I couldn't quote you no Dickens, Shelley or Keats, cause it's all been said before

As a precursor to next week's review of 2011, this week I give you my pictorial review of the year

The Libyan X-Factor Auditions prove to be somewhat tricky

.....and the prize for most difficult paper-boy delivery route of the year goes to.....

Meanwhile at the annual Rhino Bungee Jumping Championships in Kenya

A rolling stone may gather no moss but it can make a nasty large hole right through the middle of your house

After the success of The Cube here is the latest game show from the BBC. Can you escape from The Prism?

The Japanese Giants' game of Container Jenga did not end well

The defensive tactics of The Chilean Police Team were not popular with the fans at The World Paintball Championships

"No darling, I said I would like a house BY the sea"

Most of the first dates she had been on before had only involved dinner and a movie

The new trial run for Perfume Testers was not going too well

Suddenly those silly looking helmets did not seem like such a bad idea

Let's end on a high point. The star of the year in reflective mood

See you all in The New Year

It was the only thing that I could do half right and it's turning out all wrong ma

So, Young Ben and I had a disagreement the other day. He asked me if I wanted to listen to his new CD of Little Mix singing Cannonball and I said I would rather he poked me in the eye with a sharp stick. Fortunately his mum does not allow him to play with sharp sticks so he had to make do with his finger

For years now The X Factor and it's predecessors and contemporaries have given a stage for glorified Karaoke singers to 'butcher' classic songs but this year they have surpassed themselves by  allowing the wonderful 'Cannonball' by one of my favourite artists Damien Rice to be released as the winner's single by Pick'n'Mix

I thought they had reached their nadir with 'Hallelujah' a couple of years ago but this year even tops that. Former talent show winner Will Young has single-handedly assassinated Evergreen, Light My Fire, The Long and Winding Road (this one assisted by Gareth Gates) and most recently Come On which I recall as being the theme tune to the excellent TV series 'Rescue Me'

Last year I had the misfortune to witness Storm perform 'Born to Run' which was an all time low at that time but week after week perfectly good songs are tortured by singers who would not make you sit up and take notice if they were singing in your local pub

Even the professionals have a habit of covering songs which should really just be left alone. I give you my Top 10 Worst Covers (not including Talent Show Winners)

1. American Pie....Madonna......I guess she thought because she is Madonna she can sing any song she wants, but to cover the Don McLean classic was a big mistake

2. Father and Son....Boyzone....Cat Stevens was a favourite of mine when I was growing up and did not deserve for this to happen to probably his best song

3. The Man Who Sold The World....Lulu....no explanation required

4. Dock of the Bay....Michael Bolton....poor Otis must be spinning in his grave

5. Blinded by the Light....Manfred Mann's Earthband...Golden Rule of Music No 1...Don't cover Springsteen...he does it best

6. Behind Blue Eyes...Limp Bizkit....strange choice of cover from a strange band

7. Under the Boardwalk....Bruce Willis...Brucie you are much better suited to being Up on the Roof of the Nakatomi Plaza and leave the singing to The Drifters

8. Itchycoo Park...M People...I must admit to not being a fan of M People and this version of a 60s classic did nothing to change my mind

9. Without You......Maria Carey.....Loved the original hit by Nilsson (although admittedly not written by him)....hated this

10. Baby Can I Hold You....Boyzone...Ronan and the boys are at it again, this time Tracy Chapman is the victim


Occasionally a cover comes along which does the original justice so as a balance I give you my Top 10 Best Covers

1. All Along the Watchtower...Jimi Hendrix....I am a huge Dylan fan but Hendrix took this song to a whole new level

2. Hurt....Johnny Cash.....this Nine Inch Nails song could have been written for Mr Cash. Incredible performance

3. Jersey Girl....Springsteen...to misquote Mr Orwell...Tom Waits good..Springsteen better

4. Romeo and Juliet...The Killers....loved the original by Dire Straits but Brandon gives his all on this one

5. My Way..The Sex Pistols....I have always considered this a pretentious song and Sid Vicious gives it the treatment it deserves

6. Ruby Tuesday....Melanie....hard to better The Stones but my dad was a fan of Melanie so she makes the list (and it is an excellent version)

7. Live and Let Die...Guns n' Roses....my sons were into them for a while when they were young and this one grew on me

8. I Will Always Love You...Whitney Houston....sorry Dolly but Whitney gets my vote here. I need to watch The Bodyguard again soon

9. I Fought the Law....The Clash...the late 50s song by The Crickets seemed more appropriate for Thatcher's late 70s Britain

10. Tainted Love...Soft Cell ...Marc Almond turned this 60s soul song into an 80s classic which still sounds good thirty years on


Right, I am off to wrap some presents while I still have one good eye left before Ben finds his dad's Westlife CD

Say now, baby, I'm the rank outsider, you can be my partner in crime

As Young Ben and I were writing our letters to Santa I wondered how long it would be before the dreaded Computer Games became part of his list replacing the likes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Multi-storey car garage and Pirate Ship. Strangely the Pirate Ship was also on my list and second only to Natascha McElhone from Californication. I believe Little Mix were top of Ben's List

Fortunately I have managed to avoid most Computer Games over the years and not been subjected to Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, Halo or Grand Theft Auto

I remember in the very early years playing 'PONG' which seemed like a revelation at the time and then moving on to Sega/Atari where I did enjoy Tetris for a while and the wonderful Space Invaders

There was also the strange game of 'Duck Hunt' with the hand held light gun which seemed so innovative at the time

My mate still has an old console for 'Blockbusters' and 'Jeopardy' which are still hugely entertaining after a few beers. "Can I have a P please, Bob"
Ah, it never fails

My own sons were never greatly into Computer Games other than the odd sports related ones like Madden NFL or Championship Manager

I do recall playing Thundercats with them however and growing increasingly frustrated as I failed to make it past Level 1 while they would be on Level 7 or thereabouts

Super Mario and Sonic made brief appearances but that was mainly on the hand held Game Boys which did prove extremely useful on long flights to The States when the boys were young

There was also a football game which required very little input which churned out your team's scores in the style of the old Teleprinter that used to be seen on Grandstand when you had the strange sight of groups of men staring through TV Rental stores' windows at 4.40 pm on a Saturday night looking for their team's score that day. I worked in Retail at that time and would sneak out for ten minutes every week to see who Ayr or Sunderland had lost to that week. Anyway in this game you watched your team's results for the whole season. I recall my eldest son and I were obsessed with this game for a while

I also passed on my addiction to 'Wembley' to him. I had this when I was young. It consisted of 32 teams (8 1st Division, 8 Second and 16 Third/Fourth as they were then) with different coloured dice to determine your score depending upon which division you were in and if you were home or away(these were not normal 1-6 numbered dice but had zeros on them)  Just to give the opportunity of a Cup shock however, the 3/4 Division dice (blue home/white away) were the only ones which had a 5 on them. Manchester United 4 Darlington 5 was not really the score you were looking for unless of course The Quakers were one of your teams

I did not like the restrictions of the FA Cup, however and adjusted the cards to allow for the Scottish Cup, European Cup and World Cup so you could have Liverpool/Celtic/Real Madrid/Brazil playing Hartlepool/Stranraer/Nandori Tirana/Scotland although you had to be careful to avoid any crossovers where Hartlepool beat Brazil

Occasionally if one of the teams playing Ayr or Sunderland rolled a 5 you could always say the dice 'slipped' or that it wasn't a proper roll and roll again until a 0 appeared. It was strange how often a 0 appeared when Kilmarnock or N******** United were playing

When we used to go on holiday abroad my sons would often take some toys with them.

