Just for a moment I was back at school and felt that old familiar pain, and as I turned to make my way back home, the snow turned into rain

Well, that's Christmas done for another year. The Perfume adverts have finished and the Holiday ones have started. So now New Year approaches and reviews of the year gone by begin. So what kind of year has it been?
We have swapped a fairly dull PM for an even duller PM with a dull sidekick.England did not win the World Cup. Robbie rejoined Take That. Aung San Suu Kyi was released in Burmah after spending 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest. We had chaos in the summer with the Icelandic volcano ash cloud and further chaos in the winter when it snowed. Ayr United were relegated. 33 miners were rescued from mine in Chile after being trapped underground for 68 days. Wagner did not win The X Factor

I believe that covers the main global points of the year so I will now give you my own personal review of 2010

Best Moment of 2010: 11.28 AM 06/10/10 Young Ben arrives in the world and makes me a grandfather for the first time

Best Live Match attended in 2010.....Scotland 2 Spain 3. Although Scotland lost this one it was a pleasure to watch Spain and they did win me some money with their earlier World Cup win

Worst Live Match attended in 2010....Morton 2 Ayr 1 ...Ayr snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by losing two late goals and are relegated on the last day of the season. Happy Days

Best TV in 2010.....Mad Men......if you have not seen it, watch it. It is excellent

Worst TV moment of 2010....Storm singing Born To Run on The X Factor. There really should be a law against that

Favourite Album of 2010...The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

Best New Imaginary Girlfriend of 2010....Zooey Deschanel

Best Books read in 2010...Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell and Plainsong & Eventide by Kent Haruf

Best Sandwich of 2010.....Brie and Cranberry

Favourite Movie seen in 2010....The Hangover

Favourite Song of 2010...U Smile by Justin Bieber (just checking to see if any of you have actually read this far)

Well that's it for this year.Abbreviated Blog this week. People must have better ways to make use of their holidays than read this mince. Happy New Year to you all when it comes. I will be back in 2011

He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake

Only six days to go and then as Noddy Holder famously said IT'S CHRISTMAS!. The tree is up , the presents are wrapped (except those that have not arrived as yet from Amazon ...that's the book/cd provider not that dwindling rainforest area in Brazil...Ben's pet pink-toed Tarantula arrived from there weeks ago) the turkey is playing happily in the back garden oblivious to his fate and the TV is awash with perfume adverts.

I have noticed in recent years how these have become more and more elaborate like Music Videos and now contain Hollywood stars. I believe there is now an Oscar category for Best Performance in a Perfume Advert. The nominees are Ryan Reynolds for Hugo Boss, James Franco for Gucci, Jude Law for Dior Homme, Naomi Watts for Angel by Thierry Mugler and Charlize Theron for Dior J'Adore. Charlize would definitely get my vote.

The Jude Law advert is set in Paris and c'est vraiment affreux. The very attractive French lady asks "How will I recognise you?" and Jude replies "Oh, Don't you worry about that. You'll know when I'm there" Yes, because he will be standing under the Eiffel Tower absolutely reeking of Dior Homme and speaking in a bad Cockney accent.

I almost appeared in a perfume ad myself. I made the final two for the Dolce and Gabbana advert but for some reason they went for the lad in the white trunks. I think he is slightly taller than I am.

It seems that nowadays almost anyone can put there name to a perfume....I mean Kerry Katona and Coleen Rooney...Really? Soon we will have Faithful by Tommy Sheridan, Cain And Abel by Ed Miliband, Sincere by David Cameron and Filled Nappy by Ben

But so-called Celebrities are everywhere on TV nowadays. I remember it was a novelty when people like Andre Previn or Angela Rippon appeared on Morecambe and Wise but this Christmas we could have 'Celebrity Present Wrapping', 'Celebrity Cracker Pulling' and 'Celebrity Tree Decorating'

I leave you this week with my Top 5 Favourite Festive Songs & Movies

Songs

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town....Bruce Springsteen ......what else would it be
2. Merry Xmas Everybody....Slade...Noddy, 70s, Xmas..what's not to like
3. Last Christmas...Wham....last Christmas George gave her his heart but this year she is up the mountain with Andrew...it's enough to put George off women for life
4. Fairytale of New York...The Pogues....you cannot not (double negative?) sing along to this
5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus....Brenda Lee....particularly traumatic at the time but explained to me years later...my real dad is Santa Claus

