No matter if fools say we can't win, I know I'll fall in love again

So, as Young Ben and I tucked into our umpteenth chocolate egg earlier today I recalled a recent conversation I had with my youngest son who now lives in London.

He said he had been sitting at his desk on a hot day eating a Twister ice lolly and the taste of the Twister triggered a memory of warm days in Rothesay, in years gone by, eating the same product. This was a new one on me. I have songs that I hear that remind me instantly of a time or a person in my life but the thought of food doing this intrigued me

I tried to recall what tastes made an impression on me when I was young and the earliest recollection I had was from Primary School in Ayr when we used to walk down to the shops at the bottom of Heathfield Road and buy collecting cards sets like Flags Of The World or The American Civil War. Now these sets contained a flat stick of chewing gum which was one of the few forbidden fruits of my childhood. Chewing gum was one of my dad's biggest foibles. He hated the stuff. I think he would have accepted his sons committing Treason, Grand Larceny or even Patricide before seeing them chewing gum, so for years I would buy my cards and put my gum in the bin or swap it with Gordon Smith for the flag of El Salvador

I recall my dad was fond of a 'jeely piece' (which is bread and jam for you folks south of the border). Nothing strange about that I hear you say, but he also liked to have cheese on his 'jeely piece'. Now I cannot honestly say that this taste reminds me of my dad, because I have never had jam on my cheese sandwich

The food that reminds me of my mum is pancakes and syrup. She used to make them for me when I was young, which might help to explain why I am the size I am today but at the time I remember them as being delicious

I have to confess that I am not the most adventurous of Epicureans. I like my steaks well done, actually very well done, actually almost burnt. I know that makes me a bit of a pleb but I don't want my meat to be bleeding or making mooing noises when I cut into it. I want to make sure it is dead

Also I don't eat seafood. The only good things to come out of the sea were Ursula Andress in Dr No and Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. I recall one time in Mallorca with my ex making the almost fatal error of sharing a seafood paella. There were tentacles and all sorts of squidgy little things in there. It was awful. It took several Cervezas that night to wash away the taste

I also recall I was in my twenties before I discovered coleslaw. It was a sunny day in Ayr at my brother's house and his wife had concocted this superb buffet type lunch and there it was. At that time I don't think coleslaw had reached darkest Crook in County Durham. My sister in law was always ahead of the game though. I remember she even served broccoli sometimes instead of beans or peas. I mean, what was that all about?

I also remember when our family was in Australia some years ago staying at a different sister in law we had watermelon straight from the freezer. Frozen watermelon and a cold tinnie on a blistering day in Perth....one of life's great pleasures

I wonder if in years to come Young Ben will be eating a Cadburys Creme Egg and think back to the day he spread one all over his old grandpa's face

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Food Related Songs

1. Strawberry Fields.....The Beatles
2. Rock Lobster..........The B52s
3. Chocolate Girl........Deacon Blue
4. Honey.................Bobby Goldsboro
5. Green Onions..........Booker T. and the MGs
6. Life is a Minestrone..10CC
7. Banana Republic.......The Boomtown Rats
8. One Bad Apple.........The Osmonds
9. Peaches...............The Stranglers
10. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight (sorry dad)....Lonnie Donegan

....and I hope you appreciate how much effort it took not to include Give Peas A Chance by John Lennon

I've played the game but to my real shame, you've left me to grieve all alone

So, I owe Young Ben an apology, or rather, I think Jose Mourinho owes Young Ben an apology. Yesterday I was chatting to the youngster (that's Ben not Jose) and I told him to make sure his mum let him stay up last night to watch El Clasico. For those of you who are not familiar with the term this is the name given to games between Real Madrid and Barcelona, arguably the best club match in the world between two of the most famous sides ever

When I was young Real Madrid were the best side in the world. In 1960 at Hampden Park in Glasgow, Real beat Eintracht Frankfurt 7-3 in what many people believe was the finest football match ever seen. Puskas scored 4 goals and Di Stefano scored 3. This was the way football was supposed to be played. This was what everyone else aspired to. In those early years they won the European Cup 6 times.

In 1967 just two weeks after Celtic won the European Cup they played Real in Madrid in the Alfredo Di Stefano Testimonial. Celtic won 1-0 and the performance of Jimmy Johnstone brought applause from the home crowd, who knew and appreciated a great player when they saw one

After this Real did not win the European Cup again until the late 90's and then came the era of Los Galacticos. They signed players like Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo (the Brazilian one) Raul, Roberto Carlos and David Beckham.

In 2002 they once again won the European Cup (or Champions League as it is now) at Hampden and once again it was special. Zinedine Zidane, probably the finest player I have ever seen play live, scored arguably the best goal ever in a European Final, an exquisite volley which he made look easy and worthy of such a great occasion

I have mentioned before my sons and I saw Real beat Barca 4-2 in 2005 in the best game I have ever seen as a neutral. All of the players mentioned above were involved in that Real team along with Michael Owen

So, fast forward to 2011 and the the first of four El Clasicos last night. In a style alien to all that Real Madrid stand for Mr Mourinho plays a centre half as an extra holding midfielder in a game which he has to win to have any chance of catching Barca in the league. In the end the game finishes 1-1, a result which suits Barca far more than Real and Real's equaliser comes from an extremely dubious penalty

With regards to the forthcoming Champions League semi-finals between the sides, Jose stated in a press conference (in one he actually spoke at) that Real would practice playing with 10 men as his teams always have a man sent off in Barcelona. He failed to mention that in last year's semi-final when he was manager of Inter Milan, Inter scored a goal in the first leg which was suspiciously offside and Barca had a goal disallowed for offside in the second leg which was almost definitely not

