what we've got here is failure to communicate

As I was flicking TV channels the other night I came across one of those movies that no matter how many times you have seen it before and no matter how much of the movie you have already missed, you simply have to watch the rest of it. The movie was Cool Hand Luke and it made me realise again what a great actor Paul Newman was. A man fit to be called a Hollywood Legend from the time when movie stars were held in awe.

My top 5 Paul Newman movies would be

1. Cool Hand Luke
2. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
3. Hombre
4. The Hudsucker Proxy
5. The Road To Perdition (showing that even in 2002 he still had what it takes)


When I was young my dad often took me to the movies and I grew up on a diet of Tarzan and Cowboy movies (going by the size of me now there must have been a lot of them). Gary Cooper and Burt Lancaster were my heroes although I never quite forgave Gary for shooting Burt in Vera Cruz. It was only recently when I was watching High Noon again that I realised Gary was 51 at the time and Grace Kelly 22, but hey he was Gary Cooper

In those days we had stars like Newman, McQueen, Brando, Redford and as I grew older there was De Niro and Pacino. I am not sure that the stars today have the same aura. Now it is DiCaprio and Tom Cruise but in a movie like Inception the special effects seem more important than the leading man

I remember watching Casablanca again recently on TV and this iconic movie takes place almost entirely in a bar but it still looks as good almost 70 years on. The scene where The Marseillaise is sung over the German song is still one of the most powerful and moving scenes I have ever seen. Of course it helped that Casablanca had Bogey and Ingrid "here's looking at you kid" Bergman

They also have a very bad habit in Hollywood of doing really awful remakes of movies that I saw when I was young and which just should not have been allowed

I leave you this week with my Top 5 Worst Ever Remakes

1. Psycho...the 1960 original is still the scariest movie I have ever seen and has Anthony Perkins and Janet Leigh. The 1998 remake has Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche. I liked Vince Vaughn in Old School and Anchorman but as Norman Bates? That's just not going to fly.

2. Rollerball...the 1975 version had James Caan and was right for it's time. The 2002 remake had Chris Klein and LL Cool J...enough said

3. Planet Of The Apes....I remember going to The Odeon in Ayr to see this in 1968. It starred Charlton Heston and had the crazy Statue of Liberty ending. Needless to say I did not go to the movies in 2001 to see the remake which starred Mark Wahlberg and which tried to have a crazier ending and failed miserably

4. The Wicker Man...the 1973 original was a strange disturbing movie with Edward Woodward and a writhing Britt Ekland. The 2006 remake.....Nicolas what were you thinking? This is right up there with Captain Corelli's Mandolin for worst ever Nic Cage movies

5. The Pink Panther...it takes a brave man to follow Peter Sellers (1963) and although Steve Martin has made some funny films (Trains, Planes etc) unfortunately this 2006 remake was not one of them

If they ever make a new version of The Deer Hunter I will be a very worried man

well morning comes and you're still with her and the bus and the tourists have gone

After subjecting my brain to years and years of pop music I am attempting to harness my own super power. I am "sing the lyrics of a song and be transported through space and time to the events of that song guy". I admit it's not as catchy as Spiderman or Batman but I am working on it.

Unfortunately I have not yet perfected this super power and at present it is somewhat sporadic and I find myself a bit like The Time Traveller's Wife's Husband. One minute I can be minding my own business, singing to myself, when suddenly there I am working on a chain gang with my mate Sam. Now I know we have all worked on a chain gang at some time in our lives but, hey, I've done my time, let a man move on with his life

The other morning I was just looking out of my window at the rain dirty valley and suddenly --wallop--there was Brigadoon and some show-off climbing a ladder with a torch in his pocket and the wind at his heels and yes we have all seen your comet trail blazing trick before so just let it go

Then last week I was walkin' down the street, concentratin' on truckin' right but I wasn't singing 10CC, I was singing Don McLean "And I love Her So" and when I looked behind there was Hank Marvin and Bruce Welch following me (younger readers may have to look this one up)

As I say though I cannot plan an episode. No matter how many times I walk along the beach singing Bobby Goldsboro all I ever end up with is sand in my shoes. I guess Bobby did not have Prestwick Beach in mind when he wrote that song. Sometimes I get my Bobby Goldsboro lyrics mixed up and a massive tree suddenly appears before me. Yes Bobby, I can see how big it's grown