Movies

1. Die Hard.....I guess I am just an old romantic at heart
2. Ben Hur....perhaps not an actual Christmas movie but it is on every Christmas and it does have an appearance by Jesus
3. Jack Frost....brings a tear to the eye, especially for Claire
4. Elf..Will Ferrell has given many outstanding performances but this may just be his finest (apart from Anchorman of course)
5. A Night at the Opera...The Marx Brothers....yes I know it's not a Christmas movie but it does include the immortal lines "That's what they call a Sanity Clause".."You can't fool me, there aint no Sanity Clause" and I had to fit that in somehow

Well, That's it. Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa is good to you all

the road is long with many a winding turn

Today (12/12/10) is the birthday of my youngest son, Ben's Uncle Dean or The Human Calcy as his Maths teacher once famously called him. He is earning a crust down in The Big Smoke so I won't see him today but he did make a special trip home last weekend for his brother Den's 30th.

We had a night out all together last Saturday at Sean's pub (we like to keep it in the family) and it was great to see such a large turnout. There were friends of all three of my sons there and it is testament to his character that so many people made the effort to show up. We have always had an open door policy in our house when it comes to friends visiting so I have known many of the boys there for nearly 20 years and shared in their highs and lows as well as those of my own family

There was a lot of hugging, a lot of laughing, a lot of emotion and even some kissing (that was Claire's fault) but mostly there was a lot of drink. Special mention must go to Cunns (pronounced Cunns) for his Rothesay reminiscences, to Hamish for his efforts with the sambuca and to Greg whose free-style dancing was the highlight of the evening

I like to think that my sons and I have a special relationship, perhaps circumstances made it that way, but the fact that they are still all close friends makes me very happy. They have a bond and now the arrival of young Ben has strengthened that bond. I believe life is about priorities and if your family is not your number one priority then what is the point in being here.

They are my legacy. As you get older you start to look back on your life and your achievements. I have no regrets (apart from not asking out Linda Bell in 1972).I am a lucky man. I have walked over The Golden Gate Bridge, I have crossed 110th Street, I have seen Scotland win at Wembley and I have eaten the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila (ok it may have been mezcal). I know that I have not created any miracle cure for a fatal disease but I also know that the world is a better place for having my sons in it. I realise that this is not unique and that many parents will feel this way which is as it should be.

I am not saying they are perfect and that I have agreed with all their choices in life (I still don't understand how any sons of mine could support *******) but all you can do is teach them right from wrong, point them in the appropriate direction and be there when they need you (and hope that at least one of them makes a good enough living to look after you in your old age)

Over recent years we have enjoyed many trips away together to places like Madrid, Barcelona, Albufeira, Porta Pollensa, Amsterdam, Sunderland (strangely they all seem to be connected to football) and I have been privileged to be in their company and listen to their banter and watch them in action
Claire and Young Ben are now a part of this elite club and will share in the rewards that membership brings. I was hoping Young Ben would be taking his grandpa to the World Cup in 2018 but Vladivostok may prove more challenging than Manchester.

Apologies if this week has been over self-indulgent but it is my son's birthday and he is miles from home. Happy Birthday Dean. Hope you have a good one!

Let me wrap myself around you, let me show you how I see

Apologies to all my avid readers for the lateness of my Blog this week. Yesterday,as with the majority of Scotland, I spent most of the day in my car going nowhere. This strange white stuff fell from the sky and brought the country to a standstill. Since authorities seem to believe our climate is twinned with Australia we were stunned by this weather.Never mind, by the weekend we will be back on the beaches with our barbies and our surf boards.

This week Young Ben and I decided to do our letters to Santa. Apparently you can now do this on-line but we went "old school" with parchment and quill pen. When we finished I suggested that perhaps 74 items was somewhat optimistic and we whittled that down to a more realistic number

1. Ocean Wonders Space Saver Swing
2. Winnie The Pooh/Tigger Magic Rattle
3. Mr Potato Head
4. Ayr United Hat and Scarf
5. Amazing Animals Train
6. Fisher Price My First Guitar

That was my list. Young Ben's is secret, Santa likes it that way. He did mention that I would struggle to fit in the Space Saver Swing, but we shall see.

