I got fire in my mind, I got higher in my walkin' and I'm glowin' in the dark I give you warnin'

I really need to be having a serious word with my good mate John Travolta. JT and I were born in the same year and all through our lives he has been like The Talented Mr Ripley with me (except for the whole killing part)

I really do not know why he does it. I have always offered him sound advice and tried to help him with his career.

As far back as 1976 I told him the whole bucket of blood over Carrie's head gag would not end well but he just would not listen

Then a year later on one of his visits to Glasgow we went to the dancing in Victoria's and there was I throwing some shapes on the dance floor with my new white suit on. The rest is history. Why they set Saturday Night Fever in New York rather than Glasgow I am not sure. I guess falling off the Kingston Bridge would not have looked quite the same

And as for those chills in 1978, I had them mutiplyin' long before he was anywhere near Olivia Neutron Bomb but I just didn't suit the greased back hair look

But in 1988 he really took the biscuit. I remember telling him about this girl I had seen playing Arnie's girlfriend in Twins and how I was smitten with her and was definitely going to give her a call. Imagine my surprise then when I read in the Society pages of my Scientology Weekly about the impending marriage of John Travolta and Kelly Preston. That really hurt.

We didn't speak for a while after that which is probably why he did Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too. That just made me feel guilty so eventually I gave him a call and we started talking again (I could not take the chance of him making a third one of those awful movies)

But he had not changed and not long after I had told him about a trip of mine to Amsterdam, there he was with Samuel L. just shooting the breeze and using all of my Grade A chat and let me tell you JT has never had mayonnaise on his french fries. He didn't even have the decency to introduce me to Samuel L.

Then in 1997 I was recounting a tale of one time when my mate Ian and I had got so drunk that we decided it would be a good laugh if we just swapped faces and soon after what do you know there's JT and Nic Cage in Face/Off (my that was a confusing movie... JT acting like Nic Cage, Nic Cage acting like JT...what's not to like)

In 2007 when JT told me about Wild Hogs well I just laughed out loud. Unfortunately that experience was not repeated when I sat through the movie. That's 100 minutes of my life just wasted and I'll never get those 100 minutes back

Finally I arrive at the reason for this diatribe. Last week the lovely Kelly gave birth to a baby son and JT and Kelly have decided to call him Ben. Is there no end to this man's shame? Is nothing safe from him? Will he soon be buying my beloved Ayr United and relocating them to Wyoming (please John please). I have already bought my Christmas present for JT, I just hope this green cheese does not go even more off in the post

However, I do have to offer my congratulations to JT for becoming a father again at 56,and that has put ideas in my own head. Perhaps Young Ben would like an uncle that was actually younger than he is. Now where did I put that phone number for Meg Ryan?


ps Next Saturday 4th December is the 30th birthday of my eldest son (Ben's Uncle Den). It seems like only yesterday he was scoring a hat-trick against the 118th or we were watching Nick Faldo win The Open at Muirfield or he was learning to ride his bike (wait a minute that last one was only yesterday). Let me tell you Ben, you have a very special uncle there, he will never let you down. Take good care of him.

If the sky above you should turn black and full of clouds

Obviously I am taking my grandfatherly duties extremely seriously, so this week I discovered a site online which gave me The Top 10 Tips for Being a Good Grandparent. "Result!" I thought. There would now be no end to my grandparenting skills which were already considerable.

These are the Top Tips

1. Be respectful that there are usually four grandparents with different needs, abilities and opinions.....remember this applies even if some grandparents are from Fife
2. Understand that the parents make the rules. Ask beforehand on activities you plan and what are appropriate gifts....then once you are alone with grandchild do what you like anyway
3. Do not criticize, especially your child's significant other. What you might think is helpful advice might be perceived by them as veiled criticism and affect your relationship with them....I really should have read this 6 weeks ago
4. Read to them-all children love being read to and it's a great bonding exercise....so, 'The Honest Men opened the scoring a minute before the break when Stuart Bannigan netted'
5. If you are going to drive, have car seats fitted and have someone show you their proper use....so no more standing up in the back seat with head out the window then
6. When babysitting, make sure you write down the information you will need about nap-time, bedtime, feeding schedules etc....then try to remember what you did with aforementioned information
7. Defer to the parents for disciplinary procedures for misbehaviours....that way you never give them into trouble and you are always the good guy
8. Show that there are alternatives to TV...obviously this excludes Match of the Day
9. Be sensitive to not play favourites and give each grandchild a little separate one-on-one time....apparently this applies even if the grandchild is a girl
10. When you're talking to your grandchildren, make notes about their interests, pets' names, books they've been reading, doll's name.....hold on a minute, if young Ben has a doll, I will be having a quiet word

