If I should become a stranger, you know that it would make me more than sad

As I was flicking channels the other night I came across one of those movies that you have to watch regardless as to how much of the movie you have already missed

This particular one was Gregory's Girl, a film which although set in Cumbernauld always manages to warm the very cockles of my  heart every time I watch it

First rate performances from John Gordon Sinclair, Dee Hepburn and Clare Grogan (of Altered Images fame) and outstanding cameos from the likes of Chic Murray as the headmaster ("off you go, you small boys") and Charlie and Andy in their search for girls ("That's not how you spell Caracus anyway. It's c-a-s not c-u-s" "We've been standing here for hours. Why didn't you tell me?")
 Bill Forsyth captures the essence of growing up in Scotland

This made me think of all the other excellent movies which have been set in Scotland. There are the more famous ones such as Braveheart, Highlander (above is a picture of Young Ben auditioning for the latest remake), The Wicker Man and Whisky Galore but today I give you my Top 10 Less Famous Best and Worst Movies set in Scotland

Best

1. Local Hero (1983)......an absolute gem of a movie with a wonderful soundtrack from Mark Knopfler
2. Breaking The Waves (1996)...a tragic tale set in a repressed, deeply religious community in the North of Scotland with a fantastic performance from Emily Watson
3. Small Faces (1996)...the story of three teenage brothers growing up in the 1960s gang culture in Glasgow
4. Comfort and Joy (1984)...Bill Forsyth again as the always excellent Bill Patterson is caught up in a comedic tale of ice cream wars in Glasgow
5. Ratcatcher (1999)...a disturbing depiction of childhood in the Glasgow slums of the 1970s
6. Shallow Grave (1994)...a great modern thriller from Danny Boyle
7. Eye Of The Needle (1981)...Donald Sutherland as a German spy finding refuge on a remote Scottish island
8. Sweet Sixteen (2002)...powerful bittersweet tale of a teenager in Greenock preparing for the release of his mother from prison
9. Dear Frankie (2004)...another one set in Greenock with Gerard Butler showing a softer side to the one he did in '300'
10. Young Adam (2003)...Hollywood superstars Ewan McGregor and Tilda Swinton in a tense movie set on a barge travelling between Glasgow and Edinburgh

Worst

1. Trainspotting (1996)...didn't like the book, didn't like the film. Also didn't like the fact that all the main drug takers were likable characters and the complete psycho of the group, Begbie, was the only one who did not take drugs. But maybe I am just getting old.
2. Neds (2010)...everything that was captured well in Small Faces was sadly missed in this cliche riddled take on gangs in 1970s Glasgow
3. Gregory's Two Girls (1999).....no,no,no,no,no why would you do this
4. A Shot At Glory (2000)....what could possibly have convinced Robert Duvall and Michael Keaton to appear in this. Was it the chance to perform alongside Super Ally ? Current Ayr manager Brian Reid also showed that his acting skills were on a par with his management skills
5. Loch Ness (1996)....Sam from Cheers is in this truly awful movie
6. Rob Roy (1995)..Liam Neeson and Jessica Lange put on their best Scottish accents. Only Tim Roth gets pass marks as the particularly nasty Cunningham but he comes to a 'sticky end' at the hands of our noble hero Rob. Sorry....Spoiler Alert
7. Brigadoon (1954)....Gene Kelly shows how we Scots love to sing and dance Hollywood style
8. The Big Man (1990)...Liam Neeson again as a miner forced into bare-knuckle boxing to make ends meet
9. The Bruce (1996)....well it worked in Braveheart with Wallace played by Mel Gibson, so let's do a movie about our other historical hero Robert the Bruce and have him played by the legend that is Sandy Welch ...(no, me neither)
10. Greyfriars Bobby (1961)....Scotland Disney style. It's just like you would imagine it....if you were visiting EPCOT

That's me. I am off to watch Balamory for accurate portrayals of we Scots.
Bring back Doctor Findlay that's what I say!
“Aye Janet! You’re still a fine looking woman!”
“Oh! Doctor Cameron, no, no..”