I have already started my own collection of Fisher Price My Firsts for Ben which include My First Cocktail Shaker, My First Rolex, My First Large Hadron Collider, My First iPhone, My First Coupon and My First Bottle of Lucozade for the Morning After, but I have drawn the line at My First Kindle. Looking for Spot on a Kindle would just not be the same

I was looking at worldwide pre-Christmas traditions on-line this week and here are my favorite 5 (if these are incorrect, don't blame me, blame Wiki. Everyone else seems to be doing that at the moment anyway)

1. Greenland...They have a dish called kiviak. To make this special treat they take the flesh of an auk, wrap it in sealskin and place it under a rock until it decomposes. Mmm delicious, perhaps Ben's Dad should add that one to his Christmas menu at The Church On The Hill
2. Yugoslavia (is there still a Yugoslavia?)...
The second Sunday before Christmas, children sneak up on their mum and tie her feet to a chair. They yell, 'Mother's Day, Mother's Day, what will you pay to get away?' The mother then gives them each a gift. This repeats the next Sunday with the dad and he too gives them gifts.(not really sure how they give them gifts whilst tied to a chair)
3. Finland...The Christmas season begins on Christmas Eve where everyone gathers at 5:00pm at the cemetery to pay a visit to his or her deceased loved ones. The visitors place candles on the graves and a service takes place. (I have been to Finland--they are not the cheeriest of people)
4. Netherlands... On the 6th of December, Sinterklaas and his sidekick, Black Pete, arrive by steamer. They leave nuts and candy for the children who have been good. (I think I may have met Black Pete on my last trip to Amsterdam....I certainly met his sister)
5.France...... On the night of December 5th, children are visited by two Santas -- Pere Noel and Pere Fouettard. Pere Noel rewards the kids with gifts, but Pere Fouettard (Father Spanker) gives the bad children a spanking.(Ah those fun loving Frenchies--nothing like a good hiding to get you in the Festive mood)

Anyway, that's it for this week. Happy Santa List writing. See you on the beach Saturday. Throw another penguin on the Barbie.

I got fire in my mind, I got higher in my walkin' and I'm glowin' in the dark I give you warnin'

I really need to be having a serious word with my good mate John Travolta. JT and I were born in the same year and all through our lives he has been like The Talented Mr Ripley with me (except for the whole killing part)

I really do not know why he does it. I have always offered him sound advice and tried to help him with his career.

As far back as 1976 I told him the whole bucket of blood over Carrie's head gag would not end well but he just would not listen

Then a year later on one of his visits to Glasgow we went to the dancing in Victoria's and there was I throwing some shapes on the dance floor with my new white suit on. The rest is history. Why they set Saturday Night Fever in New York rather than Glasgow I am not sure. I guess falling off the Kingston Bridge would not have looked quite the same

And as for those chills in 1978, I had them mutiplyin' long before he was anywhere near Olivia Neutron Bomb but I just didn't suit the greased back hair look

But in 1988 he really took the biscuit. I remember telling him about this girl I had seen playing Arnie's girlfriend in Twins and how I was smitten with her and was definitely going to give her a call. Imagine my surprise then when I read in the Society pages of my Scientology Weekly about the impending marriage of John Travolta and Kelly Preston. That really hurt.

We didn't speak for a while after that which is probably why he did Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too. That just made me feel guilty so eventually I gave him a call and we started talking again (I could not take the chance of him making a third one of those awful movies)

But he had not changed and not long after I had told him about a trip of mine to Amsterdam, there he was with Samuel L. just shooting the breeze and using all of my Grade A chat and let me tell you JT has never had mayonnaise on his french fries. He didn't even have the decency to introduce me to Samuel L.

Then in 1997 I was recounting a tale of one time when my mate Ian and I had got so drunk that we decided it would be a good laugh if we just swapped faces and soon after what do you know there's JT and Nic Cage in Face/Off (my that was a confusing movie... JT acting like Nic Cage, Nic Cage acting like JT...what's not to like)

In 2007 when JT told me about Wild Hogs well I just laughed out loud. Unfortunately that experience was not repeated when I sat through the movie. That's 100 minutes of my life just wasted and I'll never get those 100 minutes back

Finally I arrive at the reason for this diatribe. Last week the lovely Kelly gave birth to a baby son and JT and Kelly have decided to call him Ben. Is there no end to this man's shame? Is nothing safe from him? Will he soon be buying my beloved Ayr United and relocating them to Wyoming (please John please). I have already bought my Christmas present for JT, I just hope this green cheese does not go even more off in the post

However, I do have to offer my congratulations to JT for becoming a father again at 56,and that has put ideas in my own head. Perhaps Young Ben would like an uncle that was actually younger than he is. Now where did I put that phone number for Meg Ryan?


ps Next Saturday 4th December is the 30th birthday of my eldest son (Ben's Uncle Den). It seems like only yesterday he was scoring a hat-trick against the 118th or we were watching Nick Faldo win The Open at Muirfield or he was learning to ride his bike (wait a minute that last one was only yesterday). Let me tell you Ben, you have a very special uncle there, he will never let you down. Take good care of him.