In an ideal world all of the above points seem perfectly logical. Unfortunately, I do not live in an ideal world, I live in Glasgow, so here are my Top 10 Tips for Being a Good Grandparent in Glasgow


1. Buy your grandchild his first fish supper, washed down with a can of Irn-Bru and followed by a Macaroon Bar
2. Teach him how to climb a tree
3. Take your place on the settee together and watch Spartacus, Ben-Hur, The Magnificent 7 and The Great Escape (not necessarily all on the same night)
4. Buy him his first Springsteen album, it's never too early
5. Teach him how to play proper games like Chess, Dominoes and various Card games
6. Tell him embarrassing stories about his mum and dad
7. Take him to Rothesay (countless generations of our family have had to suffer this, why should he escape)
8. Whilst at Rothesay teach him how to skim stones and hunt for crabs (it's not all bad in Rothesay)
9. Take him to his first (and probably last) Ayr United game (get in quick before his dad takes him over to the dark side)
10. Tell him about girls and how they are nothing but trouble, but that you should always have some trouble in your life

No need to thank me all you now more-enlightened grandparents out there, the improved happiness and well-being of your grandchildren is thanks enough

like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be

As I have mentioned before I am an Ayr United fan.
I have a brother (better known as Jack's Grandpa) who lives in Helensburgh. It was his birthday yesterday. For his birthday treat I invited him along to the Dumbarton v Ayr game. It didn't go well. Ayr had a man sent off after half an hour whilst conceding a penalty. Game over! Ayr ended up losing 3-2.

It's his own fault really. When we were living in Ayr in the mid sixties, he and his mate Fraser would drag me along to Ayr away games in our dad's Mini (I was the youngest and not old enough to drive). I remember going to exotic locations like Cathkin Park, Cappielow and Firs Park where I seem to recall our mild mannered winger Arthur Patterson fighting with an old guy in the crowd.

My birthday is in August and every year my parents would buy me a Season Ticket for Somerset Park. I promised to try harder at school but each year they just kept on coming

I remember sitting on the back wall at the Somerset Road end with my mates and we would hold up home made banners and change ends at half-time passing the away fans heading in the other direction. Nowadays there is a segregation fence near the halfway line so that the 14 fans down from Peterhead cannot cause any trouble

In 1970 we moved down to the north of England, but by this time my two older brothers were married and had left home so I was left to my own devices to pick my new local team. We lived near Crook in County Durham which was fairly equidistant from Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesbrough. I auditioned all three but finally opted for Sunderland. (no-one can ever accuse me of being a glory hunter with teams like Ayr and Sunderland). I think the deciding factor may have been Dick Malone who moved from Ayr to Sunderland in October 1970. It seemed only fair that I should make the same transition

Life is never dull as a Sunderland supporter. Most seasons you are either fighting for promotion or fighting to avoid relegation. Unfortunately I was not at Wembley in 1973 when they beat Leeds United to win the FA Cup but in later years I did have the misfortune to see them lose two play-off finals at Wembley in 1990 and 1998

By the time my three sons started attending football we were living in Glasgow and my two oldest boys opted for the dark side and began following R******. It seems no matter how good a father you might be sometimes they just choose the wrong path.

I still went to see Ayr and occasionally Sunderland with my youngest son (probably because he didn't have a choice at the time) and we saw Ayr reach two major semis and a final between 2000 and 2002. (we did lose all three without even scoring a goal). Given that I had been at our last semi final appearance in 1973, I told him to make the most of it as it could be a while coming round again

I think that is the essence of supporting a smaller team. You are used to the lows so when the occasional high comes around you appreciate it all the more. I don't think you get that same feeling with the likes of Rangers, Celtic, Manchester United or Chelsea as they are so used to winning each week

Anyway it is to be hoped young Ben does not follow his father to the dark side but instead follows the path of enlightenment which comes out just at the top of Somerset Road. I will be standing there waiting for him