And as life travels on and things do go wrong

So, as the weather in Scotland shifted from St Tropez to Siberia in the course of a few days, Young Ben and I were confined to the house last week and I managed to catch up with what had been happening in the life of 'Special Agent Oso'

I have learnt that Oso means bear in Spanish. Those people at Disney are just so clever. Anyway Oso is a stuffed bear who is a trainee agent for U.N.I.Q.U.E. (United Network for Investigating Quite Usual Events) and in each episode he helps a child with an everyday task such as brushing their teeth, gathering leaves or posting a card

Since he is a Special Agent, all the episodes have a James Bond related title like 'From Grandpa With Love', 'You Only Live In Pasadena', 'A View To A Watermelon' or 'Diamonds Are Forever but A Sandwich from Greggs Will Only Last A Day Or Two'

I was hoping they would have one about a baker with a Midas touch and call it 'The Man With The Golden Bun', but I digress. Each adventure shows Oso assisting the child in need with the aid of Three Special Steps given to Oso by the ever-helpful Paw Pilot.

So when Sally wanted to post a card the instructions Oso received were Step 1...Write the address on the envelope...Step 2 ...put a stamp on the envelope....Step 3 ...put the envelope in a mailbox (that's a post box to you and I)

Oso usually has a mishap or two along the way, which then gives him a chance to use his catchphrase "It's all part of the plan....more or less"

Last week Oso had to help a young chap build an Atomic Bomb. So as not to appear in any way stereotypical let's give this young fellow a nondescript generic name like Kim Jong Un. Oso was only to glad to help in an episode called 'Deathfinger'. Paw Pilot gave them their Three Special Steps and off they went
Step 1....Obtain some Uranium
Step 2 ...Arrange the Uranium in two hemispherical shapes
Step 3....Attach a detonator

Anyway they were getting along famously until some other agents came along and offered them a holiday in some nice Bay in Cuba.

I really hope Oso is back next week in time to help Timmy fly a kite

That's all I have this week. I am off to make a cup of tea

Step 1 ...Boil a kettle of water (but only enough for the tea. Remember to save the environment)
Step 2...Put a tea-bag in a mug
Step 3...Pour the boiling water into the mug

Hang on a minute I have used up all my Steps and I have still to take out the tea-bag, add milk, stir my tea and get a biscuit from the cupboard. Oso where are you when I need you?

Bittersweet memories, that is all I am taking with me

As I stood there last Saturday watching my team Ayr United lose 3-1 at home to Partick Thistle and continue sliding inexorably towards relegation, I thought to myself what is it that makes a football supporter pick his team and then stay with them for life.

There are several factors to be considered when analysing this relationship which lasts far  longer than most marriages

How do we choose our team in the first place?

LOCATION......Most true supporters follow their home town club. I grew up in Ayr so that was the team I went to watch

GLORY HUNTERS......the people who follow the 'big' teams because they win trophies. Even back then I knew these existed when I would see buses filled with Rangers or Celtic supporters leave Ayr every Saturday

FAMILY......many people support the team that their dad supported before them. My dad was not a huge football fan but growing up in Glasgow he had always considered himself a Clyde fan. Fortunately this was not passed down.
I also have two older brothers and one of them followed Ayr while the other went in for some minor Glory Hunting by following Kilmarnock. We don't like to speak about that. Everyone makes mistakes and apart from that he was an excellent big brother

However, once you have picked your team, sometimes they 'move the goalposts' . Take a team like the aforementioned Clyde. You become a Clyde fan, like my dad, because you grow up in the vicinity of Shawfield in Glasgow and then some years later they move to Cumbernauld. I have to say here and now if Barcelona were playing every week in Cumbernauld I would still struggle to go there. This is a town which is twinned with Sodom and Gomorrah and let me tell you there are more than a few pillars of salt around Cumbernauld

There are other changes which can occur to your team that leave you wondering, what is it about my team that actually makes it my team

Stadium.......even if your team does not move all the way to a new town, sometimes they move to a new modern stadium. This may sound like a step forward but if you have ever been to the Strathclyde Homes Stadium in Dumbarton and sat in the one stand looking at three empty sides of a ground you would know otherwise. You can cut the atmosphere there with a blunt spoon

Manager .....unless you are a Manchester United supporter then most supporters' mobile phones last longer than their team's managers

Players .....as with Managers these come and go and the good ones always go a lot quicker than the bad ones. There is also a trend by many supporters to boo players who come back to play against their old teams. This has always seemed a bit harsh to me but at Ayr there are fans who would boo a player even if he left us to join Real Madrid. Players who have previously played for your local rivals are also subjected to abuse. I recall watching a Newcastle United v Aston Villa game earlier this season and there were so many ex-Newcastle or ex-Sunderland players in the Villa team that the home fans booed for most of the game.
Good enough for them I say.