If the sky above you should turn black and full of clouds

Obviously I am taking my grandfatherly duties extremely seriously, so this week I discovered a site online which gave me The Top 10 Tips for Being a Good Grandparent. "Result!" I thought. There would now be no end to my grandparenting skills which were already considerable.

These are the Top Tips

1. Be respectful that there are usually four grandparents with different needs, abilities and opinions.....remember this applies even if some grandparents are from Fife
2. Understand that the parents make the rules. Ask beforehand on activities you plan and what are appropriate gifts....then once you are alone with grandchild do what you like anyway
3. Do not criticize, especially your child's significant other. What you might think is helpful advice might be perceived by them as veiled criticism and affect your relationship with them....I really should have read this 6 weeks ago
4. Read to them-all children love being read to and it's a great bonding exercise....so, 'The Honest Men opened the scoring a minute before the break when Stuart Bannigan netted'
5. If you are going to drive, have car seats fitted and have someone show you their proper use....so no more standing up in the back seat with head out the window then
6. When babysitting, make sure you write down the information you will need about nap-time, bedtime, feeding schedules etc....then try to remember what you did with aforementioned information
7. Defer to the parents for disciplinary procedures for misbehaviours....that way you never give them into trouble and you are always the good guy
8. Show that there are alternatives to TV...obviously this excludes Match of the Day
9. Be sensitive to not play favourites and give each grandchild a little separate one-on-one time....apparently this applies even if the grandchild is a girl
10. When you're talking to your grandchildren, make notes about their interests, pets' names, books they've been reading, doll's name.....hold on a minute, if young Ben has a doll, I will be having a quiet word

In an ideal world all of the above points seem perfectly logical. Unfortunately, I do not live in an ideal world, I live in Glasgow, so here are my Top 10 Tips for Being a Good Grandparent in Glasgow


1. Buy your grandchild his first fish supper, washed down with a can of Irn-Bru and followed by a Macaroon Bar
2. Teach him how to climb a tree
3. Take your place on the settee together and watch Spartacus, Ben-Hur, The Magnificent 7 and The Great Escape (not necessarily all on the same night)
4. Buy him his first Springsteen album, it's never too early
5. Teach him how to play proper games like Chess, Dominoes and various Card games
6. Tell him embarrassing stories about his mum and dad
7. Take him to Rothesay (countless generations of our family have had to suffer this, why should he escape)
8. Whilst at Rothesay teach him how to skim stones and hunt for crabs (it's not all bad in Rothesay)
9. Take him to his first (and probably last) Ayr United game (get in quick before his dad takes him over to the dark side)
10. Tell him about girls and how they are nothing but trouble, but that you should always have some trouble in your life

No need to thank me all you now more-enlightened grandparents out there, the improved happiness and well-being of your grandchildren is thanks enough

like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be

As I have mentioned before I am an Ayr United fan.
I have a brother (better known as Jack's Grandpa) who lives in Helensburgh. It was his birthday yesterday. For his birthday treat I invited him along to the Dumbarton v Ayr game. It didn't go well. Ayr had a man sent off after half an hour whilst conceding a penalty. Game over! Ayr ended up losing 3-2.

It's his own fault really. When we were living in Ayr in the mid sixties, he and his mate Fraser would drag me along to Ayr away games in our dad's Mini (I was the youngest and not old enough to drive). I remember going to exotic locations like Cathkin Park, Cappielow and Firs Park where I seem to recall our mild mannered winger Arthur Patterson fighting with an old guy in the crowd.

My birthday is in August and every year my parents would buy me a Season Ticket for Somerset Park. I promised to try harder at school but each year they just kept on coming

I remember sitting on the back wall at the Somerset Road end with my mates and we would hold up home made banners and change ends at half-time passing the away fans heading in the other direction. Nowadays there is a segregation fence near the halfway line so that the 14 fans down from Peterhead cannot cause any trouble

In 1970 we moved down to the north of England, but by this time my two older brothers were married and had left home so I was left to my own devices to pick my new local team. We lived near Crook in County Durham which was fairly equidistant from Newcastle, Sunderland and Middlesbrough. I auditioned all three but finally opted for Sunderland. (no-one can ever accuse me of being a glory hunter with teams like Ayr and Sunderland). I think the deciding factor may have been Dick Malone who moved from Ayr to Sunderland in October 1970. It seemed only fair that I should make the same transition

Life is never dull as a Sunderland supporter. Most seasons you are either fighting for promotion or fighting to avoid relegation. Unfortunately I was not at Wembley in 1973 when they beat Leeds United to win the FA Cup but in later years I did have the misfortune to see them lose two play-off finals at Wembley in 1990 and 1998

By the time my three sons started attending football we were living in Glasgow and my two oldest boys opted for the dark side and began following R******. It seems no matter how good a father you might be sometimes they just choose the wrong path.

