All he asks from me is the food to give him strength, all he ever needs is love and that he knows he'll get

Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggety dog
Now we got ears it's time for cheers........so, Young Ben and I were watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on TV the other morning (Ben wanted to watch Bloomberg to see how his shares were doing but I like my Mickey fix in the morning) and I was once again reminded of the strange situation with Pluto and Goofy.

I mean, they are both dogs, are they not, yet Goofy gets to walk upright, wear clothes, drive a car and talk whereas Pluto still runs around on all fours chasing sticks and drinking from a bowl as Mickey's pet. Apparently Goofy is anthropomorphic and sentient (I had to look them up) while Pluto is just a 'dawg'. I wonder how Goofy feels about his best mate Mickey having a dog for a pet. Does he worry that if he lands on hard times he could be back running around naked and barking at trees?...and how does Pluto perceive Goofy? Does he consider him a sell-out who has forsaken his own kind just to make a fast buck?

You have to wonder if that former planet had been called Goofy instead of Pluto it might still be on talking terms with Mars, Venus, Jupiter and the likes

Anyway, in the episode we were watching Goofy was going on a date with a cow (no I am not casting aspersions on the young ladies character, she actually was a cow) Her name was Clarabelle and she walked on two legs and also wore clothes. I believe she even has a pet puppy dog called Bella which just starts to get too weird so I am leaving that one there. I suppose a dog having a cow for a girlfriend is Disney's attempt at racial equality but Mickey still has a mouse for a girlfriend and Donald still has a duck so maybe it only goes so far. Perhaps Mickey and Daisy should have a dalliance

In each episode of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Mickey and his friends can call upon Toodles a computery flying thing with ears which can give them a choice of four "Mouskatools" to help solve any problems they are having. One of the choices is always a question mark so you don't know what you are getting. One day they were looking for something in which to put some flowers from the garden. The three other choices were a Kalshnikov AK-47, an octopus and Joey Barton so they went for the mystery choice. Unfortunately that was the Large Hadron Collider so obviously they should have picked Joey Barton and we all know where they should have put their flowers

Also on The Disney Channel is Handy Manny who is a kind of Hispanic Bob the Builder . Manny has tools which can talk including Turner the flat-head screwdriver, Felipe the Phillips screwdriver, Stretch the tape measure and Pat the hammer, whose catchphrase is "I'm a hammer" (that's why the Disney writers earn the big bucks)

Unfortunately, as yet, he does not have Miami the Vice, Les Paul the Axe, Wesley the Blade, Nurse the Ratchet, Nigel the Planer or Simon the Template (looking forward to your suggestions here)

Obviously since it comes from the Wonderful World of Disney, Handy Manny is educational as well as hilarious with a deep moral message so sometimes Manny and his tools speak in Spanish and repeat in English. Young Ben and I are learning how to put up a shelf in Spanish which will come as a shock to anyone who knows me and is aware that I cannot put up a shelf in English

When I was young my favourite cartoons were Top Cat and The Flintstones. Top Cat is currently being repeated on the Boomerang channel and I watched it the other day in the interests of research for my blog. Given that it was made fifty years ago I think it has aged well. All my old friends were there...TC, Choo-Choo, Brain, Spook, Fancy-Fancy and my personal favourite Benny the Ball who in the episode I watched was mistaken for a missing heir and inherited a fortune which by the end of the episode had obviously been uninherited again

What I liked most about The Flintstones were the gadgets like the baby woolly mammoth used as a vacuum cleaner, an 'electric' razor made from a clam shell with a bee vibrating inside and the woodpecker whose beak was used to play a gramophone record and the animal performing the function would often turn to the camera and say "It's a living"

Anyway, that's me for this week. As my mate Manny would say "I am off to the patio.. 'patio'..for a siesta..'siesta'...Adios Amigos

When we had imaginings and we had all kinds of things, and we laughed and needed love

So, the schools went back this week in Scotland. There were tears as Young Ben and I parted at the gates but I explained that I really wanted to pass that Physics 'O' Level and after 40 years of trying I think this could be the year.