And no matter how many times I sing about kissing a girl and liking it the feelings do not appear to be reciprocal

But sometimes it just works like a charm. Who wouldn't want to be sailing up the west coast through villages and towns although I can live without the Raki and the Maynard Keynes (have you ever read Maynard Keynes?...Ricky Ross may be the only person from Dundee who has )

And how many times have you strolled through the crowd like Peter Lorre, contemplating a crime on a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turn back time

Earlier this week I was in my house singing Richard Marx when a man with a badge came knocking and there was I surrounded by a thousand fingers suddenly pointed right at me. I swore I left her by the river, I swore I left her safe and sound but the neighbours still took a bit of convincing and I thought setting fire to the house was a bit over the top. Innocent until proven guilty people!

My heating broke down last week, but no matter how often I sing the song it would appear in fact that Bob the Builder cannot fix it and I will have to call out a heating engineer

Sometimes the song works without any magic. I was with Young Ben yesterday and I was singing "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life", when he gave me one of his little smiles. Who needs super powers when you have a smile like that

Notwithstanding, I will keep singing "Island In The Sun" and hope for the best

Hold Me, Close To Your Heart, Touch Me And Give All Your Love To Me, To Me

So, I had a meeting at the BBC this week to try and sell them some of my latest scriptwriting ideas

The first one was personal. It was to be a reality show based on the trials and tribulations of a grandfather looking after a troublesome child. It was to be called Ben Behaving Badly. Unfortunately (that should really read fortunately) Young Ben is such an angel that I have had to shelve this idea. Perhaps I can revisit it when he reaches the Terrible Twos.

Then there was the story of the tough talking, hard drinking female Scottish lawyer, it was called Swally McBeal

Next was another reality show about a group of women from Cowdenbeath who try to lose weight using a new diet that only allows them to eat one particular chocolate bar....it's called Fife On Mars

Following on from the success of The Scheme I had an idea for a documentary dealing with the lives of drug dealers and their customers in Pollock. I even had optional titles for that one....Top Gear or Whose Line is it Anyway

And staying in Glasgow there was the comedy series set in a Govanhill off-licence....Have I Got Booze For You

I could tell I was losing them so I started to bring out the big guns. A show to find the the lead singer for a Shakespeare Musical about a King who tests his daughters before dividing up his kingdom.....Sing Lear

Or the competition for farmers to take on an obstacle course in their own machines...The X Tractor

Then there was the in depth expose of Scottish Transport Minister Stewart Stevenson and his awareness and weather forecasting prowess during last year's road fiasco in Scotland. I believe he picked the title for that one himself...A Touch Of Frost

But I saved the coup de grace for last. It had all the ingredients viewers love today....vampires, celebrity sportsmen, cooking....Colin Montgomery is opening a new restaurant so he asks Dracula to help him cook the perfect steak (vampires..steak...see what I did there). This one is called The Count Of Monty's Bistro

They said not to call them but that they would call me. Strangely that is also what women always say to me so I am not sure that is a good thing. Oh well back to that unfinished novel

and it's taking you so long, to find out you were wrong, when you thought it had everything

So, I made a New Year's Resolution not to make any New Year's Resolutions and obviously I broke that New Year's Resolution by making a New Year's Resolution not to make any New Year's Resolutions. Anyway you catch my drift on the futility of New Year's Resolutions.



I spent a great day babysitting Young Ben last week while his Mum and Dad were out gallivanting around (isn't gallivanting a great word). We managed to make use of most of the toys he received from Santa, which trust me was no mean feat and I even introduced him to the Incy Wincy Spider Song. He seemed somewhat concerned for the fate of Incy after the heavy rain but was relieved to discover that it all ended well once Incy reclaimed his rightful spot up that rinsed out spout.