I still went to see Ayr and occasionally Sunderland with my youngest son (probably because he didn't have a choice at the time) and we saw Ayr reach two major semis and a final between 2000 and 2002. (we did lose all three without even scoring a goal). Given that I had been at our last semi final appearance in 1973, I told him to make the most of it as it could be a while coming round again

I think that is the essence of supporting a smaller team. You are used to the lows so when the occasional high comes around you appreciate it all the more. I don't think you get that same feeling with the likes of Rangers, Celtic, Manchester United or Chelsea as they are so used to winning each week

Anyway it is to be hoped young Ben does not follow his father to the dark side but instead follows the path of enlightenment which comes out just at the top of Somerset Road. I will be standing there waiting for him

I leave you this week with my Top 5 Best and Worst games attended

Best

1. Partick Thistle 1 Ayr United 3 1998.....last day of the season and Ayr win to stay up and relegate Thistle. It doesn't get any better
2. Newcastle United 0 Sunderland 2 1990 play-off semi final second leg (no explanation required)
3. Scotland 2 Sweden 1 1990 ....the only game I have ever seen Scotland win in the World Cup Finals
4. Ayr 2 Rangers 1 1969....the first time I ever saw us beat Rangers
5. Wales 0 Scotland 2 1977....went to Liverpool to see this with my two brothers...great game/great atmosphere/great trip

Worst

1. Rangers 7 Ayr 0 2000 Scottish Cup Semi-Final....at least my sons didn't rub it in too much (aye right)
2. Scotland 1 Italy 2 2007 Euro Qualifier....last minute heartbreaker
3. Everton 5 Sunderland 0 1999...my mate from Liverpool got me 4 tickets in the Everton section and my sons and I drove there and back from Glasgow in the pouring rain. Not one of our better trips
4. Inverness Caley Thisle 4 Ayr 3 2001...Scottish Cup 3rd round...Ayr were winning 3-0 at half-time...it's a long drive back to Glasgow after that
5. England 3 Scotland 1 1979....my brother and I drove down and were supposed to stay with friends but were so disgusted we drove straight back to Ayr after the game (that's an even longer and quieter journey than Inverness to Glasgow)

The best game I ever saw as a neutral was Real Madrid 4 Barcelona 2 in 2005 on a weekend trip with my sons. The scorers were Zidane, Ronaldo, Raul, Owen, Eto'o and Ronaldinho so that rather sums it up.
Hopefully we can make that trip again in the future with young Ben added to the travelling party. Football.....it's a family tradition

If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal

Ben: son of my right hand

This week, I was looking at how and why people choose particular names for their children and what those names mean. Apparently Ben means son of my right hand, which is fine, but what happens if you have more than two sons, you kind of run out of hands. Do they become son of my right foot, daughter of my left ear. It's not quite the same, is it?

The name on my Birth Certificate is Ronald, but only two people in my life ever used that name, my mum and my ex-wife, and if either did I knew I was in trouble.

When our first child was born in 1980, we did not know if it was a boy or a girl (sorry Den,I mean beforehand not afterwards). In those days it was not commonplace to know the sex of your child in advance. I recall, if it was a girl, we were going to call her Chelsea. This was before The Clintons used this one and the name became fairly popular. The doctor was greatly amused by this name and when my son arrived he declared "It's not a Chelsea, it's a Luton Town". Ah, poor old Luton Town, at that time they were playing in the Top Division in England, now they are in The Conference. (I think that doctor must have cursed them)

It's not uncommon to name your children after football players rather than teams. A former colleague of mine had his first son in the 1990s. Unfortunately, he was a mad keen Rangers fan and decided to name his son after the next player to score for his team. In October 1995 that player was Oleg Salenko. If his wife had timed it a bit better (although I appreciate she probably had other things on her mind at the time), he could have been a Paul or a Gordon, but no, he was and still is Oleg McCann

In more recent years we have begun to experience the "celebrity" names and mothers have been leaning out of tenement windows in Glasgow shouting "Kylie, Jason, Britney, yer tea's oot"

Celebrities themselves are not averse to bestowing some strange names to their offspring. I think Zowie Bowie was always my favourite although the Geldofs came close with Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Those girls must have been really good fighters when they were young (even in private schools playgrounds can be hell)