I appreciate that Mr Mourinho is an excellent manager but his win at all costs tactics seen previously at Porto and Chelsea do nothing for me. There is an expectation at Madrid to play "The Beautiful Game". For the good of the game and Young Ben I sincerely hope Barca come out on top in the forthcoming matches

ps Special mention and congratulations to friends of our family Ross and Laura on the birth of their baby daughter Gracie earlier this week. If Gracie takes her looks, charm, brains and personality from her mum and her bad chat from her dad she will go far in the world and break a few hearts along the way, just as long as Young Ben is not one of them

he flits from shop to shop just like a butterfly, in matters of the cloth he is as fickle as can be

So, as I looked at Young Ben in all his sartorial elegance on the cover of the latest edition of Junior Vogue I recalled a fashion related incident involving my late father

I was ordering a drink for my dad and myself (he had an allergy to buying a round) in a local watering hole of the time, but one which I normally frequented alone
"Who is the whisky for?" asked Sandra behind the bar
"My dad, he's in the snug"
"I've never met your dad before. What is he wearing?"
Not exactly the most difficult of questions or one requiring the loss of a lifeline by phoning a friend
"Jacket and trousers, with a shirt and tie" A safe bet as my dad never ventured out of the house without a shirt and tie, even for a pint of milk or a trip to the laundry
"What colour of jacket?"
"Darkish" I said hopefully, not realising the Spanish Inquisition had opened a pub in the West End of Glasgow
"You are so not a girl, Ron" she announced somewhat stating the obvious, but I knew what she meant

Women notice what other people are wearing. They compare other women's clothing to their own and they also notice what men are wearing . They even notice colours and accessories

Most men might notice a woman in a short skirt or tight trousers but five minutes later it's doubtful they will remember what colour it was and men rarely notice what other men are wearing. Basically I think it's because we just don't really care. Given that we only have a limited mental capacity and brief attention span and we have to find room for the important matters in life like football, females and whose round it is, worrying about the apparel of another chap would take up valuable space best left for more pressing matters

There are however exceptions to the rule. My eldest brother who made his fortune in the fashion industry always notices what other people wear...male or female...he always has.

Years ago when when we were just starting up in the Retail Business and we would go for a drink after work he would notice the shoes and bags girls were wearing "Look! They are our shoes" he would announce proudly staring at the feet of a stunning girl whilst I was gazing at a completely different part of her anatomy. "PR7621 Cerise, look like a size 4" He also had the annoying knack of knowing the till code to every item he sold. "And that's one of our bags...DP3068 Mustard"

Obviously it was not the same girl. Even I had enough fashion sense to know that cerise and mustard just don't go together.

Quite often we nearly ended up with a sore face on a night out. "No, honestly mate we were just looking at your girlfriend's shoes" Heard it!

He also had strong opinions on ties. "You cannot buy a decent tie for under £30" he would say putting my Homer Simpson Xmas tie firmly in its place

Anyway ladies I digress. Next time you come home from a night out with friends, see if you can remember what they were wearing and then try the same question on your partner

And my dad?

He was wearing a dark brown tweed jacket with cream trousers and a white shirt with a tie which cost considerably less than £30

the sun shines east, the sun shines west, I know where the sun shines best

So, on this Mother's Day Young Ben is flying off to Tenerife with his mum and dad leaving his poor old grandpa feeling like Macaulay Culkin.

It seems only right then that on this day I say something about my own mum. My mum died in 1987 when she was only in her sixties. My dad lived for a further 20 years but he was never really the same person after my mum died. Given that she had three sons she was the only female in a house full of men but she revelled in this situation and would always join in any activities that were going on, always taking great pleasure if she managed to beat my dad at any game or sport

When I was 16 we moved from Ayr to Crook in County Durham and by this time my two older brothers had left home. I remember turning up for my first day at Wolsingham Grammar School with a fear worse than my first day at Primary School. There was I, a spotty, long haired Scots boy wearing my maroon Ayr Academy blazer. Unfortunately Wolsingham blazers were black.In later years the friends I made down there would remind me of the banter that day..."Which one is the new boy?"..."That's him standing alone at the other end of the playground with the maroon blazer on" I might as well have had a large neon sign suspended above my head reading "Spot the new boy". When I told my mum this story after school on that first day we went straight to the shops and bought a black blazer. It may well have been the best purchase my mum ever made for me.At the time it saved my life and my dignity

My mum operated an "open house" policy for my friends and I in England and was always happy to see friends visit our home. She was not the best cook in the world but she had a wonderful knack of creating something out of very little. I cannot count the times I would arrive home with an unannounced number of friends with me and she would always manage to rustle up some kind of feast. This made our house a popular meeting place and I believe it made her very happy

When we lived in England at first we would often drive back up to Scotland for the weekend to visit family. This was a drive which lasted less than three hours but regardless my mum always prepared sandwiches and a flask of tea and half way up the road we would stop for a break. She would even bring my dad his slippers and they would sit there munching away, reading the paper for a good half hour. As a teenager this used to drive me crazy, but now as I fondly look back....no, who am I kidding it still drives me crazy, it feels like I spent half my life sitting in lay-bys on the A74 (it wasn't even an M in those days)

When I first started work in England I was still living at home and every week I would give my mum the princely sum of £5. I am sure by the end of most weeks I had received at least double that amount back from her but I think it was the principle that mattered to her

I have carried the morals and principles learnt from my mum and dad with me my whole life and hopefully passed these on to my own children meaning Young Ben should benefit from the same. I believe I have a reputation for being good natured with an easy disposition. If this is so I know that these traits definitely come from my mum and my thoughts are of her today as they are everyday