.....after 'while crocodile

So there I was, having paid for my messages and putting the last of my bags in the trolley when the nice check-out lady at Sainsbury's said "See you later". Excellent, I thought, still got it then until I remembered that I don't think I ever actually had it in the first place.

Still Match Of The Day hasn't started yet this season so what else did I have to do on a Saturday night. I rushed home all of a tizzy, took Henry out of the closet (that's my hoover, not any kind of gay companion) and gave the place a once over. I lit some scented candles, dug out my Val Doonican Album to provide some sensual sounds, put my finest bottle of Pomagne in the freezer to chill, opened a tin of pineapples (hopefully it would not only be the man from Del Monte saying yes tonight) and put the succulent gammon steaks on a low heat

But guess what? The check-out chiquita did not turn up. It seems that "See you later" does not actually mean "See you later" unless later is next Saturday when you come shopping again. It just means cheerio, goodbye, adieu, auf wiedersehen, adios or any of the thousands of perfectly good words which don't send you home all of a tizzy.

There are so many words people use in normal conversation these days that really annoy me. I mean some of them literally make my blood boil.

If someone starts a sentence with 'To be honest' does that mean that the rest of the time they are lying their face off (literally) and if they start with 'No offence, but....' you can be fairly certain that there will be some offence

Also after you have purchased several items at a store, why does the cashier ask "Do you need a bag?" Does she really think I belong to the Batonka tribe and that I am going to walk home with a loaf, pint of milk, packet of Frosties, bunch of bananas and a Guardian balanced on my head?

....and there aint nobody gonna tell me just how annoying double negatives are

As I have mentioned before I do watch a great deal of football on TV and the cliches churned out by the so-called experts could fill a book on their own. 'A game of two halves'....yes it is, so go and watch American Football where it is a game of four quarters. 'Decimated by injuries'...does this mean that one tenth of the team has been killed or removed (if so let's hope it's Kyle Lafferty) also is it not quite difficult to kill a tenth of eleven? 'His favourite left foot'.....how many left feet does he have? 'I am not sure he meant that'....oh really? You don't think he was aiming for Row Z in the stand. 'He gave 110%'...no he didn't and my own personal favourite 'The boy done good'...just where to start with that one

Nowadays we are also subjected to Text Speak. I have been brushing up on this as I believe Young Ben will be communicating this way before he is even speaking. So now I am familiar with the likes of OMG and LOL and FYI and somewhat ironically CUL8R. However IMHO this trend is extremely UN4TUN8 and should be avoided at all costs. Personally I will be giving 120% not to use this form of communication

In chip shops in Scotland (I do not know if it is the same in England) when you ask for a SINGLE fish strangely you always get two, so I leave you this week with a little poem stolen from the excellent Ben Lomond Free Press site

“Can I just have a single fish? i.e. just ONE, not TWO?”
This simplest dietary wish, was holding up the queue.
“Am sorry, a single fish is aye two! Are you friggin’ huvvin’ a laugh?
Even if ye huv a simple Fish Supper, ye’re still getting one and a half!”
“But two fish is too much fur me” said Anetta, “The fat joost goes straight tay ma hips.
One and a half wi’ nay batter is better, but I really don’t want any chips”
The queue was soon catching that trouble was hatching.
The hungry man’s patience could not see the joke.
“Oi missis, if this is whit huz yer brain scratching,
buy the single, eat wan, ‘n leave wan in the poke!”
Unflustered, she mustered another suggestion, “Hauf a single?” the strange request came.
“Oh fur God’s sake…Aw right, anythin’ else ya want?”
“Aye! Ma wee brother here, wants the same!”


OK, ranting over for this week, I am off to have gammon steak for my dinner for the second night running. See you later!

You don't believe in war, but what's that gun you're totin'

In light of the horrific incidents which happened in Norway on Friday, I have been unable to work up any enthusiasm to write anything remotely light-hearted this week. Sometimes events happen in this world which are beyond normal comprehension. To me, this is one such event. I cannot understand what has been achieved by these actions.

This was not Afghanistan or Libya or Pakistan or even The USA. This was Norway.

I am at a loss to comprehend such a disregard for life

I have read on the BBC News site that the maximum sentence the suspect can receive by Norwegian Law is 21 years in prison. It appears that justice is indeed blind

They all come out to groove about, be nice and have fun in the sun

So, earlier this week Young Ben and I spent the day at Queen's Park. Swinging on the swings, see-sawing on the see-saw, sliding down the chute, spinning round on the roundabout. It was great fun, although after a while Ben asked if he could have a go rather than just watch me swinging on the swings, see-sawing on the see-saw, sliding down the chute and spinning on the roundabout. Kids nowadays, I don't know.