Apparently the Beckhams named their son Brooklyn because that was where he was conceived. I don't see that one catching on in Glasgow, Magaluf McCallum and Butlins Baxter don't quite have the same ring to them and "The Lane at the back of Victoria's Sauchiehall Street" is just too long winded (they would just call her Laney or Vicky anyway)

I leave you this week with my own Top 10 alternative name meanings

1. Ben..........one who brings joy to all
2. Wayne....one who is not short of money
3. Simon......one who is never off the TV
4. Angelina....one who always looks great
5. Bruce.........one who writes and sings great songs
6. Katie..........one who should have been voted off
7. Ricky..........one who scores many runs (hopefully)
8. Kylie..........one who gets better with age
9. Chris..........one who misses open goals (I know, I should really just let it go)
10. Davina.....female equivalent of Simon


.......and if you have a child this week please don't call them Wagner or Treyc

so when you look at me, you better look hard and look twice

So, Young Ben and I decided to go out "guising" last night (none of this American Trick-or Treat nonsense, in Scotland it's still "guising")

We decided to keep it simple and go out dressed as The Proclaimers (mainly because I could not fit in to my Robin costume and he definitely wanted to be Batman). The night went really well and although obviously being the brains and looks of the partnership, Ben did have trouble keeping the glasses on at times and his contribution to "500 Miles" was poor at best.

So he resorted to performing 4'33" by John Cage and he was excellent at this leaving me to be the man who was havering on his own.

It occurred to me on our travels, how times have changed on the Halloween front. Nowadays, you turn up on someone's doorstep wearing a costume and you are instantly given "goodies" without even entering the house. In days gone by (old guy reminiscence coming up), you were invited in and had to earn your rewards in front of an audience by singing a song or telling a joke or swallowing swords or the likes. It also appears that less effort goes into the costumes. Kids turn up in football strips or off-the-peg costumes bought from Asda.

With this in mind, when we returned home we partook in some traditional Scottish Halloween games. We began by "dooking" for apples, which is quite hard when you have no teeth, but I managed anyway. Ben did not so much "dook" as splash for apples but it appears he will be a very good swimmer. We also had a go at dropping the fork from a great height to try and spear the apples but when the fork landed in my foot we abandoned that game.

We then proceeded to the "treacle scones" game where you suspend these on a piece of string and then try to bite them (a game invented by soap powder manufacturers). I have to say this was messy but that outfit was getting too small for Ben anyway

All in all a great evening and I think Ben also quite enjoyed it

I leave you this week with the opening verses from Halloween by Scotland's finest, Rabbie himself

Upon that night, when fairies light
On Cassilis Downans dance,
Or owre the lays, in splendid blaze,
On sprightly coursers prance;
Or for Colean the route is ta'en,
Beneath the moon's pale beams;
There, up the cove, to stray and rove,
Among the rocks and streams
To sport that night.

Among the bonny winding banks,
Where Doon rins, wimplin' clear,
Where Bruce ance ruled the martial ranks,
And shook his Carrick spear,
Some merry, friendly, country-folks,
Together did convene,
To burn their nits, and pou their stocks,
And haud their Halloween
Fu' blithe that night

Roll on next year, I think I might go for Mr Potato Head then and Ben can be Buzz Lightyear


Editors note: In the interests of child safety and so that I do not receive any visits from Child Services or Claire's mum, please note that no grandchildren were harmed in the fabrication of the above article

when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

When I asked Claire and Sean if they needed anything in particular as a present for the new arrival, Claire said I could get them a baby monitor. I thought,really? My recollections of baby monitors from when my kids were born in the 80s were of walkie talkie type gadgets that only really worked if you were in the same room, which rather defeated the purpose of having them in the first place.

But it appears technology has moved on. I believe they even have telephonic apparatus now that does not need to be plugged in to a wall socket and can be taken outside or even in the car with you. I understand they call them carry-about-with-you phones. Seemingly all the kids have them these days.