I recall when the WWF (Wrestling not Wildlife) was all the rage first time around my sons would take all their wrestlers and a ring and have a 'Royal Rumble' by the poolside.

Often figures from other genres were included and there could be tag matches with The Undertaker and Optimus Prime fighting He-Man and The Fat Controller

On one occasion The Ultimate Warrior met Barbie in the Final. No-one owned up to knowing how Barbie came to find herself amongst all those male combatants but the wrestlers seemed happy enough about it although she did make Optimus Prime transform into a Mini Cooper Cabriolet

On one holiday in Spain we lost 'Trap-jaw'.  During a fierce battle on the beach he was somehow separated from his colleagues and missed roll-call when it was time for dinner.

Once we noticed he was missing we sent out search parties and put up posters all round the hotel but alas he was never seen again. He may still be buried in the sand awaiting some future generation to unearth him as a major find.

I like to think he was washed out to sea and made his way across the Mediterranean to North Africa where he joined the Foreign Legion and took part in Beau Geste type adventures
We salute you 'Trappie'. You were a true hero.

Right, where is that old box with Wembley in it. I wonder if Young Ben wants to assist me in some totally unbiased Sunderland and Ayr Cup victories. He doesn't know what a 5 looks like anyway and he knows his Grandpa never lies. Unfortunately he probably already knows that Sunderland and Ayr don't win cups. Or we could just have a Cage Fight with Mickey Mouse and Tigger. My money's on Tigger

You brought me joy I never knew, feels like a new beginning. My life is complete now that I've found you

So, following the departure of Steve Bruce last week, Young Ben and I both sent off our CVs
to The Stadium of Light but apparently the powers that be have elected for what they see as a safer option in Martin O'Neill

I have been a Sunderland fan since the early 70s after I moved from Ayr to the North-East with my mum and dad. Since that time I have followed them through the mediums and the  lows. In that time they have had 24 managers (including caretaker managers) with Peter Reid surviving the longest. He was there for over 7 years which is a lifetime by Sunderland standards

I believe part of my problem was that I was spoiled early on in my Sunderland relationship when they won the FA Cup in 1973. Unfortunately I was not there to see it but I did see Sunderland beat  Manchester City 3-1 in the Fifth Round Replay in a match which Sunderland fans voted the greatest game ever at Roker Park. The City team included Bell, Lee and Marsh and I still recall Marsh controlling a ball which fell out of the cold, wet sky like a stone and making it look effortless

In those early years I travelled to see Sunderland in exotic locations like Stoke, Mansfield, Hull, Oldham and Bolton. I recall one time leaving the local pub on a Friday night just as the Supporters bus was setting off for London as Sunderland were playing Fulham on the Saturday. What seemed like a good idea at the time was not quite so appealing when you wake up on a bus in London with a stiff neck and a hangover. I believe the game finished 3-3 and George Best played for Fulham that day. I was certainly not at my best


I was also in Liverpool on that fateful night in 1977 when Sunderland lost 2-0 to Everton and were relegated. This was due to the fact that on the same night Coventry and Bristol City played out a 2-2 draw which saved both teams from going down. They also contrived to kick off later than Sunderland so they knew exactly what was required from their game. Even so many years on this one still hurts. It is no wonder I am not a fan of Jimmy Hill
　
　
There were also some good times. In 1980 I was there when Sunderland beat West Ham 2-0 to gain promotion. I recall my then wife was at the game with me and read a book throughout. Venus..indeed!
　
　
During the 80s Sunderland appointed high profile manager Lawrie McMenemy to take them out of the Second Division. He succeeded by getting us relegated to the Third for an all-time low in my lifetime
　
　
In 1990 I witnessed my favourite Sunderland game when we won 2-0 away to Newcastle in the Play-off Semi-finals but the euphoria was short lived as I saw us lose 1-0 to Swindon in the Play-off Final at Wembley in a very poor game
　
　
In 1998 I was back at Wembley with my son as Sunderland lost another Play-off Final, this time on penalties after a 4-4 draw with Charlton in what is widely considered the best game ever at Wembley. Not by me, let me add. Oh Micky...I could have saved that penalty
　
　
That was the era of Peter Reid when with Kevin Phillips and Niall Quinn we enjoyed some entertaining games. It was after the dismissal of Reid in October 2002 that I recall my son phoning me, as I driving back up the M6 from a store in Walsall or the likes, and informing me that Sunderland had appointed Howard Wilkinson as their new manager. That was a bad call....both for me and for Sunderland. Howard Wilkinson....really? I would have liked to see the list of people they passed on as being less capable than Howard Wilkinson. Howard did not let me down. He lasted less than six months and won 4 games out of 27

In 2004 we made the semi-finals of the FA Cup and my son and I made the trip to Old Trafford for the game against Millwall. A friend had managed to get us seats in a hospitality box. Unfortunately he did not realise the box was behind the goal where the Millwall fans were situated and we were sharing the box with a family of Millwall supporters. Sunderland lost 1-0. Again not one of our better days out. Now that I think of it, the friend who got us the tickets is a Middlesbrough fan so maybe that was his plan all along
　
　
More recent times have seen us spend a fair time in the Premier League. Unfortunately the one season I actually had a Season Ticket was in 2005/06 when we finished bottom with a record low of 15 points and only 3 wins. Lucky white heather or what?
　
　
I was happy with the appointment of Steve Bruce at the time but for a man who played centre-half for Manchester United his defensive organisational skills are strangely lacking and when he lost to rivals N******** United in our first home game of the season he was careering down a very slippery slope with no crampons. The loss of Bent, Henderson and Gyan at crucial times certainly did not help him but now we turn to Martin O'Neill as our latest saviour
　
　
I wish him the best of luck. I would like to take Young Ben to Wembley to see Sunderland in my lifetime but I would prefer it was in the Cup Final rather than another Play-off Final

I met my old lover on the street last night,she seemed so glad to see me I just smiled and we talked about some old times and we drank ourselves some beers

So, I was in the Barbers last week and when he had finished the nice Middle-Eastern gentleman asked me if I was due a Concession Rate. For what I thought. Being overweight? Being a fan of Ayr United and Sunderland? Watching Grey's Anatomy?