Name .....If you were unfortunate enough to be an Airdrieonians fan not only did you move stadium but you also changed names to Airdrie United after going out of business in 2002.
I was at their last game which happened to be at Somerset Park against Ayr. With Ayr leading 1-0 the Airdrie 'fans' invaded the pitch and broke the cross-bar causing the game to be abandoned. 'Leopard' and 'Spots' springs to mind

Not surprisingly my own three sons are all football fans. The two eldest ones are Rangers fans. Growing up in Eaglesham in the 80s/90s that was not a surprising choice for those Glory Hunters. My youngest son used to come to Ayr games with me but then realised there were better things to do with his Saturdays and subsequently went to Uni in Edinburgh and then a career in London just to escape the strong urge to return to Somerset Park.

For me however, the Odyssey continues. I have followed Ayr through the bad times and the bloody awful times and now it looks as if we are going to snatch relegation from the jaws of safety. We are at home to champions-elect Ross County on Wednesday. Two years ago we had a similar fixture against Inverness Caley. We lost 7-0.

There is an old saying "Adversity brings knowledge and knowledge wisdom". All I can say then is that after watching Ayr for so many years just call me Solomon. 

But the melody keeps haunting me, reminding how in love we used to be. Keep hearing the part that used to touch our hearts

There is a show on tour at present which features The Four Tops, The Temptations, The Crystals and Tavares.

Being a huge Motown fan, a few years ago I would have paid a lot of money to see this show but when I researched the current tour I discovered all is not quite as it seems

Of the original Four Tops line-up which gave us such classics as 'Reach Out', 'Walk Away Renee', 'Bernadette' and 'I Can't Help Myself' sadly there is only one original Top still spinning

Abdul "Duke" Fakir is in the current line-up at the age of 76. Sadly the the other three members have passed away. Lawrence Payton in 1997 (his son is a current group member), "Obie" Benson in 2005 and the wonderful Levi Stubbs in 2008

It is a similar story with The Temptations. Of the original line-up only Otis Williams at 70 remains a fairly aging Temptation accompanied now by slightly less alluring new enticements and giving us 2012 renditions of their number 1 hits 'My Girl', 'Just My Imagination' and 'Papa Was A Rollin' Stone'

The other four Temptations are no longer with us. Paul Williams died in 1973, David Ruffin who had solo success with songs like 'Walk Away From Love' in 1975 died in 1991, Eddie Kendricks who had a solo U.S. Number 1 with 'Keep On Truckin' ' in 1973 died in 1992 and Melvyn Franklyn died in 1995

The Crystals who had Top 10 hits in the 60s with the superb 'Then He Kissed Me' and for some strange reason one of my all-time favourites 'Da Doo Ron Ron' had problems with their line-up even in the early days but the current group include founder member Dolores "Dee Dee" Kenniebrew now 66

Looking at the picture for the current line-up "Dee Dee" appears to have aged better than the gentlemen. Perhaps she has some magic Crystal that keeps her young

Tavares seem like boys compared to The Four Tops and The Temptations and the group made up of five brothers is still going strong although I believe one of the brothers has left. I am sure the audience will be bopping away to their disco hits of the 70s...'Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel', 'Don't Take Away The Music' and their version of the  Bee Gees song 'More Than A Woman' which featured in the movie Saturday Night Fever

This made me think about how a group can continue to use the same name despite massive changes to the make-up of the group.

In the early/mid 70s I was a massive fan of 10CC. I still have their first four albums (10CC, Sheet Music, The Original Soundtrack and How Dare You) on vinyl and I saw them in concert at that time. Then in 1976 they split up. As with most break-ups you have to pick a side and I was definitely a Godley/Creme man rather than Gouldman/Stewart who continued as 10CC.

Surely they should then have been known as 5CC. Their output suffered drastically and apart from the excellent 'Dreadlock Holiday' they produced little to match what had gone before. Godley & Creme on the other hand released 'Under Your Thumb', 'Wedding Bells' and 'Cry' all of which compared favourably with previous material in my opinion

They did all reform for a while in 1991 but as Don Henley says "Don't look back, you can never look back". It didn't last and recently Graham Gouldman is the only original member still performing as 10CC, or 2.5CC as they should now be called.

