How can I get through days when I can't get through hours

I was listening to Smooth Radio the other morning and they were talking about male and female heartthrobs. It was interesting how these have changed over the years from the likes of Newman, McQueen, Welch and Bardot back in the 60s to the 'Twilight' characters of today, who really look as if they should get out more.

Anyway this week I give you my Top 10 Female Stars who have made my heart flutter from afar over the years

1. Jane Fonda........I remember seeing Barbarella in 1968 when I was 14. My life was never the same again. Possibly the greatest ever opening scene to a movie

2. Meg Ryan.......Innerspace, When Harry Met Sally, Top Gun, The Doors and The Presidio were all in a 5 year spell from 86-91 when Meg was in her prime, although when she did Proof of Life in 2000 she still looked sensational. Just ask Mr Crowe

3. Jean Simmons..........the true reason why everyone said "I am Spartacus"

4. Jamie Lee Curtis.....Halloween, Trading Places, Perfect, True Lies, Mother's Boys.....JLC made bad movies worth watching (OK Trading Places was a good movie but she certainly added somethings to it)

5. Diana Rigg.....back to the 60s for Emma Peel in her leather gear in The Avengers. Later she even got to marry James Bond, although it didn't end well

6. Jenny Agutter.....Walkabout, Logan's Run, Walkabout, An American Werewolf In London, Walkabout, The Man In The Iron Mask, Walkabout and then she popped up in one of my favourite recent TV programmes Spooks. Oh and did I mention she was in Walkabout

7. Gillian Anderson.....I was a big fan of The X Files and she was one of the main reasons

8. Courtney Cox.....always preferred Monica to Rachel or Phoebe and she was also in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Brucie's Dancing In The Dark video

9. Poppy Montgomery.....great as Sam Spade in the excellent Without A Trace and is the only reason I watch the truly awful Unforgettable which surely wins the prize for most inaptly named TV series

10. Raquel Welch.....with apologies to Lilly Rush from Cold Case, I had to include Raquel in my list. Famous for her prehistoric bikini in One Million Years B.C. , she was perfectly cast as Lust in Bedazzled and even managed to get both Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart killed in Bandolero

I am going to stop there as I have just thought of several ladies I have left off this list. No doubt you have different choices but as they say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea and I think about leaving the house

Young Ben and I had an eventful day yesterday. I picked him up from his 'Soft Play and Advanced Mathematics' Class and we headed up to Rouken Glen Park

I made the schoolboy error of not preparing a packed lunch for us both so we called in to Boaters Cafe just next to the pond. Apparently it was my turn to pay again. Going out with Ben is just like going out with my mate Ian except obviously Ben's chat is much better.

Anyway, I am not saying the cafe is expensive but the cost of a children's mac and cheese and a toastie means I won't be out for the rest of the week

After we had finished our delicious value-for-money meal we set off on our walk round the pond.

Our first port of call was the waterfall, where we stood on the bridge and launched our Viking longboats (which strangely resembled tree twigs) into the water just above the falls and then rushed to the other side of the bridge to them cascading down into the rapids below. No matter how many times we did this Ben's craft always seemed to be the winner. He obviously has a better eye than I do for an aqua-dynamic twig

We then went to feed the ducks. I had remembered to bring bread for that. If it had not been in my boot for several days we may well have had that for lunch. There were a few ducks and a solitary swan but as soon as we started throwing the bread a flock of birds appeared from nowhere and they were catching the bread in mid-air before it got near the ducks. My bird game is weak but I think they were gulls or swallows or condors. We had to adopt a much lower trajectory to give the ducks any chance.