But no, apparently he thought I was old enough to qualify for OAP Rates. Shocked! I nearly left without my Zimmer Frame. That's the last time he gets a 50p tip


And so it dawned on me that I was getting old. I cannot even blame the grey hair. I have had that since my Thirties (that's when I was in my Thirties not the 1930s). Marriage, children, supporting aforementioned football teams is enough to turn Kojak grey but I told myself it made me look dignified, although the curly perm didn't help

When I started to give the matter some thought I discovered that all the signs were there. I stopped listening to Radio 1 years ago but now I have even moved on from Radio 2 to Smooth Radio where Michael Buble is considered raunchy. There is a show on in the morning where they play songs from a particular year gone by and you have to guess the year. I find the older the year the easier to remember. Music from the 60s and 70s I recognise immediately but the 90' and 2000s are a bit of a blur musically speaking.

If I hear 'Needles and Pins' by the Searchers I think...1964  that's the song that was playing when Sandra knocked me back at the Primary School Disco......'I Heard it Through the Grapevine'-Marvin Gaye 1969..that's the song that was playing when Morag knocked me back at the Secondary School disco.....'I'm Still Waiting' (oddly appropriate)--Dianna Ross 1971...that's the song that was playing when Linda knocked me back at the Cement Works Disco...'Telegram Sam'--T.Rex 1972..that's the song that was playing when Linda knocked me back at the Cement Works Disco....'Tie a Yellow Ribbon'--Dawn 1973..that's the song that was number 1 when Sunderland won the FA Cup and I think Linda may have knocked me back at the Cement Works Disco

Football was proper football back in those days. None of your celebrity nonsense. Back then it was all about the football. True professionals who only cared about the game. You never read any bad press for stars like George Best, Stan Bowles or Frank Worthington. True paragons of virtue all of them and they could all play a bit. My favourite quote attributed to Georgie was "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." Ah, if only JT had a modicum of Mr Best's style

As you get older you start talking about the price of everyday items as well. A Mars Bar....45p...that's nearly 10 Shillings in real money..imagine giving a ten bob note for a bar of chocolate  and nowadays people save by putting £1 coins in jars. I remember when I was young collecting Ship Halfpennies.....boy, that was fun

When I was babysitting last week I did take my slippers with me which does not do a lot for my case but I know I cannot be that old after all Methusela was at least two years above me at school. I have noticed however that people start calling me 'Sir' which never used to happen and at the football the other week a young chap called me 'auld yin'. I nearly boxed the young whippersnapper's ears

Also nearly every new movie or TV programme I read about these days is a remake of one from the 60s or 70s. I read they are currently doing a remake of The Sweeney which I really liked first time around and which obviously now has Ray Winstone in it. I cannot say I am looking forward to that and a new version of Charlie's Angels has been cancelled after one series. It was bad enough the first time round without subjecting us to it again. I did watch the recent Hawaii Five-O series but I thought the best thing about it was that they kept the original signature tune, although the scenery really made me want to visit Hawaii

I believe there is yet hope for me. I have not as yet started visiting local Garden Centres or joined the nearest Bowling Club and I still do not watch Bargain Hunt. I have noticed that my moniker to the outside world has now changed. For years I have been known as 'Den's Dad' or 'Sean's Dad' or 'Dean's Dad' but now I have progressed to 'Ben's Grandpa'. Now that I can definitely live with.

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Songs about growing old

1. The Way We Were...............Barbara Streisand
2. (Just Like) Starting Over........John Lennon
3. Old Man...............................Neil Young
4. Going Back...........................Dusty Springfield
5. All Things Must Pass.............George Harrison
6. It Was A Very Good Year....Frank Sinatra
7. Forever Young......................Bob Dylan
8. When You Were Young........The Killers
9. Glory Days...........................Bruce Springsteen
10 Old Friends.........................Simon and Garfunkel

Now where did I leave my hot water bottle?

An angel whispers my name,but the message relayed is the same:“Wait till tomorrow,you'll be fine."

So Young Ben had his first real injury last week. Fortunately just a bump on the head and a cut lip so nothing too serious unless you happen to be Glen Campbell in True Grit

He has just recently started walking and uses his home as a bit of a race track pushing anything he can around the place at a great rate of knots but the corner in the hall is a bit of a hairpin bend and can prove tricky in the wet


It reminded me that when my kids were young we seemed to have a season ticket for the local A & E. They seemed to be always crashing bikes or falling out of trees or mistiming their parachute landings. I recall the staff would put their mother and I in separate rooms (always a good idea anyway) and check our stories to make sure I had not thrown them out of a tree (as if I could have got up there in the first place)

When Ben's Dad and I were discussing Ben's injury he reminded me of the time he hurt his arm playing footie with me at the park. He was in goal and I was taking a penalty. I gave it some extreme 'welly' but somehow he managed to get his wrist to it which caused him some discomfort. I did slot home the rebound as he writhed about in agony (it was a crucial point of our game) In any case his arm was not broken and personally I think the sling made him a hit with the girls at school anyway. They don't teach that kind of parenting in books. Character building is what my dad would have called it although obviously I would not let my dad take such an important penalty

I recall the first time Ben's Dad had to have stitches. He had an altercation with a young lady (definitely a sign of times to follow), but this particular young lady was older and bigger than he was and pushed him over and he split the back of his head open on the pavement. As all the king's horses and all the king's men were otherwise engaged I took him to hospital where they stitched his head. I know he strongly disagrees but I still feel those stitches hurt me more than they hurt him


My eldest son saved his major injury for his teens when in his wisdom, he and his friends decided to go to a party in Kilwinning. Kilwinning is the kind of place where your sister and your wife are one and the same person and Duelling Banjos is considered highbrow. Anyway he happened to say the wrong thing like"Hello" and ended up with severe bruising and a broken arm. The silver lining was that he has never been back to Kilwinning

My youngest son managed to break his arm jumping over a settee in his Gran's house. His landing technique was poor despite hours of practice. I recall his uncle was being married the next day and we have a photo of my sons and I resplendent in our kilts complete with 'stookie' on his arm

He saved his major injury until much later when he had a disagreement with a fence soon after passing his Driving Test. I recall arriving at the scene, seeing the state of the car and then seeing my son in the back of the ambulance with what seemed to be blood everywhere. I think it was the worst moment of my life. Fortunately it looked much worse than it was and he escaped with stitches to his arm and a good story to tell

In my own childhood I recall an instance when I was fairly young and I was attempting to reach something at high level in a friend's garage. There were some metal buckets handy and obviously the logical thing to do was balance the large bucket on top of the small one. In the words of my late father "I came a cropper" and managed to smash my nose of the rim of one of the aforementioned buckets. Stitches in your nose is never a good look but when the doctor decides to tie them off in a bow you end up like Clarence The Cross-Eyed Lion after a day or two

In my mid teens I went on a school trip to Switzerland. In our hotel they decided to house the boys and girls in different wings of the hotel separated by a common room and patrols akin to The Berlin Wall. Undeterred and probably under the influence of a bottle of local wine (Chateau Toblerone 1968) I managed to sneak into the room of a girl with whom I was smitten. She was less than thrilled and promptly ushered me out of the window. This was not a major problem as the room was on the ground floor but alas in the dark I failed to spots the stairs leading down to the cellar as I leaped (I may have been pushed) into the unknown.