I grew up in Ayr but I don't really remember my first day at Heathfield Primary School but I recall it was so long ago it was in black-and-white. However I do recall walking there and back every day and a distinct lack of four by fours parked on the zig-zags outside the school. They would come much later when my own sons went to school and parents could not make the time or effort to walk 50 yards

Anyway Heathfield school is situated right on the boundary between Ayr and Prestwick so was populated from children from both places. At the time I left for Secondary School my best pal Gordon Smith and the girl of my Primary School dreams (let's call her Catherine) both went on to Prestwick Academy because they lived on the wrong side of the tracks whereas I progressed to Ayr Academy

I remember at that time for some odd reason we spent six months at an intermediate school, I think so that everyone would start Secondary School at the same time (I don't know why we just didn't finish Primary School at the same time). My only recollection of that time at Newton Park School was winning a Chess tournament and receiving as a prize....a chess book (no wonder I was such a hit with the girls back then)

The year I went to Ayr Academy was the last year before it went Comprehensive. My two older brothers had attended this school before me and were smarter, sportier, better looking and generally cooler than I was in every way possible and the teachers had the decency to point this out to me at every available opportunity.

I remember one day walking round the Boys' playground (Boys and Girls had separate playgrounds) and seeing two older pupils playing a chess game in their heads "Knight to King's Bishop Three".."Oh, great move Clive". That was when I stopped playing chess and started playing three card brag with the smokers in the Boys' Toilets although I did refrain from smoking (you can only take this young rebel bit so far you know)

.....and then there was Susan...she was tall, blonde and way out of my league. She came from Doonfoot and was very posh. To show how posh she was she even pronounced her second name Waugh-Dell rather than Waddle (like a duck does...and yes I mean like a duck waddles not how it pronounces waddle). Anyway she must have admired my nerve as she agreed to go to a party with me at a house overlooking The Low Green at the Ayr seafront. That may well have been the best night of my life, dressed in my new brown corduroy jacket, dancing to Herb Alpert singing This Guy's In Love With You (I can't remember what Susan was doing at the time). I still get tingles whenever I hear that song. It didn't last however. Susan soon caught the eye of some older guy who played stand-off for the First XV and that was the end of me a mere prop for the First Year 'C's

Then when I was 15 my mum and dad decided to move to North-East England. I have previously related the maroon blazer story so I will not repeat it here again suffice to say I had a somewhat inauspicious start to school life south of the border

Life did improve even on that fateful day though when I saw her for the very first time

She was the equivalent of the Prom Queen
She was blonde
She was intelligent
She was sporty
She was gorgeous
She was Lesley Blair (let's call her Lesley to save any unnecessary embarrassment for Linda, sorry Lesley)

To this day I'm still not sure if I took my A-Level subjects of English Literature, French and German for any academic reasons or simply because I knew they were the subjects she was taking (just as well she didn't do Physics-that could have been a problem)

Unfortunately, as with the American movies it was not to be for Lesley and me. She was already an item with the All American Boy (who admittedly was English) He was captain of the football team, ran faster and jumped higher and longer than anyone else in school, was super intelligent and looked like a young Robert Redford in 'The Way We Were'. To make matters worse he was a really good guy and no matter how hard I tried I could only envy him not dislike him

I remember meeting Lesley at a Christmas Party some time later when she was back from Uni. She had found God apparently. I gave it my best shot and told her 'it was more blessed to give than to receive' but that one fell on stony ground. I did manage a Christmas Kiss though and remember being in perfect agreement with Roy Wood as he sang "I Wish it could be Christmas every Day"

At the time I went to school in England it was the fashion (fashion being a relative term in north-east England) to use a form of haversack as a schoolbag and to adorn it with the names of your favourite pop artists or football teams. Deciding that Ayr United might be a bit too 'off the wall' mine had 'DYLAN' proudly emblazoned in heavy letters until it was pointed out to me that one of the girls in our class was nicknamed 'Dylan', I believe because she resembled the character from 'The Magic Roundabout' and me having 'Dylan' on my bag was taken as a symbol of my affection for her rather than Mr Zimmerman. Not a wise move when her boyfriend was a member of the local skinhead gang (ah the skinheads, how fondly I remember my countless jovial encounters with those forward thinking lads--but those stories are for another day). Anyway the word 'BOB' was quickly added to my haversack in letters which dwarfed all others

That school Wolsingham Grammar catered for pupils all up and down the Wear Valley and I remember my dad giving me a lift from our house in Howden-le-Wear to a girl's house in St John's Chapel which was nearly 25 miles up the valley from where we lived. He even went home and came back for me later. Thanks dad, I wish I could say it was worth the 100 mile double-round trip. Actually at that time it probably was

Anyway I am off to do my Physics homework now whilst listening to Herb Alpert

"say you're in love, in love with this guy"....where E is energy, m is mass and c is the speed of light in a vacuum....."if not I'll just die"

I remember always always I got such a fright, seeing them in my dark cupboard with my great big cake

So, yesterday was my birthday. I now have as many years as Heinz have varieties but at my age you stop counting anyway.