My mate asked me if I wanted to go and see The Hollies on their 50th Anniversary Tour. They still have some members with longevity but no Allan Clarke or Graham Nash. I always found it strange that when The Hollies were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2010 none of the current line-up appeared yet Clarke and Nash turned up to perform 'Bus Stop', 'Carrie Ann' and 'Long Tall Woman (in a Black Dress)'

The success of Graham Nash has always amazed me. How he managed to perform with the talent of Crosby, Stills and Young astounds me. It's like Joey Barton being asked to play midfield for Barca with Xavi, Iniesta and Fabregas. It's just not right!

Anyway I digress. I told my mate that I did not want to see 70 year old men singing 50 year old songs. So we are going to see Frankie Valli instead. Oh What A Night that should be!

How can I get through days when I can't get through hours

I was listening to Smooth Radio the other morning and they were talking about male and female heartthrobs. It was interesting how these have changed over the years from the likes of Newman, McQueen, Welch and Bardot back in the 60s to the 'Twilight' characters of today, who really look as if they should get out more.

Anyway this week I give you my Top 10 Female Stars who have made my heart flutter from afar over the years

1. Jane Fonda........I remember seeing Barbarella in 1968 when I was 14. My life was never the same again. Possibly the greatest ever opening scene to a movie

2. Meg Ryan.......Innerspace, When Harry Met Sally, Top Gun, The Doors and The Presidio were all in a 5 year spell from 86-91 when Meg was in her prime, although when she did Proof of Life in 2000 she still looked sensational. Just ask Mr Crowe

3. Jean Simmons..........the true reason why everyone said "I am Spartacus"

4. Jamie Lee Curtis.....Halloween, Trading Places, Perfect, True Lies, Mother's Boys.....JLC made bad movies worth watching (OK Trading Places was a good movie but she certainly added somethings to it)

5. Diana Rigg.....back to the 60s for Emma Peel in her leather gear in The Avengers. Later she even got to marry James Bond, although it didn't end well

6. Jenny Agutter.....Walkabout, Logan's Run, Walkabout, An American Werewolf In London, Walkabout, The Man In The Iron Mask, Walkabout and then she popped up in one of my favourite recent TV programmes Spooks. Oh and did I mention she was in Walkabout

7. Gillian Anderson.....I was a big fan of The X Files and she was one of the main reasons

8. Courtney Cox.....always preferred Monica to Rachel or Phoebe and she was also in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Brucie's Dancing In The Dark video

9. Poppy Montgomery.....great as Sam Spade in the excellent Without A Trace and is the only reason I watch the truly awful Unforgettable which surely wins the prize for most inaptly named TV series

10. Raquel Welch.....with apologies to Lilly Rush from Cold Case, I had to include Raquel in my list. Famous for her prehistoric bikini in One Million Years B.C. , she was perfectly cast as Lust in Bedazzled and even managed to get both Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart killed in Bandolero

I am going to stop there as I have just thought of several ladies I have left off this list. No doubt you have different choices but as they say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea and I think about leaving the house

Young Ben and I had an eventful day yesterday. I picked him up from his 'Soft Play and Advanced Mathematics' Class and we headed up to Rouken Glen Park

I made the schoolboy error of not preparing a packed lunch for us both so we called in to Boaters Cafe just next to the pond. Apparently it was my turn to pay again. Going out with Ben is just like going out with my mate Ian except obviously Ben's chat is much better.

Anyway, I am not saying the cafe is expensive but the cost of a children's mac and cheese and a toastie means I won't be out for the rest of the week

After we had finished our delicious value-for-money meal we set off on our walk round the pond.

Our first port of call was the waterfall, where we stood on the bridge and launched our Viking longboats (which strangely resembled tree twigs) into the water just above the falls and then rushed to the other side of the bridge to them cascading down into the rapids below. No matter how many times we did this Ben's craft always seemed to be the winner. He obviously has a better eye than I do for an aqua-dynamic twig

We then went to feed the ducks. I had remembered to bring bread for that. If it had not been in my boot for several days we may well have had that for lunch. There were a few ducks and a solitary swan but as soon as we started throwing the bread a flock of birds appeared from nowhere and they were catching the bread in mid-air before it got near the ducks. My bird game is weak but I think they were gulls or swallows or condors. We had to adopt a much lower trajectory to give the ducks any chance.