Playgrounds have certainly changed since I was a boy. The surface of the ground is softer than my mattress at home and if you fall over you virtually bounce back up again. When I was growing up in Ayr I used to go to the swing park at the top of King George V Playing Fields. We used to play a game on the roundabout where one of you dropped something off the side and the other people had to try and pick it up. I recall hanging precariously off the side and eventually 'coming a cropper' (to use a favourite expression of my dad) on several occasions. Unfortunately back then there was no safety covering on the ground. It was good old gravel or concrete, so I would regularly return home with bumps and scrapes as everyone did in those days.

In Glasgow we even play football on ash pitches. It's no wonder we never used to have any good goalies, who would want to dive about on that surface.

In all my times on the swings I never mastered the art of 'looping the loop' where you jump off the swing at a great height and the swing then wraps itself around the top pole. I was never quite agile enough for that and the joy of sitting in a swing and your mates turning it round and round and round and then letting it go so that it unravelled at great speed. Well that just made me feel ill. There was probably a name for that (I mean the swing turning not the me feeling ill) but I cannot recall it just as there was probably a name for when one of you sat on the swing and a mate stood up on the same swing in order to gather extra impetus. Dumb...I think that's what the name for that was

Anyway after we had finished in the play area Young Ben and I wandered round to The Glasshouse for a refreshment. He wanted to give a bit of his ice-pole to Terry The Tarantula in the Reptile House but I managed to convince him that was not such a great idea.

From there we headed up to the flagpole which offers breathtaking views of Glasgow in all directions including clear across the city to The Campsie Fells.

Then we meandered down to the boating pond where grown men sail model boats. Everything was going splendidly until our model Trident submarine sunk The Waverley and The Titanic (makes a change from an iceberg) and we were asked to leave. Ben wants to go back next week and launch our Stuka from a safe distance to see how our intrepid mariners cope with that. I really don't know where he gets it from

We then took turns at throwing our American Football to one another but by the time I had actually 'gone long' Ben had become bored and started chatting to a young lady nearby. I really don't know where he gets it from

On our way out of the park we witnessed a Glasgow phenomenon. Whenever the sun shines in Scotland, and I believe in particular in Glasgow, men are obliged to take off their shirts. This is not reserved to the parks or the beach. Oh no, you walk down Buchanan Street on a sunny day and you will see men in dress trousers with their shirts off. It's not a good look. Some of these guys make Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart look positively bronzed. So in the park we saw what must have been an improvised footie match of 'shirts' vs 'skins' wherein most of the 'skins' were playing in trousers and shoes

At that point Ben decided it was definitely time for home just in case his grandpa was bitten by the 'skins' bug. If that happened he would never be able to show his face in the park again

Anyway that's it for this week. Ben and I are experimenting in the bath to work out if Aquaman will still be able to swim with a torpedo strapped to his back. Look out Sir Francis Drake! We are coming for you!

Mama, take this badge off of me, I can't use it anymore.It's gettin' dark, too dark to see

I was watching the excellent Mystic River again last week and when Tim Robbins came to a sticky end it made me think about deaths in movies I have seen, so you will be astonished to hear that I decided to do some lists of same

WARNING---SPOILER ALERT ....just in case you have not seen any of the following films

Movie Deaths at which I have shed a tear

1. Burt Lancaster in Vera Cruz.......I know it was either him or Gary Cooper but surely they could have worked something out
2. Mel Gibson in Braveheart..........Freedom!
3. Jon Voight in The Champ.........."wake up, Champ"
4. Edward Furlong in American History X....Edward Norton turns his life around and loses his brother in a senseless shooting
5. Jean Reno in Leon..........the lovable hit man
6. Michael Clarke Duncan (John Coffey) in The Green Mile...."I'm tired boss"
7. Eric Schweig (Uncas) in The Last Of The Mohicans..........the second last of the Mohicans
8. The aforementioned Tim Robbins in Mystic River.......executed by Sean Penn for a crime he did not commit
9. Roberto Begnini in Life is Beautiful...it was hard to see a happy ending coming here and it didn't
10. Gil Bellows (Tommy Williams) in The Shawshank Redemption....."if I drop this ******* thing you got me on destruction of property too"

Movie Deaths I was not sorry to see

1. Joaquin Pheonix in Gladiator......even a half-dead Russell Crowe was too good for him
2. Glen Campbell in True Grit (1969)....if John Wayne died every time he was hit on the head 'The Duke' would not have seen the end of many movies
3. Stephen Boyd (Massala) in Ben Hur...if only Ben had carried out better maintenance on his roof tiles
4. Gary Oldman (Stansfield) in Leon.....shoots Leon in the back but receives a gift "from Mathilda"
5. The Army escort party in Dances With Wolves.....received their just deserts