It was not until the next day when I had problems putting on my shoe that it was discovered I had broken my ankle. I must say Swiss Hospitals are first class and the doctor placed a pin in my ankle to be removed once the bone had healed. The scar left by the Swiss was barely visible (I know they have a high reputation for knives and cuckoo clocks) but when they opened me up in Scotland some time later to remove the metal pin they left a scar which would have made Al Pacino proud had he made the movie 'Scarfoot'

I had to stay behind in hospital in Switzerland as they had my foot in a raised harness rather than plaster and one teacher had to stay to make the journey home with me when I was ready. Drawing the shortest of short straws I was left with Mr Bone who strangely taught Chemistry and Religious Education and had the somewhat irreverent nickname of 'Jesus' Bone. I recall we used to sing a song about him to the tune of 'Casey Jones' which under Blasphemy Laws I would prefer not to repeat here suffice to say there was mention of a Biblical Express.

The long trip home by rail and road and sea in the company of 'Je.....' sorry Mr Bone convinced me never to drink wine again and to stay away from girls' bedrooms

I will be passing some of this wisdom on to Young Ben. He is too young for wine anyway. After all he is not French.

Hopefully when he makes his first leap from a tree I will be there to cushion his fall. I believe that is what Grandpas are for

I catch him when he's strayin' like any brother would, man turns his back on his family well he just aint no good

So today is my brother’s birthday. As Elton says he is ‘older than me’. I guess whether you are 10, 20 or 50+ your big brother is always your big brother and someone you look up to.

Growing up in Ayr in the 60s I was fortunate to have two older brothers that ticked all the boxes. They wore cool clothes, they had cool haircuts, they listened to cool music, but most importantly they had cool girlfriends

Also they were seldom embarrassed (or they hid it well) to have their little brother tagging along and hanging on their every word.

My eldest brother went over to the dark side for a while and started supporting Kilmarnock but my other brother was an Ayr United fan like myself and would often drive to away games with his pals and would take me with him.

Since rugby was the sport of choice at Ayr Academy and we had arrived in Ayr after a spell in South Africa my brother was christened ‘Springer’ by his mates. His close friends were not so fortunate. Fraser, who I still see at Ayr games, broke his leg and walked with a limp for a while. He was labelled with ‘Chester’ after the rather hapless character in Gunsmoke, who seemed to spend most of his time saying “I’m a-comin’ Mr Dillon” and Alan who had somewhat large feet  was known as ‘Froggy’. I remember seeing him years later when we were both with our families and I could not remember his real name but could not bring myself to call a 40 year old man ‘Froggy’ in front of his wife and children

Anyway I recall on one of our away days to see Ayr against the mighty East Stirling our left winger (in those days we had left wingers) Arthur Patterson had an altercation with a fan. Whilst taking a throw-in Athur was manhandled from behind by a fan and took exception to this. This was particularly out of character for Arthur who was such a gentleman you wouldn’t have been surprised if he wore a tie over his strip. He even had his own song as the fans would sing (to the tune of Flipper)…”they call him Arthur, Arthur, faster than lightning………..”. This incident and a great 2-0 victory gave us plenty to talk about on our way home (or in my case listen to and add the odd grunt of agreement from time to time)

My brother always kept a watchful eye over me. I recall one time he noticed something I had written on a billboard not far from our home and politely suggested that I remove it before my father happened to see it. As was the norm I took his advice and acted swiftly to erase my misdemeanour

I  remember one time when I was about 14 or 15 and I was having a party at my house. It was one of those parties where there were the exact same number of girls and boys invited. Well, two of the girls didn’t turn up and obviously one of them was supposed to be my partner for the evening. My brother took me in my dad’s car and drove round half of Ayr till we found them (sounds a bit creepy and sad now). There had been some misunderstanding (or a better offer) and they were only too pleased to be driven to the party in a car with my brother. I would like to say that was the start of a long relationship but alas even my cool brother could not swing that one for me

In 1977 I enjoyed my finest ever night at a football match when accompanied by my brothers and the aforementioned Fraser we witnessed Scotland beat Wales 2-0 in Liverpool and had a rare old celebration afterwards. By that time I was in my twenties but like my sons today, my brothers and I always had a great time when we got together

We also saw Scotland draw 1-1 with Wales in Cardiff in 1985 but the news of the death of Jock Stein that night meant there were no celebrations on that occasion

Wales have been drawn in the same section as Scotland in the Qualifying Groups for the next World Cup. Maybe we will have another chance to enjoy a trip down there once again before we all get too old for it

Given that my brother’s birthday is on the 13^th I leave you this week with a Top 13 Songs which remind me of growing up in Ayr and listening to his musical choices

1. Return To Sender……………………….Elvis Presley
2. I Close My Eyes And Count To Ten……Dusty Springfield
3. Another Saturday Night…………………..Sam Cooke
4. It’s All Over Now……………………….The Rolling Stones
5. If I Fell…………………………………...The Beatles
6. It’s Over…………………………………..Roy Orbison
7. Halfway To Paradise………………………Billy Fury
8. Everyday…………………………………..Buddy Holly
9. Out Of Time………………………………Chris Farlowe
10. As Usual…………………………………..Brenda Lee
11. Walkin’ Back To Happiness………………Helen Shapiro
12. Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye……Leonard Cohen
13. Pourquoi Cet Amour………………………Johnny Hallyday

Most of these artists have gone on to also be favourites of mine, with perhaps the exception of Monsieur Hallyday, whose Gallic charm somewhat escapes me but then I have never been as keen a Francophile as my brother. Notwithstanding I do always cheer them on against England (actually I cheer almost anyone on against England) and Zinedine Zidane is the finest footballer I have ever seen live

Anyway Bon Anniversaire mon frere. Meilleurs voeux! A Bientot!

ps I was sad to read of the death of Joe Frazier this week. I have never been a great fan of boxing but back in the days of Ali, Smokin' Joe, Norton and Foreman being Heavyweight Champion of the world had a certain aura to it and they commanded a respect which is sadly lacking in the fighters of today

You made me forget myself, I thought I was someone else, someone good

So Young Ben and I spent a full day together yesterday whilst his mum and dad were otherwise engaged. This meant I had to forego the excitement of my team Ayr United losing 1-0 at home to Morton so double bonus there.

