Can't you see, it's the chemistry, you really must agree....

Last night I had the pleasure to watch what is being described as the finest club football team ever completely destroy the best of the rest. If it had been a boxing match it would have been stopped long before the end. Manchester United just could not live with the passing of Xavi and Iniesta and the front line of Villa, Pedro and the incomparable Messi

But the class displayed by Barcelona in their play does not stop there. With two minutes left to play Guardiola sent on his club captain Carles Puyol, who was not deemed fit enough to start the game, so that he could lift the trophy. In turn Puyol then selflessly gave the captain's armband to Eric Abidal, who had missed part of the season to receive surgery to remove a liver tumour, so that he could be the one to lift the trophy. Gestures like this sum up the ethos and spirit of the team.

Mes que un club indeed.

I hope Mr Mourinho was watching last night so he could view how a club can play attractive football and still be the best and how managers should conduct themselves. Alex Ferguson was gracious in defeat and admitted that Barcelona had given his team 'a hiding'

But what about Gerard Pique? Here is a player that Manchester United allowed to leave. He has since won The World Cup with Spain and now two Champions League medals with Barcelona ....and his girlfriend is Shakira. To my mind that is just being plain greedy

Even more importantly last weekend my team Ayr United won the play-offs and were promoted to the Scottish First Division when our own version of Lionel Messi, Michael Moffat scored the winning goal at Brechin with two minutes left to play. This means that next season instead of visiting places like Cowdenbeath, Coatbridge and Dumbarton we will travel to the glamour spots of Dundee, Falkirk, Dingwall and Greenock

It is two months before the new season kicks off. In the meantime I will have to feign interest in tennis, golf and even cricket. Hopefully we experience some good weather so Young Ben and I can get the jumpers down for goalposts and have some serious games of three-and-in. He can be Lionel Messi and I will be Michael Moffat (not at the same time obviously, one of us will have to go in goal, and when I say one of us, I mean me)

Roll on the 23rd July and the first round of the Numpty Cup

I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly

What noise does a giraffe make?


Young Ben and I were playing with all his animal friends last week and I was doing my best to impersonate the relevant noises they make.


Pooh and Tigger and Eeyore were easy as they even have their own songs. Oh how we love that crazy jovial Eeyore and clap our ears along with him to show we are happy


The Gruffalo book even allows for dozy old codgers like me and makes the noises for you as you read the story


I can quack and make the silly Donald Duck voice as good as the next man and normal animal noises like elephants, bears, dogs and cats are like water off Donald's back. Ben's personal favourite is my 'eeh eeh eeh' noise for the little monkey he has. The ensuing sore throat is well worth it for the chuckles from Ben

But a giraffe? They are certainly not the most loquacious of animals and there seems to be some debate about whether they make any noise at all

It seems to me that over the years giraffes have had somewhat of a raw deal. How many famous giraffes do you know? Perhaps Geoffrey the Giraffe who found fame as the mascot for Toys 'R' Us but he worked long hours and never got a day off.

Then there was the giraffe from the wonderful Roald Dahl story 'The Giraffe and The Pelly and Me' who was part of The Ladderless Window Cleaning Company but to the best of my recollection he did not have a name. Even the pelican was referred to as 'Pelly'

I have mentioned before that when I was young my dad used to take me to see Tarzan movies. I recall seeing Tarzan fight lions, crocodiles, snakes and even tigers on his visit to India but I don't remember him in a life or death tussle with a giraffe.

Tarzan had allies in the elephants and monkeys, particularly his sidekick Cheeta, but why was he never rescued from deadly quicksand or a deep pit by the long helpful neck of a heroic giraffe. No, I am afraid giraffes were the Switzerland of Tarzan movies only seen in bad cutaway moments masticating on leaves other beers could not reach and sharing the screen with those black and white horsey looking things

But wait, along comes Sophie the Giraffe, one of the best selling children's toys ever (Ben has two, as the first one lost her squeak in the wash). Sophie was born in Paris on May 25th 1961 which apparently is St Sophie's Day. Since then over 30 million Sophies have been sold. She is everything you would expect of a French mademoiselle. She is cute,has long legs, oozes style, is slightly aloof and all the boys love her. According to her agent she is soft, light and easy to grasp and is perfect for little hands, making a happy sound when squeezed.Strangely though she does not smoke.

Apparently Sophie aids in the Sensory Development of your child stimulating each of his senses from the age of 3 months.These include...
TOUCH : Touch is the first means baby has of communicating with the outside world. Sophie the Giraffe's soft feel is just like mummy's skin, stimulating soothing physiological and emotional responses that soothe baby. (I am not sure Claire would appreciate her skin being compared to that of a giraffe)

SMELL : The singular scent of natural rubber (from the Hevea tree) makes Sophie the Giraffe very special and easy for your child to identify amid all his other toys. (who doesn't like the smell of natural rubber)

It will be her 50th birthday on Wednesday and Young Ben and I will be celebrating with a cake and a lot of candle blowing. I think we bought her a scarf as a present.

