All the days and nights that we know will be, I will stay with you will you stay with me, just one single tear in each passing year

I have the misfortune to be following  “The Following” on TV. I really should stop watching but I feel a bit like Magnus Magnusson..I’ve started so I’ll finish.

It started off OK and seemed to have a fair amount of promise with a clever storyline and some decent main characters but it has quickly descended into farce. When you sit down to watch it you have to leave all reason and logic in another room

I present here a viewer’s aid to getting through ‘The Following’. If you are still watching it, I feel your pain. If you are not watching it ‘The Following’ list (sorry) will mean nothing to you and you have really dodged a bullet, or at least are wearing an FBI bullet-proof vest (see point 4)

1. Anyone who remotely looks as if they could be a baddie…is a baddie…..best nanny in the world, gay guys next door, security guard, rural policewoman with too big a part, David Cameron, woman behind you in the supermarket queue….they are all baddies
2. The Law Enforcement Services are all totally incompetent….surround a house with a SWAT team but still allow the nanny to sneak out the back with kidnapped child, lose evil psychopath’s wife when she goes to the toilet, rescue same wife from basement with large assault force but allow ‘follower’ to escape up a back stair…I could go on and on
3. Psychotic serial killer Joe Carroll orchestrates all the mayhem from his prison cell but no-one seems to bother noticing how many people come to see him or what evil plans they may be discussing. I mean to say, he has more visitors than Madame Tussuad's
4. Not all bullet-proof vests are created equal. If you are one of the lead characters wearing an FBI vest then you will be shot in the chest not in the head and will be OK when somebody gives you a shake. If you are a random SWAT guy then you might as well not wear a vest. It is not going to save you from being killed by ‘baddies’ dressed as other SWAT guys
5. Carroll is obsessed with the works of Edgar Allan Poe, so a bit like a Superbowl appearance, expect an upsurge in the sales of Edgar Allan Poe’s Greatest Hits and a new TV Game Show based on The Pit and the Pendulum
6. Lead good guy played by Kevin Bacon has Gerry Marsden’s backing band fitted to his heart so in virtually every episode he will suffer excruciating pain when this is interfered with by magnets, taser gun, digital radio, toaster, Buzz Lightyear…basically whatever is handy
7. Kevin Bacon’s FBI sidekick is played by Shawn Ashmore. I thought he was also Jimmy Olsen in Smallville but discovered that part was played by his twin Aaron who strangely looks a bit like him. Lucky escape Aaron
8. The three characters (Emma, Paul and Jacob) who kidnap Carroll’s son Joey have a strange relationship. Paul and Jacob pretended to be gay next door neighbours to Joey’s mum and Emma was Joey’s nanny. Once they are all together we discover that Paul fancies Jacob but also has a bit of a thing for Emma, Jacob fancies Emma but also has a bit of a thing for Jacob and Emma fancies anyone but her real passion is stabbing people
9. The aforementioned Joey is the 10 year old son of a genius serial killer but is himself thick as mince. His nanny whisks him off to a secret hideaway and won’t let him phone his mum and her pals like shooting Law Enforcement Officers but hey she reads him a nice story at bedtime and she is fairly cute with the whole short hair thing going on so let’s just stick with her. 
10. There is an episode where the poem ‘The Raven’ is referenced. Remember this is a high brow show so this is purely referring to the Edgar Allan Poe poem and has nothing to do with The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode. As yet neither Bart nor Homer have appeared in ‘The Following’ but if they do, remember, they will be baddies
11. The lead FBI agent who is a tough talking female and involves Kevin Bacon in the pilot episode is played by Jeananne Goosen. By the time episode 2 comes around she has been binned and her place has been taken by a new tough talking female FBI agent
12. The new tough talking female lead FBI agent is played by Annie Parisse. It transpires that she was raised in a cult. It’s always good to have a cult involved somewhere. They bring so much variety to the table
13. If for some reason you do not have Sky+ and have to sit though a commercial break while watching the show and you come across Kevin Bacon in an advert for 4G remember this is just a clever marketing ploy and has nothing to do with the show, although the guy who sells him a hot dog is probably a baddie
14. If you are not a fan of ‘flashbacks’ this show is definitely not going to work for you. They absolutely love a flashback. If your character is not involved in a flashback at some point in the show then you have a very small part and should talk to your agent
15. Carroll’s wife is played by the delightful Natalie Zea. Now Natalie is a very attractive lady but her track record is not good. She has been involved with Nick in ‘Dirty Sexy Money’, Raylan in ‘Justified’ and Hank in ‘Californication’ so she does seem to have a problem in picking a dependable guy. I am sure it will end well for her and Kevin in this show though
16. If you are a ‘follower’ you are almost certain to die at some point during the series. You may even resort to taking your own life by chewing bandages. New one on me that one I have to say
17. If you are one of the main good guys you will be nearly killed each week. Unless of course that is unless you are the token black FBI agent in which case you will die when you are left to look after the wife of a ‘follower’ on your own and she turns out to be a ‘follower’ too. I believe he and his FBI chums were the only ones who did not see that one coming
18. If you are kidnapped by one of the trio in point 8 and held hostage in the basement of a remote farmhouse, just keep quiet, don’t eat and don’t go to the toilet, they will forget about you for long periods of time and eventually Kevin Bacon will rescue you
19. If at any point in your life you have to hire a lawyer, check first that they have all their fingers. If not then they have probably been involved with a psychotic serial killer and should certainly be avoided
20. In this week’s episode there is talk of moving Joe Carroll to an alternative secure unit. Now surely nothing could go wrong during his transportation. It’s not as if he has ‘Followers’ in every walk of life out there. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to watch it and see!

I have the feeling that ‘The Following’ may not make it to a second series so today I leave you with 5 series I wasted my life watching only to see them ‘binned’ after one series

1. Criminal Minds Suspect Behaviour…….should never have been made in the first place. I love Criminal Minds but this spin-off was truly awful
2. The Nine….series about the lives of people caught up in a bank raid. I think that The Nine may have been the number of people watching it
3. Pushing Daisies….quirky comedy with the delightful Anna Friel…deserved a better fate
4. Journeyman..Kevin McKidd involved in random bouts of time travelling. Even being set in San Francisco did not save it
5. Vanished…..very aptly named series about the disappearance of a senator’s wife…did not even make it to the end of the first series…it just…well..vanished

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Oh it’s OK it’s only the postman. I think it could be that FBI bullet-proof vest I was waiting for. Wait a minute he’s not my usual postman. He looks like he could be a ‘follower’ and what’s that large black bird perched on his shoulder?

See you next week…..hopefully!