Over the Festive period my PC finally expired and went to meet its maker (Packard Bell I believe). It is now bereft of life,it rests in peace. It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It is an ex-PC. I was therefore left without Internet access for over a week and suddenly realised how reliant I was on this access. I had to resort to "Old School" tactics like reading a newspaper, or watching the news. I even actually spoke to some people during this time. Fortunately my mate Ian has hooked me up again and I can now revert back to my Howard Hughes like existence

I do however still meet my brother once a week for lunch and we play our Desert Island game. This week's went as follows


BRIAN…This week the topic is Desert Island Sandwiches…I’ll give you my top 3 to give you time to think
1. Club Sandwich..multi storey mixture of Chicken, Bacon, lettuce, tomato
2. Brie & Cranberry…for the more discerning castaway
3. Egg Mayonnaise…simple & delicious and the after effects not such a problem on a desert island

RON….interesting, interesting. I will go for..
1. Mature Cheddar Ploughman..can’t beat an old favourite
2. Haggis & Strawberries…Rabbie Burns meets Wimbledon awesome
3. If there is a Subway on this island I’ll have a Foot long meatball sub

BRIAN…It’s not Union Street, it’s a desert island. There is no Subway

RON…aye, ok…ham & mustard then

The barmaid interrupts…..What are you guys talking about this week?

BRIAN…Desert Island Sandwiches

BARMAID….Desert Island Sandwiches? You guys are really sad

BRIAN….Sad? Sad? It wasn’t that last week when it was Desert Island Shoes

I do really need to get out more

It was sad to read of the passing of Gerry Rafferty last week. I wrote in a recent Blog about the legacy you leave behind. I think most of us would be happy to leave behind Baker Street as a way to be remembered. I certainly would. Not many people get to write a song as good as that. I hope they have saxophones in heaven

Just for a moment I was back at school and felt that old familiar pain, and as I turned to make my way back home, the snow turned into rain

Well, that's Christmas done for another year. The Perfume adverts have finished and the Holiday ones have started. So now New Year approaches and reviews of the year gone by begin. So what kind of year has it been?
We have swapped a fairly dull PM for an even duller PM with a dull sidekick.England did not win the World Cup. Robbie rejoined Take That. Aung San Suu Kyi was released in Burmah after spending 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest. We had chaos in the summer with the Icelandic volcano ash cloud and further chaos in the winter when it snowed. Ayr United were relegated. 33 miners were rescued from mine in Chile after being trapped underground for 68 days. Wagner did not win The X Factor

I believe that covers the main global points of the year so I will now give you my own personal review of 2010

Best Moment of 2010: 11.28 AM 06/10/10 Young Ben arrives in the world and makes me a grandfather for the first time

Best Live Match attended in 2010.....Scotland 2 Spain 3. Although Scotland lost this one it was a pleasure to watch Spain and they did win me some money with their earlier World Cup win

Worst Live Match attended in 2010....Morton 2 Ayr 1 ...Ayr snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by losing two late goals and are relegated on the last day of the season. Happy Days

Best TV in 2010.....Mad Men......if you have not seen it, watch it. It is excellent

Worst TV moment of 2010....Storm singing Born To Run on The X Factor. There really should be a law against that

Favourite Album of 2010...The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

Best New Imaginary Girlfriend of 2010....Zooey Deschanel

Best Books read in 2010...Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell and Plainsong & Eventide by Kent Haruf

Best Sandwich of 2010.....Brie and Cranberry

Favourite Movie seen in 2010....The Hangover

Favourite Song of 2010...U Smile by Justin Bieber (just checking to see if any of you have actually read this far)

Well that's it for this year.Abbreviated Blog this week. People must have better ways to make use of their holidays than read this mince. Happy New Year to you all when it comes. I will be back in 2011

He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake

Only six days to go and then as Noddy Holder famously said IT'S CHRISTMAS!. The tree is up , the presents are wrapped (except those that have not arrived as yet from Amazon ...that's the book/cd provider not that dwindling rainforest area in Brazil...Ben's pet pink-toed Tarantula arrived from there weeks ago) the turkey is playing happily in the back garden oblivious to his fate and the TV is awash with perfume adverts.

I have noticed in recent years how these have become more and more elaborate like Music Videos and now contain Hollywood stars. I believe there is now an Oscar category for Best Performance in a Perfume Advert. The nominees are Ryan Reynolds for Hugo Boss, James Franco for Gucci, Jude Law for Dior Homme, Naomi Watts for Angel by Thierry Mugler and Charlize Theron for Dior J'Adore. Charlize would definitely get my vote.

The Jude Law advert is set in Paris and c'est vraiment affreux. The very attractive French lady asks "How will I recognise you?" and Jude replies "Oh, Don't you worry about that. You'll know when I'm there" Yes, because he will be standing under the Eiffel Tower absolutely reeking of Dior Homme and speaking in a bad Cockney accent.