Bon Anniversaire Sophie! I hope I look as good as you when I reach 50.

ps Apologies to any of my readers who woke up this morning to discover that Harold Camping was incorrect and the only Rapture going was being sung by Blondie on the radio and have therefore been subjected to yet another Blog

Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest from all the unborn chicken noises in my head

'Unexpected item in bagging area'...yes, I suppose you could call a seven month old baby an unexpected item but it did seem a tad presumptuous to me. Young Ben and I were in Sainsburys last week picking up a few essential items and decided to use the self-checkout system. The nice lady inside the machine was keeping us right as we scanned our items
...Beep...'Organic carrots, Really? Remember to put them in the brown bin when you find them in your fridge unopened next week'
...Beep....' Sainsburys Wine Gums 500g. Another Saturday night in watching Match of the Day, is it?'
...Beep...'The Guardian. Oh get you! You do know there are no Page Three Girls in The Guardian I assume?'
...Beep...'Flora Light. Don't you think it's a bit late for that?'
...Beep...'Sainsburys Leaf Salad. No, please, stop! You are going to blow my circuits'

I didn't realise machines could laugh but apparently so. I decided this was enough and just wanted to pay and go

'Have you swiped your Nectar Card?'
'Did you remember to take your pills this morning?'
' Select payment type'
' Sorry we do not accept Monopoly money'
' What a cute baby. He must take his looks from his mother's side'

....and then when I tried to put my free Glaswegian newspaper in one of my carrier bags, all hell broke loose. Sirens sounded, Shutters came crashing down, SWAT teams appeared from nowhere....'Customer assistance required. Check under his jumper as well. It looks a bit bulky'...no sorry that's just me, maybe I should put the Wine Gums back.

All in all a fairly traumatic episode although Ben loved all the excitement. It did strike me though that in our daily life we are experiencing less and less social interaction (if you don't count the SWAT team).

You can now do your shopping without talking to anyone, you can order anything you need on-line and even on the telephone it is often a machine at the other end of the line, even when they call you.

Even when travelling in your car, you no longer have to stop and ask directions or take the trouble to look at a map, you have good old Sat Nav.

I used to have a Sat Nav in my car but she left me for Cain. Good luck telling him he has reached his destination.

The other day whilst driving Talking Heads were on the radio singing 'We're on the road to nowhere' when my new Sat Nav with celebrity voice overs cut in and the wonderful Doc Brown told me ' Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads' . Yes, you guessed it, I was heading for Cowdenbeath

Slightly more worrying was when Dennis Hopper came on and stated ' Pop Quiz hotshot. There's a bomb in your car. Once your car goes 50mph the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?' Fortunately I was on the M8 heading for Kingston Bridge so there was no danger of me ever reaching 50mph. I had to ignore Mr Cruise when he cut in to advise 'I feel the need. The need for speed'...not today Tom, not today.

But when you hear Maggie Thatcher telling you 'At the next opportunity make a U-turn' you know it's time to switch off your Sat Nav and go back to trying to keep cartographers in a job.

Anyway, I need to let Ben on the computer now so he can order us tickets for the movie Rio. He knows if I do it we could end up spending an evening with the Manchester United centre half.

Ah, the joys of technology

please, please don't cry, this is just adios and not goodbye

Legend is a word far to freely used in the sporting world these days but I do not think many people would argue against using it to describe the genius that was Seve Ballesteros

Playing a sport that over the years has not been averse to elitism, sexism and indeed racism Seve showed us a different kind of game and moved from being a European star to a Global superstar mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Palmer, Nicklaus and Player

But it was about far more than his talent as a golfer. It was about the way he played the game, with a style and flair unlike any other and this endeared him to sports followers worldwide

His smile was infectious and his film star good looks made him the pin-up boy of golf but to me the lasting memory of Seve will be his celebrations at St Andrews in 1984 after his superb putt on the 18th. This has to be one of the most iconic moments in sport and still gives me tingles when I watch it today. This was a man at the top of his game doing what he loved although it always seemed to me that whatever Seve had decided to do in life he would have been a success at it and would be doing it with a smile on his face

He won 3 Opens and 2 Masters and was inspirational in the Ryder Cup as player and captain alike. The tributes paid to him by his fellow professional golfers show just how highly he was respected and revered. It is said that his great friend Jose Maria Olazabal was in tears most of the day playing his round at the Spanish Open at the weekend.

I am not a golfer myself but can still appreciate the talent and charisma that was Severiano Ballesteros. Via Con Dios Seve!