Unexpected Movie Deaths

1. Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea..you would think a man with the experience of of Samuel L would know better than stand next to a pool containing super intelligent and hungry sharks
2. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.....always take your gun with you when you go to the toilet JT
3. Steven Seagal in Executive Decision......I didn't think Seagal was allowed to die in any of his films
4. Christian Bale (Dan Evans) in 3.10 To Yuma (2007).....Van Hefflin survived the 1957 version so this came as a surprise to me
5. Kim Richards (the little girl with the ice cream) in Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)...."I wanted vanilla twist"

Inevitable Movie Deaths

1. Al Pacino in Scarface.............."say hello to my little friend"
2. Christopher Walken in The Deer Hunter....."One shot"
3. Michael Douglas in Falling Down......"I'm the bad guy? How did that happen?"
4. Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo and Juliet....even Hollywood did not change the ending of Mr Shakespeare in this instance
5. Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughan, James Coburn, Brad Dexter in The Magnificent Seven...You knew there had to be collateral damage and it was never going to be Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen or Horst Buchholz who played the young hotheaded Chico

Characters who should have suffered Movie Deaths

1. Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched) in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest....Jack should have finished the job
2. Meryl Streep in Kramer vs. Kramer...an early demise would have saved a lot of heartache
3. Doug Hutchison (Percy Wetmore) in The Green Mile......you really should have wet that sponge Percy
4. Masato Harada (Omura) in The Last Samurai.......a coward among honourable men
5. Jack Black in Tenacious D In The Pick Of Destiny.............94 minutes of my life that I will never get back

Animals (non-cartoon) that suffered Movie Deaths

1. Two Socks the wolf in Dances With Wolves....keep your head down Two Socks
2. Hooch in Turner and Hooch....it's a dog in a Tom Hanks movie, how could they?
3. King Kong....the big fella is minding his own business on his island when along comes Fay Wray or Naomi Watts to turn his life upside down. Women, eh?
4. Old Yeller....boy meets dog, boy loves dog, dog fights rabid wolf, dog gets rabies, boy shoots dog, boy gets new dog
5. Jaws......don't smile you son of a *****, you were just doing what comes naturally

I am sure there will be some that I have missed in all categories, but as long as they don't kill off Dexter on TV I will be happy

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam, born on the Fourth of July

Howdy doody pardners and a great big Happy 4th July to all my cousins from across the pond. Just a brief blog this week as Young Ben and I are preparing our firework display for this evening and we have still to finish off our float for the parade. The theme is America's Friends across the Globe. Everyone else seems to be going for Israel so we think we could be on to a winner with our Pakistan themed float which is a model of the compound formerly occupied by a certain Mr Bin Laden although we are having some last minute hitches hiring Blackhawk Helicopters for the day. Young Ben says his contacts at The Mickey Mouse Club have let him down and we may have to improvise with paper aeroplanes

I have never been in The States on 4th July but I have been there at Thanksgiving and to be fair to them they certainly know how to put on a show and have no qualms at expressing their patriotism. I attended Basketball and Ice Hockey matches at Madison Square Gardens in New York and the national anthem was received with vigour by the crowd on both occasions

On one of the occasions I arrived in New York just in time for Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Even after witnessing Disney parades in Florida that one was just a bit special

There are not many places in the world I would rather live than Scotland but I have to admit if I won The Lottery I would seriously consider a place on the West Coast of The USA. The time I visited San Francisco I took a day trip down the coast which included visits to Monterey with Cannery Row made famous by John Steinbeck, Carmel which was the setting for the movie Play Misty For Me starring Clint Eastwood, who later went on to be mayor of the town and the wonderful 17 Mile Drive down the Pacific Coast with the spectacular Lone Cypress and which took in Pebble Beach and the famous Golf Course where Graeme McDowell won The US Open in 2010. I think spending the 4th of July anywhere down that way would be very pleasant indeed

I can see Young Ben attaching rockets to the neighbour's dog so I leave you this week with my special 4th Of July USA themed play list

1. Wichita Lineman......................................Glen Campbell
2. Do You Know The Way To San Jose.....Dionne Warwick
3. Ventura Highway.....................................America
4. Nashville Cats...........................................The Lovin' Spoonful
5. Miami.........................................................Will Smith
6. Viva Las Vegas.........................................Elvis Presley
7. An Englishman In New York..................Sting
8. Philadelphia Freedom ............................Elton John
9. San Franciscan Nights............................Eric Burdon
10 Walking In Memphis.............................Marc Cohn
11. LA Woman.............................................The Doors
12. 24 Hours From Tulsa...........................Gene Pitney
13. By The Time I Get To Pheonix..........Glen Campbell
14. City Of New Orleans............................Willie Nelson
15. Atlantic City..........................................Bruce Springsteen (you didn't think I would leave Bruce out did you)?

Altogether now ...'Oh say can you see.........................'

Have A Nice Day!