If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal

Ben: son of my right hand

This week, I was looking at how and why people choose particular names for their children and what those names mean. Apparently Ben means son of my right hand, which is fine, but what happens if you have more than two sons, you kind of run out of hands. Do they become son of my right foot, daughter of my left ear. It's not quite the same, is it?

The name on my Birth Certificate is Ronald, but only two people in my life ever used that name, my mum and my ex-wife, and if either did I knew I was in trouble.

When our first child was born in 1980, we did not know if it was a boy or a girl (sorry Den,I mean beforehand not afterwards). In those days it was not commonplace to know the sex of your child in advance. I recall, if it was a girl, we were going to call her Chelsea. This was before The Clintons used this one and the name became fairly popular. The doctor was greatly amused by this name and when my son arrived he declared "It's not a Chelsea, it's a Luton Town". Ah, poor old Luton Town, at that time they were playing in the Top Division in England, now they are in The Conference. (I think that doctor must have cursed them)

It's not uncommon to name your children after football players rather than teams. A former colleague of mine had his first son in the 1990s. Unfortunately, he was a mad keen Rangers fan and decided to name his son after the next player to score for his team. In October 1995 that player was Oleg Salenko. If his wife had timed it a bit better (although I appreciate she probably had other things on her mind at the time), he could have been a Paul or a Gordon, but no, he was and still is Oleg McCann

In more recent years we have begun to experience the "celebrity" names and mothers have been leaning out of tenement windows in Glasgow shouting "Kylie, Jason, Britney, yer tea's oot"

Celebrities themselves are not averse to bestowing some strange names to their offspring. I think Zowie Bowie was always my favourite although the Geldofs came close with Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Those girls must have been really good fighters when they were young (even in private schools playgrounds can be hell)

Apparently the Beckhams named their son Brooklyn because that was where he was conceived. I don't see that one catching on in Glasgow, Magaluf McCallum and Butlins Baxter don't quite have the same ring to them and "The Lane at the back of Victoria's Sauchiehall Street" is just too long winded (they would just call her Laney or Vicky anyway)

I leave you this week with my own Top 10 alternative name meanings

1. Ben..........one who brings joy to all
2. Wayne....one who is not short of money
3. Simon......one who is never off the TV
4. Angelina....one who always looks great
5. Bruce.........one who writes and sings great songs
6. Katie..........one who should have been voted off
7. Ricky..........one who scores many runs (hopefully)
8. Kylie..........one who gets better with age
9. Chris..........one who misses open goals (I know, I should really just let it go)
10. Davina.....female equivalent of Simon


.......and if you have a child this week please don't call them Wagner or Treyc