After a trip to the park in the morning which tired out his old grandpa (I really should have had a nap when he did but it is quite difficult pushing a buggie whilst asleep and he decided to wait until we were homeward bound before nodding off) we settled down in the afternoon to work through the vast array of toys he received for his birthday
He has a rocking horse which is actually a rocking caterpillar, a bouncy horse which may be a zebra and a new bike which is such an amazing contraption that it doubles as a buggie, chariot, small condo, taxi, time machine and Optimus Prime

Unfortunately I am too big for any of these so we played with his Animuddles




These are a triumvirate of duck, cow and sheep. When you have the correct top and bottom halves together they make the appropriate sounds. However if you happen to join the bottom half of Mr Duck with the top half of Mr Cow you hear a strange combined quacking and mooing sound. I must admit I find these strange hybrids somewhat disconcerting






Ben has a habit, which reflects how much time his mum and dad spend on their mobile phones, of using whatever toy is at hand as a phone. It is not uncommon to see him discussing the events of the day with a hippo or a hammer pressed to his ear. I should stress here that this is a plastic hammer as unless Ben takes his DIY skills from his mum's side of the family he would not know what to do with a hammer, other than smash things that he should not be smashing

Then came the big indoor footie match. Ben won the toss and had first pick and immediately went for his musical Octopus who proved to be an outstanding goalkeeper given his additional limbs. My first pick was Tigger whose back flips although hugely entertaining failed to produce much of an end result. My major mistake however was to pair the Penguins in my central midfield. Their lack of mobility proved costly as Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck in Ben's midfield ran rings round them and provided a constant supply of chances to the deadly Barney up front

By the time Mr Oinking Pig had been sent off for my team for foul and abusive grunting it was all over and we adjourned for juice and biscuits. I claimed that I lost 4-2 but Ben said the score was 37-1 which may have been closer to the truth. I am looking to sign Buzz Lightyear and Mr Potato Head before our next encounter

The Penguins have been signed up by Ayr United. Despite their obvious limitations they will be a vast improvement on our present incumbents in centre midfield




My favourite toy of Ben's at the moment is his Elephant Musical Jungle Ball Shoot Chute Thing although I doubt that is how Fisher Price market it. Basically the balls shoot out the hole in the top and then run down the chute into the elephant's trunk and the process is repeated. However Ben has discovered that if you drop anything small enough (Mr Hippo does not fit) down the funnel it will come popping back up again. He now does this with his dummy and tries to catch it in his mouth as it shoots out the top again. I am convinced that if this was an Olympic Sport Ben would win Gold in London next year although obviously by that time he would be far too old for a dummy

As we settled down on the couch to read about Spot's Noisy Day and Young Ben pressed a bus to his ear and called his mum, I knew that I would sleep well that night and was already looking forward to our next adventure

You look like an angel, walk like an angel, talk like an angel, but I got wise

Well it's that time of the year again. Young Ben and I used our extra hour last night to discuss our costumes for tomorrow night.

I plan to go as the new Old Spice Man. I think I have all the bases covered, I just need to find a horse from somewhere.

Ben wants to go as a pirate which should be easy since he hasn't taken his costume off since his party and that fake tatoo isn't proving so fake after all.

I told him he could stick a knife in a box of Corn Flakes and go as a cereal killer but he told me his mum does not let him play with Corn Flakes

As part of my Blog research this week (and by research I mean ripping off other people's Blogs) I came across some extremely inappropriate Halloween costumes for kids

Some of these were just tacky like the Village People and Baby Pimp costumes

But then there were the downright offensive. I do not consider myself a prude but a black slave costume, REALLY?

This reminds me of the Family Guy episode where Chris comes downstairs with his face blacked out to go trick-or-treating as Bill Cosby and his mum says  "Chris, you can't just walk around in blackface. It's racist. Now go upstairs and put on that Indian chief costume I bought you".

And then we have the winner of the bad taste costumes.....the suicide bomber. What kind of person sends their son out dressed like this as a joke

I then looked at Halloween scenes from the movies, particularly those which were not just meant to scare us.
Here is my Top 5

1. ET.............our lovable little alien wants to fix the wound caused by the fake knife through Michael's head and then meets Yoda in the street. Brilliant! I cannot wait until Ben is old enough to watch ET. I hate crying on my own
2. The Karate Kid.....Daniel-san goes to the fancy dress party dressed as a shower but still falls foul of the nasty Cobra Kai (this is the original 1984 version. I have not seen the recent remake)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird......Scout and Jem are saved by the mysterious Boo Radley
4. Donnie Darko......................strange movie....creepy rabbit.....nuff said
5. Halloween.............any scene with Jamie Lee Curtis is a good scene in my book

I leave you this week with my Top 10 Halloween related songs

1. Thriller.......................Michael Jackson (probably the best music video ever made)
2. Monster Mash....................Bobby 'Boris' Pickett
3. Le Freak............................Chic
4. (Don't Fear) The Reaper.......Blue Oyster Cult
5. Halloween............................Sonic Youth
6. Devil In Disguise...................Elvis Presley
7. There's A Ghost In My House...R Dean Taylor
8. I Put A Spell On You................Screamin' Jay Hawkins
9. Bad Moon Rising......................Creedence Clearwater Revival
10. She's Not There.....................The Zombies

I hope you appreciate that I refrained from including one of my all time favourite songs Disguise In Love With You by Herb Alpert

Anyway ' a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse' . Otherwise I will have to dig out the Mr Blobby costume once again (hope it still fits)

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

WOW!

For a man who likes his sport, today has been a bit special.

I forewent my morning jog today to settle down with my cereal to watch The Rugby World Cup Final and it certainly did not disappoint. I have been following the tournament since it kicked off what seems like months ago, have watched all the big matches, seen Scotland robbed by Argentina and  fall just short against England, watched a very poor England lose to France (Allez les Bleus!), failed to understand how Australia managed to win against South Africa and then enjoyed the All Blacks demolition of The Aussies in the semis, but today was just something else.

In a titanic struggle the French gave absolutely everything but the All Blacks survived and ended 24 years of pain. They were without doubt the outstanding team of the tournament and dealt admirably with the weighty expectations of such a Rugby obsessed nation. They also dealt with not only the loss of possibly the best player in the world in Dan Carter, but by the end of the final were fielding their fourth choice fly half Stephen Donald, who just for good measure kicked what proved to be the winning penalty. They were led by the incomparable Richie McCaw, the epitome of a living legend. New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is quoted as having said that he had a dream that Richie McCaw would lift the World Cup and then stand as leader of the opposition to him in the forthcoming elections. I think that would have been a landslide victory

I could not help but feel some sympathy for the French. I thought they were immense. Although Dusautoir won Man of the Match, I thought Trinh-Duc was outstanding and had a particularly amazing run only stopped by a brilliant tap tackle from Weepu. They can return home with their tetes held high

So now the big three of New Zealand, Australia and South Africa have all won the tournament twice each with another country having won it once.

