I got fire in my mind, I got higher in my walkin' and I'm glowin' in the dark I give you warnin'

I really need to be having a serious word with my good mate John Travolta. JT and I were born in the same year and all through our lives he has been like The Talented Mr Ripley with me (except for the whole killing part)

I really do not know why he does it. I have always offered him sound advice and tried to help him with his career.

As far back as 1976 I told him the whole bucket of blood over Carrie's head gag would not end well but he just would not listen

Then a year later on one of his visits to Glasgow we went to the dancing in Victoria's and there was I throwing some shapes on the dance floor with my new white suit on. The rest is history. Why they set Saturday Night Fever in New York rather than Glasgow I am not sure. I guess falling off the Kingston Bridge would not have looked quite the same

And as for those chills in 1978, I had them mutiplyin' long before he was anywhere near Olivia Neutron Bomb but I just didn't suit the greased back hair look

But in 1988 he really took the biscuit. I remember telling him about this girl I had seen playing Arnie's girlfriend in Twins and how I was smitten with her and was definitely going to give her a call. Imagine my surprise then when I read in the Society pages of my Scientology Weekly about the impending marriage of John Travolta and Kelly Preston. That really hurt.

We didn't speak for a while after that which is probably why he did Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too. That just made me feel guilty so eventually I gave him a call and we started talking again (I could not take the chance of him making a third one of those awful movies)

But he had not changed and not long after I had told him about a trip of mine to Amsterdam, there he was with Samuel L. just shooting the breeze and using all of my Grade A chat and let me tell you JT has never had mayonnaise on his french fries. He didn't even have the decency to introduce me to Samuel L.

Then in 1997 I was recounting a tale of one time when my mate Ian and I had got so drunk that we decided it would be a good laugh if we just swapped faces and soon after what do you know there's JT and Nic Cage in Face/Off (my that was a confusing movie... JT acting like Nic Cage, Nic Cage acting like JT...what's not to like)

In 2007 when JT told me about Wild Hogs well I just laughed out loud. Unfortunately that experience was not repeated when I sat through the movie. That's 100 minutes of my life just wasted and I'll never get those 100 minutes back

Finally I arrive at the reason for this diatribe. Last week the lovely Kelly gave birth to a baby son and JT and Kelly have decided to call him Ben. Is there no end to this man's shame? Is nothing safe from him? Will he soon be buying my beloved Ayr United and relocating them to Wyoming (please John please). I have already bought my Christmas present for JT, I just hope this green cheese does not go even more off in the post

However, I do have to offer my congratulations to JT for becoming a father again at 56,and that has put ideas in my own head. Perhaps Young Ben would like an uncle that was actually younger than he is. Now where did I put that phone number for Meg Ryan?


ps Next Saturday 4th December is the 30th birthday of my eldest son (Ben's Uncle Den). It seems like only yesterday he was scoring a hat-trick against the 118th or we were watching Nick Faldo win The Open at Muirfield or he was learning to ride his bike (wait a minute that last one was only yesterday). Let me tell you Ben, you have a very special uncle there, he will never let you down. Take good care of him.