Anyway I digress, using my extremely limited IT skills I logged on to the Mothercare site in pursuit of a baby monitor and was met with a wondrous array of options that I could not have imagined even in my wildest dreams (I do confess that my wildest dreams do not normally revolve around baby monitors)

I finally settled on the BT Baby Monitor 150 (Mrs D of Derbyshire gave it 5 stars and said it was worth every penny, so that was good enough for me). The Product Information contained the following:

Digital frequency with High Definition Sound...no idea what this means but it sounds impressive
Portable Parent Unit....it's always preferable to have a portable parent
Nightlight....obviously eco friendly
Room Temperature Display...so Mum can have room at exact degree required
Sound Activated Light Display...always reassuring for baby to awake to flashing lights
Volume Control...unfortunately this applies only to the monitor not the baby
Lullaby Player...now we're talking, never mind Twinkle Twinkle, apparently you can plug in your own selection of music to soothe the restless youngster. I have my Born To Run album ready for when I babysit. You are never too young to hear Thunder Road for the first time
Out of Range Indicator....with a 300m maximum range, what size of house do they think we live in?
Rechargeable Batteries on Parent Unit...I think everyone needs those
2-Way Talk-Back to Baby.....Excellent, this means I can keep telling young Ben "Grandpa is the best" whilst still watching the footie in the other room

There were even more elaborate monitors with screens involved but Mrs M from London said she thought the image was very poor and kept changing colour (perhaps she was babysitting a chameleon) so I decided against them. I also had an image of young Ben having X Factor on his screen and and voting to insure Cher remained in the competition. Not sure why he would be watching X Factor when there was football on another channel

Anyway, I need to go now and edit the lullaby tune...

"Twinkle, twinkle little star

Grandpa is the best by far"

...yes, that will do.

Happy monitoring!

if you love somebody enough, then you go where your heart needs to go

I was sad to read recently about the death of soul legend Solomon Burke. I only really became familiar with his work when he was mentioned in one of my favourite books High Fidelity by Nick Hornby and one of his songs "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love" was famously used in The Blues Brothers.
He was 70 years old and apparently he left behind 90 grandchildren. I thought to myself, and now I'm telling you, now that's just being greedy. If he saw each one in turn, one day at a time, he would only have seen each one four times a year and if he very capably sang each one a three minute lullaby every evening it would have taken him four and a half hours.

Both of my grandfathers died in the 1960s when I was fairly young, so my recollections of them are very sketchy at best. My grandmothers, however, both lived until the 1980s and my gran on my mum's side was the second finest woman I ever had the pleasure to meet. She was an absolute gem who continually showed a mental dexterity and a wicked sense of humour which belied her years. I often took friends up to meet her and she would welcome and entertain them as if they were her own grandchildren. Fortunately she passed all her good points on to my mum, who, sadly, also died in the 1980s when my own sons were very young

I believe when you have a child, your relationship with your parents almost immediately changes. The penny drops and there is a realisation that perhaps everything they said and did over the years was not always wrong after all. There is an understanding about responsibility and priorities in life.

My dad revelled in his role as a grandfather. I can remember games of "three-and-in" involving three generations with my dad, his sons and his grandchildren (I nearly said grandsons there, but Janine, the only granddaughter in a dynasty of boys at that time, would always be involved as well). My dad would "sclaff"one in from about a yard out with the words "pick that one out goalie" as he backed further and further away from goal until his effort became a thirty yard thunderbolt which we all heard about many times afterwards.

When my sons were young our family often spent summers down in Rothesay and my two eldest boys became obsessed with the ferry and the vehicles coming on and off. When they saw a ferry approaching they would run down to the pier and count each car off and judge if all the cars waiting would make it on to the ferry.
My dad made both of them a wooden ferry (to scale, not actual size) but with a ramp which could be lowered and raised and they would line their toy cars up all round the skirting board, drive them on to the ferry and transport them across the living room to a place where the sun always shone (that certainly wasn't Rothesay).

At my dad's funeral 3 years ago I related my favourite recollection of him at Rothesay, when, well into his 70s, he hid up a tree in the Skipper Woods, and ambushed my wife and I and the boys as we wandered unsuspectingly through the woods. He had been up there for some time and had already ambushed two old ladies walking their dogs. Now that's what I call a grandpa. I really need to start brushing up on my tree climbing skills.

Seasons come and go, but I will never change and I am on my way

Anyone who knows me will be aware that I have an unfortunate obsession with pop music and can chart the events of my life by songs that were popular at any given particular time.