In a week that also saw us lose Henry Cooper and the great snooker commentator "Whispering" Ted Lowe I heard with sadness today that John Walker of the pop group The Walker Brothers had died in California at the age of 67 so as a mark of respect this week's blog is missing the usual flippant asides and I leave you with the words from one of hits of The Walker Brothers

The sun ain't gonna shine anymore
The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes

I'm only a common old working chap as anyone here can see, but when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

So on a beautiful sunny day last week Young Ben and I sat on a hill in Queen's Park looking out across our great city of Glasgow and I said to him "Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?"

Glasgow is no longer the No Mean City portrayed in the famous novel. In recent years we have hosted The Garden Festival and been City of Culture and in 2014 we will host The Commonwealth Games

This was the birth place of Charles Rennie Mackintosh who left us the legacy of buildings such as The Willow Tearooms, The Glasgow School of Art and The Scotland Street School. We also have other famous landmarks such as Glasgow University, The People's Palace, Kelvingrove Art Gallery and The Finnieston Crane

This Dear Green Place has no shortage of parks either with the wonderful Botanic Gardens, Queen's Park, Kelvingrove Park, Pollok Country Park and Rouken Glen to name but a few. My own favourite park however is Hampden Park, scene of many a Scottish triumph over The Auld Enemy.

Let us not forget either that Glasgow Celtic were the first British team to win The European Cup in 1967 and did so with a team of home-grown local players all born within a 30 mile radius of Celtic Park. The current Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson was also born in Glasgow

Famous musicians born in Glasgow include Mark Knopfler, Jack Bruce, Alex Harvey, Donovan and Jim Kerr not to mention Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie, better known as Lulu (actually I am not sure I want Lulu on that list). It is also the birthplace of one of the most famous living Scotsmen of our time, the one and only Billy Connolly. He once said "The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards" It is ok for Glaswegians to make fun of Glasgow, we just don't like outsiders doing it

Notable films set in Glasgow include Small Faces, Ae Fond Kiss, Ratcatcher and the excellent Comfort and Joy starring Bill Patterson. It is also the home of Taggart ("There's been a murder"). Mark McManus who played Taggart died in 1994 so they killed off his character, but 17 years later it is still called Taggart even though there no longer is a Taggart...only in Glasgow

Glasgow has excellent shopping streets such as Argyle Street, Buchanan Street and Sauchiehall Street and we even have shops on both sides of our streets unlike our more famous neighbour Princes Street

If you have never been to Glasgow, you really should make the effort. You will not be disappointed

I leave you this week with my top 5 visits to Hampden Park


1. Scotland 2 England 1 1976 (the day King Kenny put the ball through Clemence's legs)
2. Ayr United 1 Hibs 0 2002 (Eddie Annand's extra-time penalty takes Ayr through to their first ever cup final)
3. Bruce Springsteen Concert 2009 (The Boss in my own backyard)
4. Scotland 1 France 0 2006 (just...Wow!)
5. Rangers v Kilnockie 1999 (My mate and I and our kids were part of the crowd for the filming of this final which was the gripping climax to the movie A Shot At Glory starring Robert Duvall and Ally McCoist.....I have omitted the score in case you have not seen the film. I don't want to spoil the ending for you)

No matter if fools say we can't win, I know I'll fall in love again

So, as Young Ben and I tucked into our umpteenth chocolate egg earlier today I recalled a recent conversation I had with my youngest son who now lives in London.

He said he had been sitting at his desk on a hot day eating a Twister ice lolly and the taste of the Twister triggered a memory of warm days in Rothesay, in years gone by, eating the same product. This was a new one on me. I have songs that I hear that remind me instantly of a time or a person in my life but the thought of food doing this intrigued me

I tried to recall what tastes made an impression on me when I was young and the earliest recollection I had was from Primary School in Ayr when we used to walk down to the shops at the bottom of Heathfield Road and buy collecting cards sets like Flags Of The World or The American Civil War. Now these sets contained a flat stick of chewing gum which was one of the few forbidden fruits of my childhood. Chewing gum was one of my dad's biggest foibles. He hated the stuff. I think he would have accepted his sons committing Treason, Grand Larceny or even Patricide before seeing them chewing gum, so for years I would buy my cards and put my gum in the bin or swap it with Gordon Smith for the flag of El Salvador

I recall my dad was fond of a 'jeely piece' (which is bread and jam for you folks south of the border). Nothing strange about that I hear you say, but he also liked to have cheese on his 'jeely piece'. Now I cannot honestly say that this taste reminds me of my dad, because I have never had jam on my cheese sandwich

The food that reminds me of my mum is pancakes and syrup. She used to make them for me when I was young, which might help to explain why I am the size I am today but at the time I remember them as being delicious