Once our bread supply was exhausted we continued round the boating pond with Ben having meaningful discussions with every dog he met. There were several mothers with their children in buggies and prams which we met on our way round and I noticed that I seemed to be breaking protocol with my pond circling direction. It made me feel a bit like Billy Hayes in 'Midnight Express'. Not because I had been caught smuggling drugs out of Turkey (we've all done that) but because I was going the wrong way round the pole or in my case duck pond

 

However, it was once we left the park that my day deteriorated sharply. We reached the car and I put Ben in his car seat and proceeded to collapse the buggy to put in the boot. In my defence here I would like to point out that the buggy was collapsed when I put it in my car and every other time I have used it has been from Ben's home so it always left and returned in an upright position. There is a red button on the side of the buggy so logic dictated that this should be pressed and the buggy would collapse. Let me say that logic was not involved in the construction of this contraption. Some severe pressing was done but nothing was happening.

Eventually I asked two young ladies who had exited the park with their children for their assistance. It was not a make they were familiar with and they experienced the same difficulties I had. However, being female and resourceful they called a pram shop in town and had them talk them through the intricacies of folding down this fiendish beast. It turned out there was a catch at the front under the seat and the red button on the side was just to confuse helpless males like myself. I am an expert at helpless. I graduated from Uni with an Honours Degree in Helpless

I thanked these ladies profusely for taking the time and effort to help a grandpa in distress. Needless to say Young Ben spent all this time asleep in his car seat or perhaps he was just pretending to be asleep to avoid personal embarrassment.

It also struck me that perhaps this was another cunning ruse on his part, like the shoes last week, to help me meet ladies. Unfortunately desperation is not a good look on a man when trying to impress the ladies

His mum had a good chuckle at my expense when we met up later. She had been in a class and by the time she received my text the drama had been resolved. I also called Ben's dad for advice but being my son he had graduated with the same Helpless Degree as myself

Next week I think Ben and I will both just walk wherever we are going to avoid any further calamities

I looked in the sky where an elephant's eye was looking at me from a bubblegum tree

S.O.D........Shoe Obsession Disorder. Young Ben and I were in Queen's park last week and took shelter in the excellent Glasshouse when our lovely spring day became a normal Glasgow day with wind and rain.

After partaking of a juice and a toastie we adjourned into the soft play area which is a favourite haunt of the youngster and is also fast becoming one of mine. To play in the central area you have to remove your shoes. All of the children do this and some of the parents, particularly those with very young offspring, also venture in to this area in Sandie Shaw mode.

I have not been so bold as to remove my shoes as yet. At my age taking your shoes off in public is never a wise move so I prefer to play safe and sit on the sidelines whilst Young Ben makes new friends

It was here that I encountered Ben's obsession with shoes. This should not really come as a huge surprise as his mum is not lacking in the shoe choice department. She has not quite reached Imelda Marcos standards but she is certainly doing her best to insure that the children of the Ugg Boots board of directors have a very high standard of education. The fact that she gets a Christmas card from Mr Ugg shows how highly they value her custom

Anyway, I digress. There was I minding my own business when Young Ben presented me with a pair of ladies shoes. This may have been him commenting on my own footwear and trying to improve my look but they were not even my size. It was only after he had done this several times with shoes belonging to adults and children and I returned the shoes to their rightful owners that I realised what a brilliant ploy this was. The youngster's obsession with shoes is part of a cunning plan to find his Grandpa a woman. Already I have an outstanding 'wingman' who charms everyone he meets and allows me to bask in his glory and feed off his scraps and now he is 'breaking the ice' for me as I return the shoes and apologise profusely.

Unfortunately, nearly all the children are accompanied by their mums rather than their grans so this is not quite the godsend it first seemed. We may have to research this further and try a different day when Grannies are out in force. Also, on one occasion he did bring me a pair of adult male shoes. I sent him back with those ones himself.

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Shoe related Songs

1. Blue Suede Shoes........Elvis Presley
2. Goody Two Shoes......Adam Ant
3. Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes......Paul Simon
4. (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes....Elvis Costello
5. New Shoes....Paolo Nutini
6. Boogie Shoes....KC & The Sunshine Band
7. Walk A Mile In My Shoes....Joe South
8. Crocodile Shoes......Jimmy Nail
9. Dancing Shoes.........Arctic Monkeys
10. The Red Shoes......Kate Bush

I decided to make it entirely a shoe list so 'These Boots Were Made For Walking' did not make the list and I refrained from including anything by David Soul.