Today's final was up there with the best of them for pure passion and excitement and perhaps only equalled by the 1995 final and the involvement of Mr Mandela and all that the victory for South Africa encompassed

I look forward to 2015 in England. Hopefully Young Ben and I will see Scotland qualify for the knockout stages down the road.

Then this afternoon I watched two very strange football matches.

Manchester City destroyed Manchester United 6-1, running riot in the second half after the red card for Jonny Evans. I fully accept that Sir Alex knows a good deal more about football than I do, but starting with Evans. Really? In the end the naivety shown by United chasing the game was reminiscent of that displayed by Arsenal earlier in the season at Old Trafford. Looks like the noisy neighbours will not be moving anytime soon. Game on me thinks!

Then there was the QPR v Chelsea game. Let me state from the outset that I am not a lover of Chelsea. I used to admire them back in the days of Osgood and Charlie Cooke but the but the on and off field antics of the likes of Mr Terry and Mr Cole do nothing for me these days.

That having been said, in the second half today playing with 9 men they totally outplayed QPR who were hanging on like grim death at the end. I also felt the penalty which produced the only goal was very soft and the first red card fairly harsh although Drogba could have no complaints and is a mere shadow now of the player who has terrorised defences in the Premier League in recent seasons. Anyway QPR have their own 'enfant terrible' in Joey Barton and speaking as a Sunderland fan he is obviously not one of my favourite footballers (and I use the term footballer here in the broadest of senses)

Both games provided excellent entertainment for the fairly neutral viewer

As a chap who used to play for Chelsea once said 'It's a funny old game'

Well you don't know what we can see, why don't you tell your dreams to me, fantasy will set you free

Yesterday would have been my dad's birthday. He was born on 15 October 1920 and died on 28 May 2007

He grew up in The Calton in Glasgow, the oldest of four sons and two daughters.Although from a humble working class background, from a very early age he had a passion for reading and would devour whatever literature he could lay his hands on.Over the years he read Dickens, Tolstoy, Steinbeck, Walter Scott, Conan Doyle to name but a few and encouraged his sons to do likewise

He left school at 7 (OK that's an exaggeration, I believe he was 14) and went to work in Templetons Carpet Factory at Glasgow Green, a fabulous building whose spectacular facade, inspired by The Doge's Palace in Venice, is still as impressive today as it must have been back then when my dad first walked through its doors

My dad remained in Carpet Manufacturing all his working life being a loom tuner for most of it. In his later years he was a factory manager but I think he still preferred to be 'hands on'

My two older brothers were born in the late 40s when he was still working in Glasgow, but he was never one to shirk a new challenge, so after spells in Kendal and Bonnyrigg (where I was born) he accepted an offer to go and work in South Africa. Our family set sail in 1955 and rumour has it that I actually learned to walk on the ship, which might explain my tendency to list from side to side on occasion

It is one of my great regrets that because I was so young when we lived in Isipingo Beach near Durban that I remember little of our time over there. We stayed there for five years and then my mum and dad decided to come home and he accepted a position at Gray's Carpet Factory in Ayr

We were there for ten years but even at the age of 50 my dad decided a new challenge was required and we moved down to County Durham where my dad became manager at Riding Hall Carpets in Willington. By this time my brothers had left home and I was the only one left at home. I have mentioned my times in England before so I will not bore you with them again, suffice to say that, although I was filled with dread at the thought of moving south, the years I spent down there were some of the best years of my life

By the time my dad finally left Willington in the early 80s I had already returned to Scotland, so after a journey lasting around 35 years my mum and dad eventually arrived back in their native Glasgow

I remember holidays with my mum and dad often involved long bouts of driving. I recall touring the Highlands with them in a caravanette, driving to France and beyond in a Mini and touring Ireland in 1966 during the World Cup. I recall my dad kissing The Blarney Stone and even at the age of 12 I remember thinking this was somewhat of a superfluous gesture from him. Blarney was not a commodity in which he was found lacking.

Even in his 70s and 80s he still had a way of charming the ladies which I have never possessed at any time during my life. This was somewhat disconcerting at times. We could be walking along the prom at Rothesay in mid conversation when he would come across a young lady and that was the end of our conversation. His attention was immediately elsewhere

In his later years he still loved travelling and accompanied my family on holidays to Cyprus, Lanzarote and Florida. I remember one day in Florida we were going to play mini-golf and we came across an armadillo just wandering along the side of the road. My dad loved this because he had never encountered one before. Even at that age achieving another 'first' was special to him

About 10 years ago he and I went back to Galway for the weekend as there was a direct flight from Glasgow. We walked along the front from Galway to Salthill and stopped at a bench for a rest. My dad was always one for a quick nap so lay down on the grass and was out in seconds. I finally gave up explaining to concerned passers-by that he was nothing more serious than asleep. Eventually he woke up with his familiar words "I must have dozed off"

He was a great lover of Rabbie Burns and in later years one of the highlights of his year was being asked along to an Annual Charity Burns Supper in Glasgow at which my oldest brother had a table. Part of his enjoyment was the recitals of the poems and songs of our Great Bard but I believe even more than that was bearing witness to the success of my brother which filled my dad with pride.

My dad liked a good whisky, something which he did not pass on to me, but yesterday I toasted him with a beer. Wherever he is, I hope they have a good library

A prince can mak a belted knight,
A marquis, duke, an' a' that;
But an honest man's abon his might,
Gude faith, he maunna fa' that!
For a' that, an' a' that,
Their dignities an' a' that;
The pith o' sense, an' pride o' worth,
Are higher rank than a' that  

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

So, not so Young Ben celebrated his first birthday last week and the adults of our family spent the whole weekend celebrating same.

My youngest son flew up from London for the weekend with his Australian girlfriend and even for a young lady who comes from a land 'where beer does flow and men chunder' I think a weekend in Glasgow with our brood came as a bit of a culture shock

I knew it was going to be a good weekend when I rose early on Saturday morning to watch our partners in The Auld Alliance knock the Sassenachs out of the Rugby World Cup and send them homeward to think again (probably about sacking Martin Johnson)

Then in the evening we even managed to witness Scotland win a game as we quaffed a few beers while we trounced the mighty Lichtenstein 1-0. All we have to do now is get a result away to the reigning World and European Champions. It's in the bag

Sunday arrived, along with a slight hangover, and this was the day of Ben's Pirate Party. Grown-ups and children arrived in their Pirate costumes. I believe some adults liked the costumes so much they may well have turned up for work on Monday morning still dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow

There was a bouncy castle  and a soft play area which were frequented by both kids and adults although my hook and wooden leg did make life in the bouncy castle somewhat difficult. As the afternoon wore on I decided it was time to let my parrot fly free as he had been giving me lip all day. The last I saw him he was heading for Govanhill. I may well see him again in a curry later in the week

Young Ben was obviously the star of the show. As gifts from friends and family he received an array of toys which would shame Hamleys and will probably spend most of this week writing Thank You cards

The party was a great success. Planks were walked, keels were hauled, treasures were found, mizzen was hoisted, hearties were ahoyed, yardarms were hung from and the least said about the poop deck the better. There were no tantrums and no fights and even the children behaved themselves. By the end of the day I was exhausted. When Ben's mum suggested he and I went home for a kip it was music to my buccaneers.