I received presents, cards and texts from friends and family but this year I also received my first Happy Birthday Grandad card which was a bit special. Over the years I have been given some excellent Birthday presents including Ayr United Season Tickets from my Mum and Dad when I was young, a trip to the World Cup in Italy from my then wife in 1990 and a watch from my three sons for my 50th which up until yesterday had been my favourite present. However that has now been usurped by the Grandad mug, Grandad fridge magnet and Grandad badges received yesterday from Young Ben. I even wore one of the badges to bed last night which was somewhat painful as I was not wearing any pyjama top, so I felt a bit like Richard Harris in A Man Called Horse

I thought back to some of the birthdays I have had in the past and sporadic memories came flooding back

I remember when.......

I was five and you were six, we rode on horses made of sticks
You wore black and I wore white, you would always win the fight

I was eight years old and running with a dime in my hand
Into the bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man

Fifteen summers and you're trying to tell me just how lonely this world can be

Me and you, we've known each other ever since we were sixteen

She was thirty-one and I was seventeen
I knew nothing about love, she knew everything

We'd hide from the lights on the village green, when I was seventeen

Then I got Mary pregnant and man that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

It came undone, when I was twenty-one

And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three

I'm twenty-three now but will I live to see twenty-four
The way things are goin' I don't know

Well Billy rapped all night about his suicide
How he kick it in the head when he was twenty-five
Speed jive don't want to stay alive
When you're twenty-five

We'd ride in limousines, their chauffeurs would drive
When I was thirty-five

At the age of thirty-seven, I realised I'd never
Ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in my hair

Bells are chiming and tears are falling
It creeps up on you without a warning, forty-five

Sometimes I think about the days back then
But there’s no return in the way-back-when
I loved them all but those days are gone
I turned fifty
So, come on, world, bring it on!

But now the days grow short
I’m in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
from fine old kegs
from the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year

It was a mess of good years

Don't know much about the French I took

The exams results were issued in Scotland this week. Overall, I think Young Ben was fairly pleased. He achieved 'A's in Crawling, Pointing, Throwing, Pulling Grandpa's Hair, Clapping, Maths and Finding Spot and a 'B' in French. He was a bit disappointed in this but I told him he could take French again once he actually learned to read. I think it was his Oral Exam that let him down as his answer to all questions was "Dad" (even 'papa' or 'pere' would have helped him there)

So I thought for this week's Blog I would test you with my School Curriculum Pop Music Quiz. See how you do


MATHEMATICS

1. Fritz, Helga and Nena go to the balloon shop to buy balloons for a party. They buy an assorted box of balloons containing 10 dozen blue and 10 dozen red. Fritz blows up 80 blue balloons and 10 red balloons. Helga blows up 40 blue balloons and 11 red balloons. How many balloons does Nena have to blow up and what colour were they?

2. Number of American soldiers in Vietnam = 553000
Total age of American soldiers in Vietnam = 10507000
Average age of American soldiers in Vietnam = ?

3. good
....good
....bad .................name the song

4. Gene is driving to Tulsa which is 1200 miles away. Allowing for 4 one hour breaks, if he travels at an average speed of 60 miles per hour, how many hours is he from Tulsa

5. According to Manfred Mann what are the next 5 numbers in this sequence
10 9 8 7 6 .. .. .. .. ..

6. The Number of Craig David’s ‘Days’ is equal to the square root of the number of ways Paul Simon has to leave a lover plus the number of days in a Beatles week minus the number of Damien Rice crimes


ZOOLOGY

1. What kind of ‘Feet’ took Mud to no 1 in the UK charts in 1974
2. What kind of ‘Rock’ gave Elton John a no 5 hit in 1972
3. Which band went to no 1 with their debut single ‘I Bet you Look Good on the Dancefloor’ in 2005
4. Who had a no 2 hit with ‘Matthew and Son’ in 1967
5. Which animal did America go ‘through the desert’ with in 1972 reaching no 3 in the UK charts
6. Chas and Dave had a no 8 hit in the UK charts of 1980 with which animal


HISTORY
1. Which notorious character from Russian history gave Boney M a no 2 hit in 1978
2. Which historical battle gave Abba their debut no 1 in 1974
3. Which famous French heroine gave OMD a no 5 hit in 1981
4. Which South African Anti-Apartheid Activist did Peter Gabriel sing about in 1980
5. Which 3 assassinated American Political figures did Marvin Gaye take to no 9 in the charts in 1970
6. Which notorious American 20th Century outlaw duo gave Georgie Fame a no 1 hit in 1967

