'Unexpected item in bagging area'...yes, I suppose you could call a seven month old baby an unexpected item but it did seem a tad presumptuous to me. Young Ben and I were in Sainsburys last week picking up a few essential items and decided to use the self-checkout system. The nice lady inside the machine was keeping us right as we scanned our items
...Beep...'Organic carrots, Really? Remember to put them in the brown bin when you find them in your fridge unopened next week'
...Beep....' Sainsburys Wine Gums 500g. Another Saturday night in watching Match of the Day, is it?'
...Beep...'The Guardian. Oh get you! You do know there are no Page Three Girls in The Guardian I assume?'
...Beep...'Flora Light. Don't you think it's a bit late for that?'
...Beep...'Sainsburys Leaf Salad. No, please, stop! You are going to blow my circuits'
I didn't realise machines could laugh but apparently so. I decided this was enough and just wanted to pay and go
'Have you swiped your Nectar Card?'
'Did you remember to take your pills this morning?'
' Select payment type'
' Sorry we do not accept Monopoly money'
' What a cute baby. He must take his looks from his mother's side'
....and then when I tried to put my free Glaswegian newspaper in one of my carrier bags, all hell broke loose. Sirens sounded, Shutters came crashing down, SWAT teams appeared from nowhere....'Customer assistance required. Check under his jumper as well. It looks a bit bulky'...no sorry that's just me, maybe I should put the Wine Gums back.
All in all a fairly traumatic episode although Ben loved all the excitement. It did strike me though that in our daily life we are experiencing less and less social interaction (if you don't count the SWAT team).
You can now do your shopping without talking to anyone, you can order anything you need on-line and even on the telephone it is often a machine at the other end of the line, even when they call you.
Even when travelling in your car, you no longer have to stop and ask directions or take the trouble to look at a map, you have good old Sat Nav.
I used to have a Sat Nav in my car but she left me for Cain. Good luck telling him he has reached his destination.
The other day whilst driving Talking Heads were on the radio singing 'We're on the road to nowhere' when my new Sat Nav with celebrity voice overs cut in and the wonderful Doc Brown told me ' Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads' . Yes, you guessed it, I was heading for Cowdenbeath
Slightly more worrying was when Dennis Hopper came on and stated ' Pop Quiz hotshot. There's a bomb in your car. Once your car goes 50mph the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?' Fortunately I was on the M8 heading for Kingston Bridge so there was no danger of me ever reaching 50mph. I had to ignore Mr Cruise when he cut in to advise 'I feel the need. The need for speed'...not today Tom, not today.
But when you hear Maggie Thatcher telling you 'At the next opportunity make a U-turn' you know it's time to switch off your Sat Nav and go back to trying to keep cartographers in a job.
...Beep...'Organic carrots, Really? Remember to put them in the brown bin when you find them in your fridge unopened next week'
...Beep....' Sainsburys Wine Gums 500g. Another Saturday night in watching Match of the Day, is it?'
...Beep...'The Guardian. Oh get you! You do know there are no Page Three Girls in The Guardian I assume?'
...Beep...'Flora Light. Don't you think it's a bit late for that?'
...Beep...'Sainsburys Leaf Salad. No, please, stop! You are going to blow my circuits'
I didn't realise machines could laugh but apparently so. I decided this was enough and just wanted to pay and go
'Have you swiped your Nectar Card?'
'Did you remember to take your pills this morning?'
' Select payment type'
' Sorry we do not accept Monopoly money'
' What a cute baby. He must take his looks from his mother's side'
....and then when I tried to put my free Glaswegian newspaper in one of my carrier bags, all hell broke loose. Sirens sounded, Shutters came crashing down, SWAT teams appeared from nowhere....'Customer assistance required. Check under his jumper as well. It looks a bit bulky'...no sorry that's just me, maybe I should put the Wine Gums back.
All in all a fairly traumatic episode although Ben loved all the excitement. It did strike me though that in our daily life we are experiencing less and less social interaction (if you don't count the SWAT team).
You can now do your shopping without talking to anyone, you can order anything you need on-line and even on the telephone it is often a machine at the other end of the line, even when they call you.
Even when travelling in your car, you no longer have to stop and ask directions or take the trouble to look at a map, you have good old Sat Nav.
I used to have a Sat Nav in my car but she left me for Cain. Good luck telling him he has reached his destination.
The other day whilst driving Talking Heads were on the radio singing 'We're on the road to nowhere' when my new Sat Nav with celebrity voice overs cut in and the wonderful Doc Brown told me ' Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads' . Yes, you guessed it, I was heading for Cowdenbeath
Slightly more worrying was when Dennis Hopper came on and stated ' Pop Quiz hotshot. There's a bomb in your car. Once your car goes 50mph the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?' Fortunately I was on the M8 heading for Kingston Bridge so there was no danger of me ever reaching 50mph. I had to ignore Mr Cruise when he cut in to advise 'I feel the need. The need for speed'...not today Tom, not today.
But when you hear Maggie Thatcher telling you 'At the next opportunity make a U-turn' you know it's time to switch off your Sat Nav and go back to trying to keep cartographers in a job.
Anyway, I need to let Ben on the computer now so he can order us tickets for the movie Rio. He knows if I do it we could end up spending an evening with the Manchester United centre half.
Ah, the joys of technology
Very funny. I don't get the Cain bit though I liked the Cowdenbeath reference. I had a laugh with the Autocheckout Lady at B&Q when I was buying four unfeasibly heavy bags of bark which I had almost herniaed myself getting on the trolley. She kept saying "Heavy Item - please leave in trolley" No manure Mr Holmes.
ReplyDeleteI spent over 30 years working as a software developer and project manager. The change in that time is reflected in how even the name evolved, from Computer Department to Data Prep, Computer Systems, Systems & Programming, MIS, IS, IT and ITC. I have probably missed a few, as much due to insouciance as to senility. Given that the primary objective of computerisation is speed, I look back somewhat ruefully at the time I spent waiting for something to happen, while some wretched box sat flashing its lights and sniggering to itself.
ReplyDeleteMay I urge you never to forget the 5 Laws of Computing:
1. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
2. Anything that cannot go wrong will also go wrong.
3. When something goes wrong it will be at the point of maximum disruption.
4. Hardware always sides with the unexpected flaw.
5. Everything expands to fill all available space.
You should also be aware that 5. is not unique to computers. It applies equally to any form of warehousing, to book-shelves, drawers and cupboards and, especially, anything relating to Ladies' Shoes.