On that note, I will leave you this week with my Top 10 Pirate Movies

1. Captain Blood (1935)...with the wonderful Errol Flynn, the dashingest blade of them all

2. The Back Pirate (1926)...with the acrobatic Douglas Fairbanks

3. The Black Swan (1942)..starring Tyrone Power..
 "Now put your shirt on. You look much too naked for a decent English gentleman."

4. The Crimson Pirate (1952) with one of my all time favourites Burt Lancaster as the beaming Captain Vallo
     Vallo: "Why did you bolt your cabin door last night?"
     Consuelo: "If you knew it was bolted you must have tried it. If you tried it, you know why it was     bolted."

5. Peter Pan (1953) ...Mr Disney doing what he did best

6. Swiss Family Robinson (1960)...I remember going to the movies to see this one as a young boy...featuring James Macarthur.."Book him, Danno" from the original Hawaii Five-O

7. Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)...Johnny Depp makes pirates cool again

8. Treasure Island (1950)...Robert Newton brilliant as Long John Silver
     "Them that die will be the lucky ones!"

9. The Goonies (1985) ...featuring a young Josh Brolin and a criminal gang led by Mama Fratelli that came from the same school of ineptitude as the criminals in Home Alone
Mama Fratelli: "Kids suck!"

10. The Island (1980)... Michael Caine in an extremely bad movie taken from an extremely bad book by Peter Benchley the author of the excellent 'Jaws'

Sorry, I have tried my best to resist but I can't leave you without at least one pirate joke

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling about their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" said the sailor. "And how did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull-dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull-dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate,"it was my first day with the hook..."

...faster than lightning, no-one you see, is smarter than he

He's back!!!

After what seemed like an eternity Young Ben has returned from holiday with tales of his adventures in The Dominican Republic and apparently the highlight of his trip was a Dolphin Tale. During a visit to Ocean World in Puerto Plata the youngster went swimming with dolphins and encountered a new lifelong friend in Dexter the Dolphin.

Dexter had a partner called Bucito and it was difficult to tell them apart. They looked just like two dolphins in a pod, but it was Dexter who took a shine to Young Ben. In the pool jumping through hoops, balancing a ball on his nose and catching fish in mid-air. Dexter said that he could also do all these tricks but he enjoyed watching Ben do them anyway.

He told Ben tales of his great uncle Flipper who became a movie star and had his own TV Series. No matter how famous Flipper became he would always send fish for his family back home. Flipper had encounters with trapped friends in sunken boats, sharks, spies, pirates, alligators and mines but in all the trains and banks he robbed, he never shot anyone. If ever he had a tough decision to make he would just Flipper coin.

Dexter was very proud of his dad who became mascot for a certain American Football team situated in Miami and whenever Dan Marino needed anyone to go really long he was always first choice

There was also an aunt who left for the big time and appeared on Top Of The Pops dancing with Ruby Flipper, but the family didn't like to talk about her much. She never sent fish home

After work Dexter and Ben hung out and watched TV. Dexter's favourite programme was 'Whale Of Fortune'. Ben asked him if he wanted to play 'Ecco The Dolphin' on his Mega Drive but he said he preferred 'Grand Theft Auto-Atlantis'

Apparently Dexter was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his part in the new movie 'Dolphin Tale' but lost out to his favourite actor Dolph Lundgren

Ben says that he and Dexter are going to stay in touch using sea-mail. I think that's excellent. It's always good to have a porpoise in life

I leave you this week with my Deep Sea Ocean Top 10

1. Dolphins.................Tim Buckley
2. Starfish and Coffee......Prince
3. Happy Together...........The Turtles
4. Octopus's Garden.........The Beatles
5. Crazy....................Seal
6. Shark In The Water.......VV Brown
7. Love Is The Law..........The Seahorses
8. The Whale................ELO
9. Summer Fun...............The Barracudas
10. Porpoise Song...........The Monkees

Apologies to my brother for not including Crawfish by Elvis but my understanding is that they are fresh water creatures


FIN (that's French for the end. See what I did there)

Why do we never get an answer, when we're knocking at the door

In the absence of my usual mental stimulation from Young Ben I have found myself watching the TV Quiz Show 'Pointless' recently. The object is to find the least popular correct answer in a particular category. Some of the questions recently have not been too taxing

Contestants were asked to identify the occupations of the following characters from Children's TV

Groundskeeper Willie
Postman Pat
Dora the Explorer
Bob the Builder
Fireman Sam
Krusty the Clown

In another they were asked to identify from which European cities do the following football teams come

Real Madrid
Vienna Rapid
Steau Bucharest
Moscow Dynamo
Bayern Munich
Inter Milan

And to test their Mathematical skills they were asked how many members were there in the following Pop Music Acts

The Three Degrees
S Club Seven
Unit 4 + 2
The Dave Clark Five
The Four Tops
Simon and Garfunkel (I know what you're thinking. There was only one person in Simon and Garfunkel but old Art could sing and he had a crazy haircut)

One of my favourite answers was when asked to name a Marx Brother one contestant said Karl (and yes I know if we are being pedantic Karl Marx did have brothers but I don't recall seeing any of them in Duck Soup)

With this in mind I leave you this week with my Top 5 Bad Answers from Quiz Shows

1. University Challenge
What was Gandhi's first name?....................reply 'Goosey, Goosey'

2. Radio Phone-in Quiz with Phil Wood
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

3. Radio Phone-in Quiz on Radio Norfolk
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

4.RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?


5.STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus


Question...will this Blog improve next week when Young Ben is back

Answer.....Let's all hope so!

At the grotto in the greasy chair sits the Charlie with the lotion and the kinky hair

So my muse is still on holiday this week and no postcard has arrived yet from The Dominican Republic. I have to confess that my knowledge of The Dominican Republic is very weak. It was only when I looked it up that I discovered it shared the island of La Hispaniola with Haiti. I do recall that La Hispaniola was the name of the ship in Treasure Island. Christopher Columbus discovered it in 1492 although I imagine the existing inhabitants at that time already knew it was there. Santo Domingo became the site of the first permanent European settlement in The Americas, the country's capital and Spain's first capital in the New World

It has a population of around 10 million which is nearly twice that of Scotland. Santa Domingo itself has a population of just under 3 million which makes it about 5 times the size of Glasgow

The Dominican Republic has historically been under Spanish rule, French rule, been invaded by its neighbour Haiti several times and has received 'assistance' from the good old U.S. of A. just to make sure it did not become another Cuba. Lyndon B Johnson is quoted as having said "We don't propose to sit here in a rocking chair with our arms folded and let the Communists set up any government in the western hemisphere". Mr McCarthy would have been proud

Scenes from the movies The Godfather Part II and The Good Shepherd were filmed in Dominican Republic and depicted as Cuba and scenes from Apocalypse Now were also filmed there. Parts of Jurassic Park were also filmed here and they even have a Jurassic Park Hotel now (where you can search for your very own dinosaurs...good hunting!)