LITERATURE

1. Which group featuring Lou Reed took their name from a novel by Michael Leigh
2. Which Rock Group formed in the late 60s took their name from a character in the book David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
3. Which famous lovers took Dire Sraits to no 8 in the charts in 1981
4. Which Emily Bronte novel gave Kate Bush a debut no 1 in 1978
5. In which Police song do they mention the writer Nabokov
6. Green Day sang ‘ Who Wrote Holden Caulfield’. In which famous novel is Holden Caulfield the main character

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION

1. This group which takes its name from an Old Testament Book had hits including ‘Follow You Follow Me’ and ‘Turn it on Again’
2. These ‘Rivers’ gave Boney M a no 1 hit in 1978
3. This character from the Bible gave Tom Jones a no 2 hit in 1968
4. This ‘Tree’ was a huge hit album for U2 in 1987
5. REM were suffering this problem in the 1991 charts
6. This second book of The Old Testament gave Bob Marley a no 14 hit in 1977



GEOGRAPHY


1. Which city were Odyssey ‘Native’ to in 1977?
2. Which continent did Toto sing about in 1983?
3. The Beatles were ‘Back’ here in 1976
4. In 1981 this European capital gave Ultravox a no 2 hit
5. Typically Tropical went here in 1975 and had a no 1 hit
6. Crosby Stills & Nash took the ‘Express’ to here in 1969


OK, time's up! Pencils down! Answers next week for anyone who cares

.....after 'while crocodile

So there I was, having paid for my messages and putting the last of my bags in the trolley when the nice check-out lady at Sainsbury's said "See you later". Excellent, I thought, still got it then until I remembered that I don't think I ever actually had it in the first place.

Still Match Of The Day hasn't started yet this season so what else did I have to do on a Saturday night. I rushed home all of a tizzy, took Henry out of the closet (that's my hoover, not any kind of gay companion) and gave the place a once over. I lit some scented candles, dug out my Val Doonican Album to provide some sensual sounds, put my finest bottle of Pomagne in the freezer to chill, opened a tin of pineapples (hopefully it would not only be the man from Del Monte saying yes tonight) and put the succulent gammon steaks on a low heat

But guess what? The check-out chiquita did not turn up. It seems that "See you later" does not actually mean "See you later" unless later is next Saturday when you come shopping again. It just means cheerio, goodbye, adieu, auf wiedersehen, adios or any of the thousands of perfectly good words which don't send you home all of a tizzy.

There are so many words people use in normal conversation these days that really annoy me. I mean some of them literally make my blood boil.

If someone starts a sentence with 'To be honest' does that mean that the rest of the time they are lying their face off (literally) and if they start with 'No offence, but....' you can be fairly certain that there will be some offence

Also after you have purchased several items at a store, why does the cashier ask "Do you need a bag?" Does she really think I belong to the Batonka tribe and that I am going to walk home with a loaf, pint of milk, packet of Frosties, bunch of bananas and a Guardian balanced on my head?

....and there aint nobody gonna tell me just how annoying double negatives are

As I have mentioned before I do watch a great deal of football on TV and the cliches churned out by the so-called experts could fill a book on their own. 'A game of two halves'....yes it is, so go and watch American Football where it is a game of four quarters. 'Decimated by injuries'...does this mean that one tenth of the team has been killed or removed (if so let's hope it's Kyle Lafferty) also is it not quite difficult to kill a tenth of eleven? 'His favourite left foot'.....how many left feet does he have? 'I am not sure he meant that'....oh really? You don't think he was aiming for Row Z in the stand. 'He gave 110%'...no he didn't and my own personal favourite 'The boy done good'...just where to start with that one

Nowadays we are also subjected to Text Speak. I have been brushing up on this as I believe Young Ben will be communicating this way before he is even speaking. So now I am familiar with the likes of OMG and LOL and FYI and somewhat ironically CUL8R. However IMHO this trend is extremely UN4TUN8 and should be avoided at all costs. Personally I will be giving 120% not to use this form of communication

In chip shops in Scotland (I do not know if it is the same in England) when you ask for a SINGLE fish strangely you always get two, so I leave you this week with a little poem stolen from the excellent Ben Lomond Free Press site

“Can I just have a single fish? i.e. just ONE, not TWO?”
This simplest dietary wish, was holding up the queue.
“Am sorry, a single fish is aye two! Are you friggin’ huvvin’ a laugh?
Even if ye huv a simple Fish Supper, ye’re still getting one and a half!”
“But two fish is too much fur me” said Anetta, “The fat joost goes straight tay ma hips.
One and a half wi’ nay batter is better, but I really don’t want any chips”
The queue was soon catching that trouble was hatching.
The hungry man’s patience could not see the joke.
“Oi missis, if this is whit huz yer brain scratching,
buy the single, eat wan, ‘n leave wan in the poke!”
Unflustered, she mustered another suggestion, “Hauf a single?” the strange request came.
“Oh fur God’s sake…Aw right, anythin’ else ya want?”
“Aye! Ma wee brother here, wants the same!”