With this in mind my new favourite song has just become "Written in the Stars" by Tinie Tempah (featuring Eric Turner) as this was number 1 in the charts on the day young Ben was born. Let me admit that I am no connoisseur of Mr Tempah's music but it could have been worse. I have a friend, who, for my 50th birthday, made me a compilation set of every song that had ever been number 1 on my birthday (you are thinking "that's a lot of songs" but you should have seen the set he did for Methuselah's 950th....even Cher and Tina Turner were still having hits when "Methie" was a boy).
Anyway, I digress, The Gods Of Music did not shine kindly on me, their devoted follower. In my Birthday Compilation Set I have such classics as Barbados (75), You're The One That I Want (78), Lady In Red (86), Turtle Power (90) and just to rub salt in the already gaping wounds, number 1 on my 50th was Thunderbirds by Busted. I have to go way back for any redeeming tunes such as Help(65), San Francisco(67) and School's Out(72). As Confucius once said, You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your Birthday Number 1s (unless you are very rich and buy enough copies to make a song you like number 1 on your birthday)

On the day I was married there were 2 number 1s.........When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman by Doctor Hook (which is exactly the kind of song you are looking for on that particular day) and One Day At A Time by Lena Martell (let's just leave that one there)

My eldest son Denis has Super Trouper by Abba as his day 1 song and at least it does mention Glasgow in the lyrics. My youngest Dean has The Final Countdown by Europe. It could have been much worse. When you are born 2 weeks before Christmas you are likely to inherit some very bad festive tunes or even worse Cliff Richard. I guess, these days, you are almost certain to have an X Factor Winner.

The new father Sean has House of Fun by Madness as his Day 1 song, which has always been appropriate and hopefully will continue to be so. I have discovered that on the day new mum Claire was born Rick Astley was at number 1 with Never Gonna Give You Up (Ah, those wonderful 80s, what a special time for music)

I have already completed young Ben's first mix-tape (are they still called mix tapes when they are on disc?) and anyone lucky enough to have received one of my compilations over the years will know there are certain givens in my mixes. They have to include at least one song each by Springsteen, Dylan and Stevie Wonder. This has caused some problems over the years. It's not easy to fit Like A Rolling Stone into a "Soul" mix. There is also a fair chance there will be some extremely contrived links if there is a specific theme to the mix. There should be 15 songs in the mix. We should all be famous for 15.

Anyway here is the first "New Grandson Ben" mix (I need to give the title some thought before the next one)

1. Written In The Stars...............Tinie Tempah
2. Ben................................Michael Jackson
3. You Are The Sunshine Of My Life....Stevie Wonder
4. Stand By Me........................Ben E King
5. House Of Fun.......................Madness
6. Never Gonna Give You Up............Rick Astley
7. Baby You're A Rich Man.............The Beatles
8. Tiny Dancer........................Ben Folds
9. Diamonds On The Inside.............Ben Harper
10.Lullaby............................Shawn Mullins
11.Oh, Very Young.....................Cat Stevens
12.Claire.............................Gilbert O'Sullivan
13.Forever Young......................Bob Dylan
14.Beautiful Boy......................John Lennon
15.If I Should Fall Behind............Bruce Springsteen

Enjoy! You will all be listening to it soon

if you ever look behind, and don't like what you find

At 11.27 yesterday morning I was a 56 year old, unemployed, overweight, divorced, Ayr United supporting father of 3 grown up sons, living on my own.

At 11.28 yesterday morning I became a grandfather for the first time.

ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL!

An 8lb 8oz baby boy arrived to my son Sean and his lovely partner Claire.

I have tried to explain to my son that this little bundle of wonder has now become (and forever will be) the most important person in his life. He may have further children who will become equally important but no-one and nothing in this world will ever be more important.

The baby is to be called Ben, not short for Benjamin or Benedict or Benito, just Ben. I like it. In our family, we don't much go in for protracted first names, my sons are Denis (who is called Den), Sean and Dean so having an e and an n in there seems to be keeping up tradition, and not overusing the alphabet. I had thrown Dexter into the baby naming hat but that one fell on stoney ground (no n in it, too long and something about a serial killer not being a great role model)

I looked up other less famous Ben's to see what he has to live up to, so here is my Top 10 Famous Ben's List

1. Ben...................my grandson

2. Ben Affleck.....star of such great movies as Good Will Hunting and...eh, that's about it

3. Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's....makes ice cream so will probably be my grandson's favourite Ben

4. Ben Nevis.......Tall, rugged, Scottish......what's not to like

5. Ben Roethlisberger.....Pittsburgh Steelers QB with 2 Superbowl wins, currently suspended for off field actions

6. Ben Stiller.....star of such hilarious movies as There's Something About Mary and.......I'll come back to you on this

7. Big Ben....famous London landmark...and yes I know Big Ben actually refers to the bell of the clock

8. Uncle Ben......his rice is very quick and efficient

9. Ben Johnson.....took drugs, ran fast, won medal, failed drugs test, lost medal

10. Ben Elton.....really starting to struggle a bit on the famous Ben front now (I have not included Mr Franklin or Mr Netanyahu as I consider them as Benjamins)

This has been day 1 of my ramblings on my new grandson. Hopefully there will be many more to follow