I really struggled on the famous people from The Dominican Republic, so I leave you this week with my Famous 5 Dominican Republicans

1. Mary Jo Fernandez.....female tennis player who reached (and lost) three Grand Slam Singles Tennis Finals but won two Grand Slam Doubles Titles and two Olympic Gold Medals (also at doubles)

2. Oscar de la Renta....world famous fashion designer (no, me neither)

3. Mariasela Alvarez...Miss World 1982 beating off stiff challenges from Finland, Switzerland and our own Delia Dolan (Miss UK)

4. Nelson de la Rosa....one time smallest man in the world (71cm tall) who appeared in the movie The Island of Dr. Moreau with Marlon Brando

5. Dania Ramirez....actress who has appeared in Heroes, The Sopranos and Entourage (she was an employee/girlfriend of Turtle)

Wow, that was tough. I hope my muse is back by next week

Drowning in the sea of love, where everyone would love to drown

So, Young Ben is away on holiday for two weeks with his mum and dad, once again leaving me here like Macaulay Culkin. Fortunately the Rugby World Cup has started as has the NFL season and the Champions League is back on later this week but I am sure I would have found time for Young Ben somewhere in my busy schedule

I was listening to one of my Spotify playlists which was made up of songs with names in the title and my family were well covered therein. My oldest son was a hit for Blondie in 1977, Ben's dad gets a mention at the end of the wonderful Beautiful Boy by John Lennon and my youngest was a hit for 10CC (no, not Donna). Ben has his own song sung by Michael Jackson (we will gloss over the fact that this haunting tune is about a rat) and his mum was a number 1 for Gilbert O'Sullivan in 1972

Whilst listening to my Playlist it struck me that I really wish that once in my life I had gone out with a girl called Sara or Rhiannon or maybe just Stevie Nicks herself.

I do remember going out with a girl called Cath....it took a lot to make her laugh...even when I called her Cathy and acted like a clown

....and then there was Ruby, never mind bent and paralyzed, I could be in bed with a cold and she would still take her love to town. Oh Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby and do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya know what ya doing, doing to me

Sue just gave me the runaround and then I found out she was a boy. Although when I called her by her full name Suzanne and told her I was sorry she did feed me tea and oranges that came all the way from China

Sylvia....her mother just hated me and her phone etiquette left a lot to be desired

Oh Mandy, why did I send her away when she kissed me and stopped me from shaking. I saw her walking on the water as the sharks were coming for me. I felt her pull me up, give me the kiss of life, just like the girl from Dr No No No No

I first encountered Mary in the fourth form. She was proud. We used to meet at her place where the wind cried her name. She had a little lamb that would lay back in her arms. She treated it like her boy child

Where it began with Caroline I can't begin to knowing but good times never seemed so good. When I'm thinking of her sleeping, I'm at home alone and weeping

I want Candy. In Candy's room there are pictures of her heroes on the wall but to get to Candy's room you gotta walk the distance of Candy's hall. Candy, pure as driven snow, come to me, you are not alone. Darling I'll bathe your skin, I'll even wash your clothes. I'm a sweet talkin' sugar coated Candy man

And finally there was the angel on my shoulder. Her name was Geraldine, she was my social worker

I leave you this week with Top 10 Songs with female names in title (not previously mentioned above)

1. Lady Lynda...........The Beach Boys
2. Layla......................Derek and the Dominoes
3. Angie.....................The Rolling Stones
4. Amie......................Damien Rice
5. Visions of Johanna..Bob Dylan
6. So Long Marianne...Leonard Cohen
7. Jenny was a Friend of Mine...Killers
8. Bernadette...............The Four Tops
9. Alison........................Elvis Costello
10. Romeo and Juliet....Dire Straits

ho, ho mo leannan, ho mo leannan bhoidheach

SCOTLAND VS CZECH REPUBLIC SATURDAY 02 SEPTEMBER 2011

0600 Wake up all excited. Decide it is still too early and go back to sleep
0700 Wake up all excited. Decide it is still too early and go back to sleep
0800 Radio alarm goes off. Sounds of the Sixties on Radio 2. Listen out for any songs that might be good omens like Chubby Czecher or Emile Ford and The Czech-mates. Have to make do with Freddy Cannon singing California Here I Come which was a favourite of my late dad when sung by Al Jolson. I take that as a good sign
1000 After shower and Shreddies study results and group positions after games played on Friday night to see who we want to come up against in the Play-Offs. How does Turkey in November sound? (sounds a bit like Thanksgiving)
1300 Mate arrives from Millport and he, my eldest son and I head down towards Hampden stopping for a light refreshment on the way
1445 .....'and I would walk 500 more'
1450.....'it's one for the Dagger, another for the one you believe'
1458......' and sent him homeward to think again'.....C'MON SCOTLAND
1505 Milan Baros shoots over the bar from close range. Usual confident start from Scotland
1544 Out of nowhere Scotland score with their first meaningful effort on target. Czech keeper 'has a mare'
1550 Half-time. Have a sit down. Despite paying £30 for a seat everyone in the stand chooses to remain standing for the entire game
1555 'where me and my true love will never meet again' C'MON SCOTLAND
1600 Tactical genius Craig Levein decides to sit back and defend for the second half. We forecast Czech Republic will equalise with 5 minutes to go
1633 We are 7 minutes out with prediction. Czech Republic equalise. For some reason we do not have a full-back amongst our substitutes so bring on an inexperienced centre-half instead to play left-back when Bardsley goes off injured. He is caught out for the goal
1638 unbelievably Scotland take the lead again as Miller takes advantage of a defensive mistake and crosses for Darren Fletcher to score. The crowd go wild
1645 not so unbelievably a Czech player goes down in the box like Tom Daley and the ref gives a penalty. 2-2
1648 Christophe Berra is fouled in the box but the referee decides to book him for diving rather than give a penalty. The game's a bogey!
1650 Time up. Once more Scotland have snatched defeat (or in this case a draw) from the jaws of victory
1715 Arrive at pub for some serious sorrow drowning
1930 Someone (not me) suggests it is time for a Patron XO Cafe Tequila which is unsurprisingly a mix of tequila and coffee. This is not the only time this hideous mixture is sampled during the course of the evening
2230 I decide it is time to go home and take a taxi up the road
2300..Masochism n. a willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences Obviously I watch the highlights of the football when I get home and see nothing to change my mind on either penalty
2345 I fall asleep watching The Bourne Ultimatum and thinking that we could have done with Jason in defence today
0600 I wake up with a hangover and a strange taste of coffee in my mouth. I have no idea where that came from. I don't like coffee