I am seeing Young Ben tomorrow. Perhaps he will assist me in finding my own 'Silver Lady'.

Hope springs eternal as Mr Pope says.

On the plains of Jordan I cut my bow from the wood of this tree of evil, of this tree of good, I want a kiss from your lips, I want an eye for an eye ......

It was somewhat ironic (in an Alanis Morissette non-ironic kind of way) that in the week that my recollections reached their final decade  Davey Jones of The Monkees passed away bringing us back full circle to the 60s

I always liked The Monkees and thought they had more talent than they were given credit for. Davey will be sadly missed but I think he will be OK. Apparently he was a believer

So, finally we reach the 2000s, a decade which seems to have been dominated by terrorism but which ended on a personal high for myself

Here are my lists for 2000s

World Events

1. The attack on the Twin Towers in September 2001. An event which shocked the entire world
2. The London Bombings of July 2005 brought this new terrorism to our shores on a major scale
3. The attack on Glasgow Airport in June 2007. A poor choice. In Glasgow we have baggage handlers who take on terrorists
4. The Tsunami of 26 December 2004. A natural disaster of unparalleled magnitude which left over 230,000 people dead or missing in Southeast Asia
5. Hurricane Katrina in 2005 caused havoc and destruction in Southern USA and brought out the very best and the very worst from the American People and Government

Sporting Icons

1. Usain Bolt....at the 2008 Olympics he won Gold at 100M, 200M and the 4x100Metres Relay setting World Records for all three in doing so.
2. Steven Redgrave....won his 5th consecutive Gold Medal at the 2000 Olympics and actually rowed farther and longer than Ben-Hur
3. Lionel Messi....simply a footballing genius
4. Tom Brady....winner of 3 Super Bowls with The New England Patriots, media superstar and married to a Supermodel. Life is pretty good for Tom but will not be calling any sons he has Eli.
5. Michael Phelps...the American swimmer who won 8 Gold Medals at the 2008 Olympics with all but one of his winning swims setting new World Records

Movies

1. Gladiator (2000)
   " My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."
2. No Country For Old Men (2007)....excellent portrayal of an excellent book
3. City Of God (20020....epic tale of two boys growing up in a violent neighbourhood in Rio de Janeiro
4. Mystic River (2003)....Clint Eastwood's gripping tale set in Boston with Sean Penn winning a Best Actor Oscar and the always reliable Tim Robbins winning Best Supporting Actor Oscar
5. Man On Fire (2004)....Denzel Washington takes no prisoners in his attempts to rescue kidnapped Dakota Fanning

Music

1. Amie...Damien Rice (2002) from the wonderful album 'O' , one of the few new albums I bought in the 2000s
2. It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry....Glasvegas (2008)...outstanding lyrics sung with a Glasgow accent. Brilliant!
3. Mr Brightside...The Killers (2004).....one of the few artists I saw live in the 2000s and this is my favourite song of theirs
4. Could Well Be In ....The Streets (2004)
    "I saw this thing on ITV the other week,
     Said, that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen
     She's playing with her hair, well regularly,
     So I reckon I could well be in"
5. Cold Wind...Arcade Fire (2005)...haunting song used in the final scenes of the excellent TV series 'Six Feet Under'

Personal Events

1. Going to San Francisco in 2004. It took me until I was fifty before I finally made it to the city by the bay. It was more than worth the wait (I know the photo says 2002 but I never could work the date in that camera)
2. In 2006 my mate and I spent a week in Finland visiting his son who was studying there. A very strange country full of very strange people but that did not stop us from having a great time
3. My dad died in 2007. I still miss him and find myself talking to him most days
4. Became unemployed in 2008 for the first time since I left school in 1973
5. Became a grandfather on 6 October 2010. I know this is strictly speaking outside the timeline but I wanted to finish on a high and this was the ultimate high. Young Ben has since provided many more and hopefully will continue to do so for a few years yet.


That ends my not so brief history. Back to the real world next week