I almost appeared in a perfume ad myself. I made the final two for the Dolce and Gabbana advert but for some reason they went for the lad in the white trunks. I think he is slightly taller than I am.

It seems that nowadays almost anyone can put there name to a perfume....I mean Kerry Katona and Coleen Rooney...Really? Soon we will have Faithful by Tommy Sheridan, Cain And Abel by Ed Miliband, Sincere by David Cameron and Filled Nappy by Ben

But so-called Celebrities are everywhere on TV nowadays. I remember it was a novelty when people like Andre Previn or Angela Rippon appeared on Morecambe and Wise but this Christmas we could have 'Celebrity Present Wrapping', 'Celebrity Cracker Pulling' and 'Celebrity Tree Decorating'

I leave you this week with my Top 5 Favourite Festive Songs & Movies

Songs

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town....Bruce Springsteen ......what else would it be
2. Merry Xmas Everybody....Slade...Noddy, 70s, Xmas..what's not to like
3. Last Christmas...Wham....last Christmas George gave her his heart but this year she is up the mountain with Andrew...it's enough to put George off women for life
4. Fairytale of New York...The Pogues....you cannot not (double negative?) sing along to this
5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus....Brenda Lee....particularly traumatic at the time but explained to me years later...my real dad is Santa Claus

Movies

1. Die Hard.....I guess I am just an old romantic at heart
2. Ben Hur....perhaps not an actual Christmas movie but it is on every Christmas and it does have an appearance by Jesus
3. Jack Frost....brings a tear to the eye, especially for Claire
4. Elf..Will Ferrell has given many outstanding performances but this may just be his finest (apart from Anchorman of course)
5. A Night at the Opera...The Marx Brothers....yes I know it's not a Christmas movie but it does include the immortal lines "That's what they call a Sanity Clause".."You can't fool me, there aint no Sanity Clause" and I had to fit that in somehow

Well, That's it. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa is good to you all

the road is long with many a winding turn

Today (12/12/10) is the birthday of my youngest son, Ben's Uncle Dean or The Human Calcy as his Maths teacher once famously called him. He is earning a crust down in The Big Smoke so I won't see him today but he did make a special trip home last weekend for his brother Den's 30th.

We had a night out all together last Saturday at Sean's pub (we like to keep it in the family) and it was great to see such a large turnout. There were friends of all three of my sons there and it is testament to his character that so many people made the effort to show up. We have always had an open door policy in our house when it comes to friends visiting so I have known many of the boys there for nearly 20 years and shared in their highs and lows as well as those of my own family

There was a lot of hugging, a lot of laughing, a lot of emotion and even some kissing (that was Claire's fault) but mostly there was a lot of drink. Special mention must go to Cunns (pronounced Cunns) for his Rothesay reminiscences, to Hamish for his efforts with the sambuca and to Greg whose free-style dancing was the highlight of the evening

I like to think that my sons and I have a special relationship, perhaps circumstances made it that way, but the fact that they are still all close friends makes me very happy. They have a bond and now the arrival of young Ben has strengthened that bond. I believe life is about priorities and if your family is not your number one priority then what is the point in being here.

They are my legacy. As you get older you start to look back on your life and your achievements. I have no regrets (apart from not asking out Linda Bell in 1972).I am a lucky man. I have walked over The Golden Gate Bridge, I have crossed 110th Street, I have seen Scotland win at Wembley and I have eaten the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila (ok it may have been mezcal). I know that I have not created any miracle cure for a fatal disease but I also know that the world is a better place for having my sons in it. I realise that this is not unique and that many parents will feel this way which is as it should be.

I am not saying they are perfect and that I have agreed with all their choices in life (I still don't understand how any sons of mine could support *******) but all you can do is teach them right from wrong, point them in the appropriate direction and be there when they need you (and hope that at least one of them makes a good enough living to look after you in your old age)

Over recent years we have enjoyed many trips away together to places like Madrid, Barcelona, Albufeira, Porta Pollensa, Amsterdam, Sunderland (strangely they all seem to be connected to football) and I have been privileged to be in their company and listen to their banter and watch them in action
Claire and Young Ben are now a part of this elite club and will share in the rewards that membership brings. I was hoping Young Ben would be taking his grandpa to the World Cup in 2018 but Vladivostok may prove more challenging than Manchester.

Apologies if this week has been over self-indulgent but it is my son's birthday and he is miles from home. Happy Birthday Dean. Hope you have a good one!