So there I was, having paid for my messages and putting the last of my bags in the trolley when the nice check-out lady at Sainsbury's said "See you later". Excellent, I thought, still got it then until I remembered that I don't think I ever actually had it in the first place.
Still Match Of The Day hasn't started yet this season so what else did I have to do on a Saturday night. I rushed home all of a tizzy, took Henry out of the closet (that's my hoover, not any kind of gay companion) and gave the place a once over. I lit some scented candles, dug out my Val Doonican Album to provide some sensual sounds, put my finest bottle of Pomagne in the freezer to chill, opened a tin of pineapples (hopefully it would not only be the man from Del Monte saying yes tonight) and put the succulent gammon steaks on a low heat
But guess what? The check-out chiquita did not turn up. It seems that "See you later" does not actually mean "See you later" unless later is next Saturday when you come shopping again. It just means cheerio, goodbye, adieu, auf wiedersehen, adios or any of the thousands of perfectly good words which don't send you home all of a tizzy.
There are so many words people use in normal conversation these days that really annoy me. I mean some of them literally make my blood boil.
If someone starts a sentence with 'To be honest' does that mean that the rest of the time they are lying their face off (literally) and if they start with 'No offence, but....' you can be fairly certain that there will be some offence
Also after you have purchased several items at a store, why does the cashier ask "Do you need a bag?" Does she really think I belong to the Batonka tribe and that I am going to walk home with a loaf, pint of milk, packet of Frosties, bunch of bananas and a Guardian balanced on my head?
....and there aint nobody gonna tell me just how annoying double negatives are
As I have mentioned before I do watch a great deal of football on TV and the cliches churned out by the so-called experts could fill a book on their own. 'A game of two halves'....yes it is, so go and watch American Football where it is a game of four quarters. 'Decimated by injuries'...does this mean that one tenth of the team has been killed or removed (if so let's hope it's Kyle Lafferty) also is it not quite difficult to kill a tenth of eleven? 'His favourite left foot'.....how many left feet does he have? 'I am not sure he meant that'....oh really? You don't think he was aiming for Row Z in the stand. 'He gave 110%'...no he didn't and my own personal favourite 'The boy done good'...just where to start with that one
Nowadays we are also subjected to Text Speak. I have been brushing up on this as I believe Young Ben will be communicating this way before he is even speaking. So now I am familiar with the likes of OMG and LOL and FYI and somewhat ironically CUL8R. However IMHO this trend is extremely UN4TUN8 and should be avoided at all costs. Personally I will be giving 120% not to use this form of communication
In chip shops in Scotland (I do not know if it is the same in England) when you ask for a SINGLE fish strangely you always get two, so I leave you this week with a little poem stolen from the excellent Ben Lomond Free Press site
“Can I just have a single fish? i.e. just ONE, not TWO?”
This simplest dietary wish, was holding up the queue.
“Am sorry, a single fish is aye two! Are you friggin’ huvvin’ a laugh?
Even if ye huv a simple Fish Supper, ye’re still getting one and a half!”
“But two fish is too much fur me” said Anetta, “The fat joost goes straight tay ma hips.
One and a half wi’ nay batter is better, but I really don’t want any chips”
The queue was soon catching that trouble was hatching.
The hungry man’s patience could not see the joke.
“Oi missis, if this is whit huz yer brain scratching,
buy the single, eat wan, ‘n leave wan in the poke!”
Unflustered, she mustered another suggestion, “Hauf a single?” the strange request came.
“Oh fur God’s sake…Aw right, anythin’ else ya want?”
“Aye! Ma wee brother here, wants the same!”
OK, ranting over for this week, I am off to have gammon steak for my dinner for the second night running. See you later!
Aah, Dooro, what a fine kettle of worms to let the cat out of!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, my personal faves include:
begs the question - no it piggin' doesn't, it raises the question
never - as in 'I never went to the game'. What is wrong with
'not' as in 'I did not', ya numpties?
If I stop literally tearing my (last remaining) hair out, I may add more later. I don't think I can add more earlier.