked up how possible it was to see the viaduct from below and now plan to drive up sometime soon so there may be more scintillating viaduct pictures to follow at a later date

The train journey has been voted Top Railway Journey in the World. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone and you do not have to have any knowledge of Harry Potter to enjoy it

Each time I hear, ra da da da da..........

'Michelle, ma belle.
Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble,
Très bien ensemble.'

These insightful words have recently earned Paul McCartney France's Legion of Honour Award.

I am not sure that when Napoleon Bonaparte first introduced this honour in 1802 that this was what he had in mind. Equally when Sir Paul penned this little ditty in 1965 I don't suppose that he expected that nearly 50 years later it would result in such an accolade.

Over the years it has not been uncommon for pop songs to throw in a little foreign language to spice things up and give them an air of sophistication. Who can forget the Swedish Britt Ekland singing seductively in French on Rod Stewart's 'Tonight's The Night'. I can only imagine with Britt that every night was in fact the night

In the 60s 'Je t'aime...moi non plus' became not only the first single in a foreign language to top the UK charts but also the first banned number one single due to it's supposed sexual content although to me if you read the Phone Book in French it would sound sexual

Anyway I present my Top 10 Songs including foreign lyrics (strangely most of them are French, so there may be more Legion of Honour Medals to follow)

1. Monsieur Dupont.....Sandie Shaw (1969)
    'I'm learning every day, a different word to say
    I know "je t'aime" and "je t'adore"
    But won't you tell me how, oh won't you tell me now
    The way to say en Francais: Give me more!'

....and she sang that without any shoes on. Why was that not banned?

2. Wooden Heart.........Elvis went all German and asked his 'schatz' to 'bleibst hier'

3. Denis, Denis....Blondie
     'Je suis si folle de toi'.....I wish Debbie Harry was 'si folle de moi'

4. Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick.....Ian Dury mixed his French and German and told us
    'Je t'adore, Ich liebe dich'....'Das ist gut, c'est fantastique'

5. Look What They Done To My Song, Ma......Melanie complained that 'ils ont change ma chanson et ce n'est pas bon, ma'

6. Que Sera Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be......we're going to Wembley with Doris Day

7. Games Without Frontiers....Peter Gabriel's excellent song includes the hook 'Jeux Sans Frontieres' and even quotes "It's A Knockout" which was the UK version of the game from the continent

8. Across The Universe.......The Beatles....John Lennon introduced a Sanskrit Mantra 'Jai Guru Deva, Om' which loosely translates as 'Ayr, Ayr Super Ayr'

9. Fade To Grey....Visage front man Steve Strange told us of an 'homme dans une gare desole...deux yeux fixes et froides' before he began to 'deperir a gris'

10. Hold On Tight....ELO....Jeff Lynne and the boys advised us 'accroches toi a ton reve'. Sound advice Jeff


Right I am off to sing that line in French from 'Lady Marmalade' to some poor unsuspecting female and hope that I don't get my usual slap in the face

Au Revoir, mes amis!