Once our bread supply was exhausted we continued round the boating pond with Ben having meaningful discussions with every dog he met. There were several mothers with their children in buggies and prams which we met on our way round and I noticed that I seemed to be breaking protocol with my pond circling direction. It made me feel a bit like Billy Hayes in 'Midnight Express'. Not because I had been caught smuggling drugs out of Turkey (we've all done that) but because I was going the wrong way round the pole or in my case duck pond

 

However, it was once we left the park that my day deteriorated sharply. We reached the car and I put Ben in his car seat and proceeded to collapse the buggy to put in the boot. In my defence here I would like to point out that the buggy was collapsed when I put it in my car and every other time I have used it has been from Ben's home so it always left and returned in an upright position. There is a red button on the side of the buggy so logic dictated that this should be pressed and the buggy would collapse. Let me say that logic was not involved in the construction of this contraption. Some severe pressing was done but nothing was happening.

Eventually I asked two young ladies who had exited the park with their children for their assistance. It was not a make they were familiar with and they experienced the same difficulties I had. However, being female and resourceful they called a pram shop in town and had them talk them through the intricacies of folding down this fiendish beast. It turned out there was a catch at the front under the seat and the red button on the side was just to confuse helpless males like myself. I am an expert at helpless. I graduated from Uni with an Honours Degree in Helpless

I thanked these ladies profusely for taking the time and effort to help a grandpa in distress. Needless to say Young Ben spent all this time asleep in his car seat or perhaps he was just pretending to be asleep to avoid personal embarrassment.

It also struck me that perhaps this was another cunning ruse on his part, like the shoes last week, to help me meet ladies. Unfortunately desperation is not a good look on a man when trying to impress the ladies

His mum had a good chuckle at my expense when we met up later. She had been in a class and by the time she received my text the drama had been resolved. I also called Ben's dad for advice but being my son he had graduated with the same Helpless Degree as myself

Next week I think Ben and I will both just walk wherever we are going to avoid any further calamities

I looked in the sky where an elephant's eye was looking at me from a bubblegum tree

S.O.D........Shoe Obsession Disorder. Young Ben and I were in Queen's park last week and took shelter in the excellent Glasshouse when our lovely spring day became a normal Glasgow day with wind and rain.

After partaking of a juice and a toastie we adjourned into the soft play area which is a favourite haunt of the youngster and is also fast becoming one of mine. To play in the central area you have to remove your shoes. All of the children do this and some of the parents, particularly those with very young offspring, also venture in to this area in Sandie Shaw mode.

I have not been so bold as to remove my shoes as yet. At my age taking your shoes off in public is never a wise move so I prefer to play safe and sit on the sidelines whilst Young Ben makes new friends

It was here that I encountered Ben's obsession with shoes. This should not really come as a huge surprise as his mum is not lacking in the shoe choice department. She has not quite reached Imelda Marcos standards but she is certainly doing her best to insure that the children of the Ugg Boots board of directors have a very high standard of education. The fact that she gets a Christmas card from Mr Ugg shows how highly they value her custom

Anyway, I digress. There was I minding my own business when Young Ben presented me with a pair of ladies shoes. This may have been him commenting on my own footwear and trying to improve my look but they were not even my size. It was only after he had done this several times with shoes belonging to adults and children and I returned the shoes to their rightful owners that I realised what a brilliant ploy this was. The youngster's obsession with shoes is part of a cunning plan to find his Grandpa a woman. Already I have an outstanding 'wingman' who charms everyone he meets and allows me to bask in his glory and feed off his scraps and now he is 'breaking the ice' for me as I return the shoes and apologise profusely.

Unfortunately, nearly all the children are accompanied by their mums rather than their grans so this is not quite the godsend it first seemed. We may have to research this further and try a different day when Grannies are out in force. Also, on one occasion he did bring me a pair of adult male shoes. I sent him back with those ones himself.

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Shoe related Songs

1. Blue Suede Shoes........Elvis Presley
2. Goody Two Shoes......Adam Ant
3. Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes......Paul Simon
4. (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes....Elvis Costello
5. New Shoes....Paolo Nutini
6. Boogie Shoes....KC & The Sunshine Band
7. Walk A Mile In My Shoes....Joe South
8. Crocodile Shoes......Jimmy Nail
9. Dancing Shoes.........Arctic Monkeys
10. The Red Shoes......Kate Bush

I decided to make it entirely a shoe list so 'These Boots Were Made For Walking' did not make the list and I refrained from including anything by David Soul.

I am seeing Young Ben tomorrow. Perhaps he will assist me in finding my own 'Silver Lady'.

Hope springs eternal as Mr Pope says.