I leave you this week with my Top 5 Best and Worst games attended

Best

1. Partick Thistle 1 Ayr United 3 1998.....last day of the season and Ayr win to stay up and relegate Thistle. It doesn't get any better
2. Newcastle United 0 Sunderland 2 1990 play-off semi final second leg (no explanation required)
3. Scotland 2 Sweden 1 1990 ....the only game I have ever seen Scotland win in the World Cup Finals
4. Ayr 2 Rangers 1 1969....the first time I ever saw us beat Rangers
5. Wales 0 Scotland 2 1977....went to Liverpool to see this with my two brothers...great game/great atmosphere/great trip

Worst

1. Rangers 7 Ayr 0 2000 Scottish Cup Semi-Final....at least my sons didn't rub it in too much (aye right)
2. Scotland 1 Italy 2 2007 Euro Qualifier....last minute heartbreaker
3. Everton 5 Sunderland 0 1999...my mate from Liverpool got me 4 tickets in the Everton section and my sons and I drove there and back from Glasgow in the pouring rain. Not one of our better trips
4. Inverness Caley Thisle 4 Ayr 3 2001...Scottish Cup 3rd round...Ayr were winning 3-0 at half-time...it's a long drive back to Glasgow after that
5. England 3 Scotland 1 1979....my brother and I drove down and were supposed to stay with friends but were so disgusted we drove straight back to Ayr after the game (that's an even longer and quieter journey than Inverness to Glasgow)

The best game I ever saw as a neutral was Real Madrid 4 Barcelona 2 in 2005 on a weekend trip with my sons. The scorers were Zidane, Ronaldo, Raul, Owen, Eto'o and Ronaldinho so that rather sums it up.
Hopefully we can make that trip again in the future with young Ben added to the travelling party. Football.....it's a family tradition

If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal

Ben: son of my right hand

This week, I was looking at how and why people choose particular names for their children and what those names mean. Apparently Ben means son of my right hand, which is fine, but what happens if you have more than two sons, you kind of run out of hands. Do they become son of my right foot, daughter of my left ear. It's not quite the same, is it?

The name on my Birth Certificate is Ronald, but only two people in my life ever used that name, my mum and my ex-wife, and if either did I knew I was in trouble.

When our first child was born in 1980, we did not know if it was a boy or a girl (sorry Den,I mean beforehand not afterwards). In those days it was not commonplace to know the sex of your child in advance. I recall, if it was a girl, we were going to call her Chelsea. This was before The Clintons used this one and the name became fairly popular. The doctor was greatly amused by this name and when my son arrived he declared "It's not a Chelsea, it's a Luton Town". Ah, poor old Luton Town, at that time they were playing in the Top Division in England, now they are in The Conference. (I think that doctor must have cursed them)

It's not uncommon to name your children after football players rather than teams. A former colleague of mine had his first son in the 1990s. Unfortunately, he was a mad keen Rangers fan and decided to name his son after the next player to score for his team. In October 1995 that player was Oleg Salenko. If his wife had timed it a bit better (although I appreciate she probably had other things on her mind at the time), he could have been a Paul or a Gordon, but no, he was and still is Oleg McCann

In more recent years we have begun to experience the "celebrity" names and mothers have been leaning out of tenement windows in Glasgow shouting "Kylie, Jason, Britney, yer tea's oot"

Celebrities themselves are not averse to bestowing some strange names to their offspring. I think Zowie Bowie was always my favourite although the Geldofs came close with Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Those girls must have been really good fighters when they were young (even in private schools playgrounds can be hell)

Apparently the Beckhams named their son Brooklyn because that was where he was conceived. I don't see that one catching on in Glasgow, Magaluf McCallum and Butlins Baxter don't quite have the same ring to them and "The Lane at the back of Victoria's Sauchiehall Street" is just too long winded (they would just call her Laney or Vicky anyway)

I leave you this week with my own Top 10 alternative name meanings

1. Ben..........one who brings joy to all
2. Wayne....one who is not short of money
3. Simon......one who is never off the TV
4. Angelina....one who always looks great
5. Bruce.........one who writes and sings great songs
6. Katie..........one who should have been voted off
7. Ricky..........one who scores many runs (hopefully)
8. Kylie..........one who gets better with age
9. Chris..........one who misses open goals (I know, I should really just let it go)
10. Davina.....female equivalent of Simon


.......and if you have a child this week please don't call them Wagner or Treyc