I have to confess that I am not the most adventurous of Epicureans. I like my steaks well done, actually very well done, actually almost burnt. I know that makes me a bit of a pleb but I don't want my meat to be bleeding or making mooing noises when I cut into it. I want to make sure it is dead

Also I don't eat seafood. The only good things to come out of the sea were Ursula Andress in Dr No and Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. I recall one time in Mallorca with my ex making the almost fatal error of sharing a seafood paella. There were tentacles and all sorts of squidgy little things in there. It was awful. It took several Cervezas that night to wash away the taste

I also recall I was in my twenties before I discovered coleslaw. It was a sunny day in Ayr at my brother's house and his wife had concocted this superb buffet type lunch and there it was. At that time I don't think coleslaw had reached darkest Crook in County Durham. My sister in law was always ahead of the game though. I remember she even served broccoli sometimes instead of beans or peas. I mean, what was that all about?

I also remember when our family was in Australia some years ago staying at a different sister in law we had watermelon straight from the freezer. Frozen watermelon and a cold tinnie on a blistering day in Perth....one of life's great pleasures

I wonder if in years to come Young Ben will be eating a Cadburys Creme Egg and think back to the day he spread one all over his old grandpa's face

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Food Related Songs

1. Strawberry Fields.....The Beatles
2. Rock Lobster..........The B52s
3. Chocolate Girl........Deacon Blue
4. Honey.................Bobby Goldsboro
5. Green Onions..........Booker T. and the MGs
6. Life is a Minestrone..10CC
7. Banana Republic.......The Boomtown Rats
8. One Bad Apple.........The Osmonds
9. Peaches...............The Stranglers
10. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight (sorry dad)....Lonnie Donegan

....and I hope you appreciate how much effort it took not to include Give Peas A Chance by John Lennon

I've played the game but to my real shame, you've left me to grieve all alone

So, I owe Young Ben an apology, or rather, I think Jose Mourinho owes Young Ben an apology. Yesterday I was chatting to the youngster (that's Ben not Jose) and I told him to make sure his mum let him stay up last night to watch El Clasico. For those of you who are not familiar with the term this is the name given to games between Real Madrid and Barcelona, arguably the best club match in the world between two of the most famous sides ever

When I was young Real Madrid were the best side in the world. In 1960 at Hampden Park in Glasgow, Real beat Eintracht Frankfurt 7-3 in what many people believe was the finest football match ever seen. Puskas scored 4 goals and Di Stefano scored 3. This was the way football was supposed to be played. This was what everyone else aspired to. In those early years they won the European Cup 6 times.

In 1967 just two weeks after Celtic won the European Cup they played Real in Madrid in the Alfredo Di Stefano Testimonial. Celtic won 1-0 and the performance of Jimmy Johnstone brought applause from the home crowd, who knew and appreciated a great player when they saw one

After this Real did not win the European Cup again until the late 90's and then came the era of Los Galacticos. They signed players like Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo (the Brazilian one) Raul, Roberto Carlos and David Beckham.

In 2002 they once again won the European Cup (or Champions League as it is now) at Hampden and once again it was special. Zinedine Zidane, probably the finest player I have ever seen play live, scored arguably the best goal ever in a European Final, an exquisite volley which he made look easy and worthy of such a great occasion

I have mentioned before my sons and I saw Real beat Barca 4-2 in 2005 in the best game I have ever seen as a neutral. All of the players mentioned above were involved in that Real team along with Michael Owen

So, fast forward to 2011 and the the first of four El Clasicos last night. In a style alien to all that Real Madrid stand for Mr Mourinho plays a centre half as an extra holding midfielder in a game which he has to win to have any chance of catching Barca in the league. In the end the game finishes 1-1, a result which suits Barca far more than Real and Real's equaliser comes from an extremely dubious penalty

With regards to the forthcoming Champions League semi-finals between the sides, Jose stated in a press conference (in one he actually spoke at) that Real would practice playing with 10 men as his teams always have a man sent off in Barcelona. He failed to mention that in last year's semi-final when he was manager of Inter Milan, Inter scored a goal in the first leg which was suspiciously offside and Barca had a goal disallowed for offside in the second leg which was almost definitely not

I appreciate that Mr Mourinho is an excellent manager but his win at all costs tactics seen previously at Porto and Chelsea do nothing for me. There is an expectation at Madrid to play "The Beautiful Game". For the good of the game and Young Ben I sincerely hope Barca come out on top in the forthcoming matches

ps Special mention and congratulations to friends of our family Ross and Laura on the birth of their baby daughter Gracie earlier this week. If Gracie takes her looks, charm, brains and personality from her mum and her bad chat from her dad she will go far in the world and break a few hearts along the way, just as long as Young Ben is not one of them