OK, ranting over for this week, I am off to have gammon steak for my dinner for the second night running. See you later!

You don't believe in war, but what's that gun you're totin'

In light of the horrific incidents which happened in Norway on Friday, I have been unable to work up any enthusiasm to write anything remotely light-hearted this week. Sometimes events happen in this world which are beyond normal comprehension. To me, this is one such event. I cannot understand what has been achieved by these actions.

This was not Afghanistan or Libya or Pakistan or even The USA. This was Norway.

I am at a loss to comprehend such a disregard for life

I have read on the BBC News site that the maximum sentence the suspect can receive by Norwegian Law is 21 years in prison. It appears that justice is indeed blind

They all come out to groove about, be nice and have fun in the sun

So, earlier this week Young Ben and I spent the day at Queen's Park. Swinging on the swings, see-sawing on the see-saw, sliding down the chute, spinning round on the roundabout. It was great fun, although after a while Ben asked if he could have a go rather than just watch me swinging on the swings, see-sawing on the see-saw, sliding down the chute and spinning on the roundabout. Kids nowadays, I don't know.

Playgrounds have certainly changed since I was a boy. The surface of the ground is softer than my mattress at home and if you fall over you virtually bounce back up again. When I was growing up in Ayr I used to go to the swing park at the top of King George V Playing Fields. We used to play a game on the roundabout where one of you dropped something off the side and the other people had to try and pick it up. I recall hanging precariously off the side and eventually 'coming a cropper' (to use a favourite expression of my dad) on several occasions. Unfortunately back then there was no safety covering on the ground. It was good old gravel or concrete, so I would regularly return home with bumps and scrapes as everyone did in those days.

In Glasgow we even play football on ash pitches. It's no wonder we never used to have any good goalies, who would want to dive about on that surface.

In all my times on the swings I never mastered the art of 'looping the loop' where you jump off the swing at a great height and the swing then wraps itself around the top pole. I was never quite agile enough for that and the joy of sitting in a swing and your mates turning it round and round and round and then letting it go so that it unravelled at great speed. Well that just made me feel ill. There was probably a name for that (I mean the swing turning not the me feeling ill) but I cannot recall it just as there was probably a name for when one of you sat on the swing and a mate stood up on the same swing in order to gather extra impetus. Dumb...I think that's what the name for that was

Anyway after we had finished in the play area Young Ben and I wandered round to The Glasshouse for a refreshment. He wanted to give a bit of his ice-pole to Terry The Tarantula in the Reptile House but I managed to convince him that was not such a great idea.

From there we headed up to the flagpole which offers breathtaking views of Glasgow in all directions including clear across the city to The Campsie Fells.

Then we meandered down to the boating pond where grown men sail model boats. Everything was going splendidly until our model Trident submarine sunk The Waverley and The Titanic (makes a change from an iceberg) and we were asked to leave. Ben wants to go back next week and launch our Stuka from a safe distance to see how our intrepid mariners cope with that. I really don't know where he gets it from

We then took turns at throwing our American Football to one another but by the time I had actually 'gone long' Ben had become bored and started chatting to a young lady nearby. I really don't know where he gets it from

On our way out of the park we witnessed a Glasgow phenomenon. Whenever the sun shines in Scotland, and I believe in particular in Glasgow, men are obliged to take off their shirts. This is not reserved to the parks or the beach. Oh no, you walk down Buchanan Street on a sunny day and you will see men in dress trousers with their shirts off. It's not a good look. Some of these guys make Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart look positively bronzed. So in the park we saw what must have been an improvised footie match of 'shirts' vs 'skins' wherein most of the 'skins' were playing in trousers and shoes

At that point Ben decided it was definitely time for home just in case his grandpa was bitten by the 'skins' bug. If that happened he would never be able to show his face in the park again

Anyway that's it for this week. Ben and I are experimenting in the bath to work out if Aquaman will still be able to swim with a torpedo strapped to his back. Look out Sir Francis Drake! We are coming for you!